Okay I have settled down a little bit and thought about everything I said before. That blog made me sound like I just had diarhia (don’t know how to spell that) of the mouth. So I will start over. I think that for the most part at some point in nearly everyones life they say “I am going to do things different then my parents.” That being said I don’t understand why your parents then seem so flumoxed when you do things different then they did. Okay time to open up some. I’m sure I would get in big trouble for the remainder of this blog but who cares. My mom never hit me when I grew up. Her dad hit her a lot and hard so she chose to not ever hit me. However, she yelled. I think I got yelled at everyday. I was so affraid of my mom. In fact I’m still terrified of her. I wanted to buy a new car and I was affraid to tell my mom. Because of this I feel like there are a lot of things I never told her that I should have but I was to affraid of being screamed at over it. One big major thing that comes to mind is the first time I was rear ended I never said anything because in my mind I figured she would say it was my fault. As you have read before I had my son I had no idea what kind of parent I would be. Sure it was easy to talk and to judge but really I had no clue. The day I had my baby..no wait, the second I had him I knew. I knew I never wanted to do this kid wrong. Brandon is my life. He is my whole heart and soul and body and world and universe. Why would a person ever hurt their universe. So this brings me to my previous blogs. I don’t want to yell at my son. But what that brings with it is that I don’t want other people yelling at him either. He is not theirs he is mine. He is my little baby to make decisions about. I don’t want to say I had a bad childhood because I didn’t by any means. I just don’t want my son to ever be affraid to come to me. I want him to always look at me and say that person never hurt me and I can always trust her. And he always can. I will always be on his side. I am his mom. If no one else in this world can do right by that little boy I can. When everyone else hurts him and I”m not stupid I know he will get hurt but that doens’t mean it has to be by me. The same goes for doing drungs. When I was growing up it seemed everyone around me was involved in drugs. So I took it to mean drugs were okay. I did a lot of drugs growing up. 90% of them I have still yet to fess up to but I did them. The day I had my son I said wait, I don’t ever want my son to think its okay because I do it. I don’t want him to have to hear someday that I let him get hurt because I was drunk or high or something. Let me also say I’m not a drug addict or alcoholic but I do enjoy the occasion after work drink or weekend drink. Today I made a comment that I didn’t understand how a friend of mine could allow her boyfriend to keep drugs and paraphnalia in the house while her baby was there. I was tongue lashed for this. I was told that I shouldn’t expect people to change just because they have a baby and I need to knock it off with all my stupid rules and thinking I’m better then everyone else. I don’t get it. When did caring about your child become a bad thing? When did actually wanting to parent your child with love and respect become culterly unacceptable? I only hope that I can stand my ground and raise my son to be a wonderful, respectful, loving little boy. This picture is of his first birthday and you can’t tell but his shirt says Love Me Forever. That is just what I intend to do.
I look at this picture of my sweet loving inocent trusting son and it makes me wonder. Why are there so few parents anymore that consider raising your kids in a calm, drug and alcohol free home to be such a bad idea. I feel like everywhere I look now I see babies being shouted at or even hit. I see parents drunk out of their minds or hopped up on drugs. The worst part is that I”m made to feel bad because I’m “A PANSEY WUSSY MOM.” WAIT what I’m bad because I want to raise my son safely and respectfuly. Babies don’t understand being yelled at. They don’t understand being hit. All they see is that the person they love most in the world just hurt them. Maybe yelling isn’t physically hurting them but I know mentally it hurts them just as bad. So I’m just not comprehending why it is people want to put me down because I don’t aprrove of screaming at my son. And because I quit drinking to better his life. And because I don’t understand how a mom could still get high with her little baby right there. I look at the picture of my son above and all I think is how can I not give that sweet little boy every chance in the world and love him with every drop of my soul. I’m sorry but if I’m a bad mom for doing whats right for my son then I must be the worst mom in the world.
Today is my sons birthday. He is one. The weeks leading up to this day have been hard for me. I’ve started thinking about making changes in my life. Maybe it is the realization that time is precious and has flown by so quickly. Maybe it is that not only is my son growing but I am growing also. The first decision I made was that I wanted to give up alcohol. The thing that most of you don’t know about me is I have an extremely addictive personality and I have many vices. Alcohol is one of them. When I have a bad day at work I like to come home and have a drink or two. When I go out with friends I like to have a drink or three. I am not by any means an alcoholic I would say that I am more of a social drinker. One day I was realizing that I looked at other moms who did such things as do drugs or smoke as bad mothers. I thought that what I was doing was somehow better. I made the decision that until Brandon is old enough to understand the responsabilty of drinking (approximatly 15 or 16) that I am giving up drinking. I don’t want to be that mom who says its okay for me but not for you. How am I supposed to explain to a young child who is being influanced by his friends not to drink alcohol while I do it myself. The second decision I’ve made is to try and eat healthier. How am I supposed to tell Brandon that McDonalds is only a treat when I’m running out and getting fast food every day. I’ve discussed it with my husband and all though he is more reluctant then me I’ve made the decision to try and cook more fresh meals. This is a little easier for me since I can not eat wheat or gluten. I am not going to say I am giving up fast food completly because I am addicted to Burger Kings salad and McDonalds salads also. So my decision is that I will give up french fries (since that is all I can eat besides salad) along with ice cream. If you know me you know I am also addicted to McFlurrys. So I’ve decided that I need to give them up. This way when my son is older it will also be a treat for me as well as him and we can be on the same page. I don’t want this to be taken at all as an attempt for me to lose weight. Although I could use a few pounds I would much rather be healthy and be respected by my son for following the same directions I give him. So if you have read my previous blog you also know that I have decided to try and speak to my son in a better tone rather then yelling. So these are the changes I am making. I am considering giving up chocolate but I might go off the deep end if I do that. I’ve been watching this show on TV called weighing in. One of the things they say about sticking to a diet is to tell people what you are doing. So although I am not dieting I figure why not try the same technique. I am telling you all what I’m up to. Feel free to call me out if you see me cheating or even thinking of cheating.