Mayday Mayday BROWNIE DOWN
I REPEAT WE HAVE A BROWNIE DOWN
THIS IS NOT A TEST THIS IS AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY WE ARE MISSING A BROWNIE
*Kkshhk* Whats that, you have a 20 on the brownie?
THE BROWNIE HAS BEEN SPOTTED
REPEAT WE HAVE FOUND THE BROWNIE
*Kkshhk* You have spotted the brownie in my belly
*Kkshhk* What did you say, stop acting like a fool and admit I ate the brownie for lunch
ABORT ABORT ABORT
*Kkshhk* everyone is on to you. They know you really microwaved it for 30 seconds and ate it while you were on break
Copy that I’ve been caught
*Kkshhk* Roger dodger
*Kkshhk* Over and out
There are still two brownies left. It was touch and go there for a while and I was not sure they would survive the night. Somehow they made it safely and I can spend the day knowing my brownies are safe and sound waiting for me at home.
Last night I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was having a sad day and all I wanted was some brownies. I was telling everyone and there mom about this and finally decided to make some. I marched in my kitchen grabbed what I needed and then promptly began pouting as I realized I had neither vegetable oil or applesauce. So I walked over to my computer and whined to everyone about it. That’s when Ginger pops on yahoo with this little link:
ging @ 6:57 http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/food-network-kitchens/smore-brownies-recipe/index.html 6:57 ummm, can there be anything better?
Shannon Mateo @ 7:08 uggg 7:08why do you do that shit to me 7:08 i have everything right now but graham crackers dammit ging @ 7:09 i have everything, included toasted coconut marshmallows, it is taking all the will power i have in the world not to make them right now
At that point her Internet crashed. So I frantically texted her YOU MUST MAKE THESE NOW! She replied that she would but I figured it would be like the time she said she would bring me peach cobbler and didn’t, and don’t even get me started on the whole “YOU MADE TIRAMISU AND DIDN’T BRING ME ANY FUCKING FUCKER” debacle.
Suddenly an IM pops up
ging @ 11:45 Dude these brownies are like the porn of brownies
My eyes lit up. SHE HAD MADE THE BROWNIES. Now, I just had to make sure they somehow ended up at my house. We chatted a little and she casually asked if I wanted the brownies now or later. While I obviously wanted the brownies 5 hours ago and was ready to come to her house and lick her floor in search of crumbs I very nonchalantly replied “ehh, whenever’s clever.“
I came home tonight and busied myself with dinner. At one point I decided Ginger forgot me and I would not be getting any delicious brownies. Suddenly my phone made a noise. I had a text. My heart dropped. I just knew it was Ginger texting to say she wasn’t coming. I moped over to my phone and read it;
“I’m at your door.”
I looked up and sure enough there she was. An angel of God on my door step with the most beautiful little tinfoil package I’ve ever seen. She came in, we made small talk, I scarfed down my dinner, set my oven to warm and busied myself pretending to look busy. Finally it was time. I pulled out my fork and opened it up.
Today at work I pulled up a picture of the brownies and sadly lamented about how I would probably never taste them.
The most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I had totally forgotten she had the coconut marshmallows. I put my fork in and the marshmallows turned into a beautiful taffy goodness. A long string of marshmallow followed the fork all the way to my mouth.
Porn of brownies was an understatement. These fuckers are like the porn of life. They are like the best sex you ever had but with toasted coconut marshmallows. Then I poured a glass of milk which was like a tall glass of ohjesusfuckinglordy to go with my brownies. These aren’t just porn, these brownies should come with a disclaimer.
WARNING: Eat these brownies with a clean pair of underwear handy because they are that good!
I finished the night thinking that although today was pretty shitty, things were looking up. The rest of the week looks pretty good too because I happen to know I have two more orgasm brownies left.
I brought Codi into bed with me around 5am this morning. He snuggled up on my arm and started snoring in my ear. Around 7 I looked over at him because I love to watch him sleep.
Only, thats when I felt it. Snot starting to drip out of my nose. I wanted to reach for a Kleenex but Codi was on my arm.
I had no choice, but to turn my head the other way and let the snot roll back into my brain.
As I lay there this morning I thought, “so that is how this day will be huh….no matter what I do there is going to be snot.”
Do you ever sit there at your desk and stare at your yogurt wishing it was a big fat brick of chocolate?
I hate when I’m at the store and I’m thinking, yogurt and fruit VS chocolate and ice cream. I always make the right choice, get home and think WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T I BUY THE CHOCOLATE. Now, I’m sitting here at work staring at my sons whole grain extra fiber chocolate poptart thinking, “do you think he would miss it if it was gone, because this pineapple yogurt just ain’t doing it for me.”
I’m fucking exhausted today. For some reason exhaustion makes me feel like hoovering some ramen and chocolate donuts.
But then again, being happy makes me want ramen and donuts. Being sad makes me want ramen and donuts. Anger makes me want a double ramen with a side of donuts. Come to think of it, there is never a time in my life when I’m not thinking about ramen.
What do you suppose they put that stuff? Is it similar to soda? I think they put crank in that stuff because fuck I can’t stop thinking about the curly noodly goodness of ramen. I’m like a little ramen addict. I got five bucks how much ramen can I get for that?
My pineapple yogurt is done and it didn’t satisfy my craving for sweets, instead it made me want a pineapple upside down cake.
And yes, before you ask, I am on my period and PMSing. What do you want to do about it huh?
Cristina you better fucking get on those brownies.
First off all, Wednesday will be two weeks on my medicine. I will also up my dose to a full dose that day. Here are my observations on the drug so far.
-It makes me a little drowsy, which will be great later for taking it at night (I can’t right now because I still get up with the boys).
-I feel like I sleep better. It takes me a while to fall asleep but when I do it is a really good, deep sleep. I haven’t felt that kind of deep dream like sleep in ages. To say that I have a few dreams every night thrills me. They are very detailed but mostly funny dreams. I wake up feeling tired still but I blame that on the getting up with the boys bit.
-I feel like I think a little more before reacting to the boys. I still freak out, but I am able to stop faster and actually so far most days I’ve been able to process and think and relax and respond better to Brandon. This morning I lost my cool and yelled a little but I immediately recognized what I was doing and stopped. Normally I realize what I’m doing, keep doing it and beat myself up over it.
I wouldn’t say that I’m cured, or I’ve made amazing changes but I do see hope in the future and I do honestly feel like this is going to work.
Codi is for the most part totally weened. After the weekend he spent with my mom when I went snowboarding I never looked back. I still allow him to nurse once right before bed and that is it. One thing I never saw coming out of all of this is that he actually sleeps better. When we made the decision to put him in bed with Brandon that is also another decision I made and never looked back on. A large part of me thought I would try it for a night, give up and never do it again. Nearly two weeks later and we are still going strong. I put him down and he sleeps from 9 until 1230 usually. Some nights even 2, 3 or 4am. When he wakes up he kinda cries but not a sobbing hysterical cry like he used to do if I put him in his crib. I go in and lay next to him and let him fuss a little and then usually within a few minutes he just fusses right back to bed. I realize I shouldn’t say all of this because of course he will turn into a screaming mess, but like I said I have hope.
Weening him has helped him eat too. He still isn’t eating a lot but he will eat pancakes, muffins and donuts. I know I know not healthy at all but all of the doctors agreed the important thing is just for him to eat and learn hunger and to ask for food. Which he now does. He wakes up and immediately wants his cup full of milk. I put him in his high chair and right away he demands food. He will say NUM NUM until I make him something. At lunch if he is hungry he tells me NUM NUM and points at the fridge.
The down side to all of this, is his body went into a bit of shock after being on a liquid diet for so long. He’s had some constipation and then a few days ago he had his first really solid poop and it scared the shit out of him (ha pun). He was afraid to poop for two days after that because that first one hurt so bad. Yesterday I ended up having to give him a laxative and later even a suppository to help the guy out.
But, he is eating, and again, I have hope!
Finally I want to say how happy I am that we moved Brandon’s school. I could never begin to explain how much it has helped him and changed him. He listens moderately better (to us, he listens amazing to the teacher). He is learning and remembering sign language. Today he addressed Rob and I as mom and dad using signs. He tells me no in sign language all the time too. He is drawing all kinds of things and blossoming. His teacher told my husband the other day that Brandon made her day because he reminded her of why she started teaching. They said he is so bright, always the first to answer in circle time and has made huge changes behavior wise. I 100% believe this all came from changing his school.
This weekend we had a large party with about 5 gazillion kids and I was so proud to see Brandon get along with all of them and interact appropriately. I guess I am thankful for this blog, because if his old teacher never would have snooped and found it I never would have had to pull him from that old school.
Anyway, for now, things seem to be doing pretty good. I do see light at the end of the tunnel. This weekend when I was surrounded by a large number of really good female friends and all of our kids played and our husbands hung out and played beer pong and my parents hung out with all of us, I really stopped, took stock of my life and saw, that now that I’ve weeded out all of the bad seeds, my life is really pretty fucking amazing!
So, you may remember me telling you I went snowboarding and tried to drink a Guinness but couldn’t. Well, that isn’t exactly the whole truth. My husband would like me to tell you the whole truth about that little incident.
We get to the lodge (if you could call the little shack a lodge) and head for the snack bar. Right away we notice a very large selection of beer and that was it. No liquor, no fruity fun girl drinks nothing. Not even a Mikes Hard Lemonade. I look at my husband and say, “which of these taste the least like beer?” He replies with, “I’ve heard Guinness taste like coffee.” Okay fine, one Guinness and one snickers please. (I didn’t have Brandon for two days dammit I was eating some peanuts. We walk outside, I take a drink and make a look like……hmmm, similar to a face I imagine some one would make if they licked a dogs asshole. A dogs asshole that had dingle berries!
My husband laughs at me and I mention that I wish they had Blue Moon because I heard it is orangey and then I could stick some orange slice in it. His reply was that he heard people put orange in Fat Tire too. I look up and spy some honey inside. I tell Rob I’m going to go stick honey in my Guinness. He looks at me like I’m bonkers and goes to sit. I walk in, pick up the honey bear and proceed to spend about two minutes trying to make the last 1/4 inch of honey drip into my Guinness. Thats when I hear, “Is that girl seriously trying to put honey in there?” “Yeah she is, what an idiot.”
I look up and I see an orange. Okay, fine I’m buying that orange and the Fat Tire and starting over. Next thing Rob knows here comes his wife with a Guinness, an orange, a half eaten Snickers and a Fat Tire. At this point he really wants to get up on the mountain since we had waited for his cousin for ever so he just looks at me like I’m fucking nuts. I proceed to peel my orange and begin cramming pieces of it in both beers. Dammit one of these fuckers is going to taste good.
No one told me orange would make the fucking beer fizz out of the goddamn jar. So here I am beer fizzing and dripping everywhere when my husband is like HEY ASSHOLE THERE ARE PEOPLE WALKING BELOW YOU! I look down and sure as shit I’m dripping beer all over people. I take a taste of the Fat Tire and proceed to start gagging. I go to vomit only I realize that if I do I would be vomiting on the people below me. So I swallow it back down and shove both beers at my husband. He basically tells me to take it like a fucking man, grow some balls and drink that shit. My response?
I dumped those fuckers in the trash, finished my Snickers and went shredding on the hill! So, now you know I DON’T DRINK BEER, NOT EVER, NEVER NO!