Pardon me for previous post 08.23.06

Okay I have settled down a little bit and thought about everything I said before. That blog made me sound like I just had diarhia (don’t know how to spell that) of the mouth. So I will start over. I think that for the most part at some point in nearly everyones life they say “I am going to do things different then my parents.” That being said I don’t understand why your parents then seem so flumoxed when you do things different then they did. Okay time to open up some. I’m sure I would get in big trouble for the remainder of this blog but who cares. My mom never hit me when I grew up. Her dad hit her a lot and hard so she chose to not ever hit me. However, she yelled. I think I got yelled at everyday. I was so affraid of my mom. In fact I’m still terrified of her. I wanted to buy a new car and I was affraid to tell my mom. Because of this I feel like there are a lot of things I never told her that I should have but I was to affraid of being screamed at over it. One big major thing that comes to mind is the first time I was rear ended I never said anything because in my mind I figured she would say it was my fault. As you have read before I had my son I had no idea what kind of parent I would be. Sure it was easy to talk and to judge but really I had no clue. The day I had my wait, the second I had him I knew. I knew I never wanted to do this kid wrong. Brandon is my life. He is my whole heart and soul and body and world and universe. Why would a person ever hurt their universe. So this brings me to my previous blogs. I don’t want to yell at my son. But what that brings with it is that I don’t want other people yelling at him either. He is not theirs he is mine. He is my little baby to make decisions about. I don’t want to say I had a bad childhood because I didn’t by any means. I just don’t want my son to ever be affraid to come to me. I want him to always look at me and say that person never hurt me and I can always trust her. And he always can. I will always be on his side. I am his mom. If no one else in this world can do right by that little boy I can. When everyone else hurts him and I”m not stupid I know he will get hurt but that doens’t mean it has to be by me. The same goes for doing drungs. When I was growing up it seemed everyone around me was involved in drugs. So I took it to mean drugs were okay. I did a lot of drugs growing up. 90% of them I have still yet to fess up to but I did them. The day I had my son I said wait, I don’t ever want my son to think its okay because I do it. I don’t want him to have to hear someday that I let him get hurt because I was drunk or high or something. Let me also say I’m not a drug addict or alcoholic but I do enjoy the occasion after work drink or weekend drink. Today I made a comment that I didn’t understand how a friend of mine could allow her boyfriend to keep drugs and paraphnalia in the house while her baby was there. I was tongue lashed for this. I was told that I shouldn’t expect people to change just because they have a baby and I need to knock it off with all my stupid rules and thinking I’m better then everyone else. I don’t get it. When did caring about your child become a bad thing? When did actually wanting to parent your child with love and respect become culterly unacceptable? I only hope that I can stand my ground and raise my son to be a wonderful, respectful, loving little boy. This picture is of his first birthday and you can’t tell but his shirt says Love Me Forever. That is just what I intend to do.

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