The difference in missing

Have you ever lost someone? I have. Something weird about loss is that there are so m any different reactions to it. Its not like someone dies and bamm you are instantly a wreck. For me I have a hard time finding the proper reaction for loss. Actually I guess I should say I have a hard time reacting the way other people think I should. Let me give you a small example of a few deaths and my reaction.

Dad dies when I’m 12: I have nearly no reaction, I go to school and hang out with boys and go about my day…family is very very pissed

Friend dies: I feel a little sad go to funeral and say all the right things, go home and go to bed…friends very confused I’m not an emotional spewing wreck of tears

Grandma dies: Have a complete nervous breakdown that has never stopped and freak out and lose all mental capacity…family gets mad because apparently I got to upset over this

Small teeny bunny rabbit that I rescued from moms cat died after I had it for one day: Have another complete meltdown, screaming how can I take care of a kid if I can’t even keep a bunny alive (okay I was 8 months pregnant that might have had something to do with the melt down)…family worries about me and thinks my reaction is very justified.

Right okay so what do I do with that. I find it amusing that there is “A WAY” that you are supposed to feel when people die. Maybe I missed that book when we read it in kindergarten. If someone out there has a copy of the “HOW TO REACT WHEN PEOPLE DIE” rule book please forward it to me my address will be below. I’m sure there is a chapter in the book with a rating scale, it would look like this.

1-not so upset 10 allowed to wail and cry with out people getting mad

10-parents and kids
9- pets
5-8 friends
2- acquaintances
1- people you don’t know

Maybe then I would have known how to grieve appropriately so people didnt get mad.

Another thing I apparently suck at is not reacting write when someone I know, knows someone who died. First of all I don’t do that hugging caring shit even when people died what makes you think I will do it then. Its funny to me that people would rather have a fake hug along with an its okay that you feel like shit go ahead and do what ever you want all day because you are grieving comment tossed their way rather then just accepting that I don’t do that. Maybe its because they are so uncomfortable with their loss that they want to make me feel uncomfortable too by forcing me to hug them and embrace them.

I DON’T EMBRACE. Get it through your head. I’m not that way. I’m personal and private when it comes to touching. Word wise I’m an open book but when it comes to the touch I’m like “eww get off man.” I make two exceptions to this rule. One for my husband and one for my son. That is it people. If you are not my son or my husband STOP TOUCHING ME.

Back to the topic at hand. My grandma died about 5 years ago and I’m still totally devastated about it. I don’t know what it was about that one death that is killing me but it is. She was my rock. She listened to whatever story I had created and always said Okay I’m sure you will do great at that. I don’t know why I’m not bothered by most other deaths. I’m just not. People are going to die and I accept that. The worst part about having someone die when you are younger is you never get to ask them the important questions. Then they die and the family always says I’ll tell you someday. Well five years of someday’s have passed and I don’t know squat.

The other thing that gets me is the whole taking possessions after death. What is that about? Someone dies and all the sudden the family battles start over who gets what and when. Great my grandma died and I got a bunch of her junk, yeah thats going to comfort me at night when I want to call and hear her voice.

The point here is that I miss my grandma. I hate that I don’t know things about her. I wish I had one of her secret family recipes french toast sooooo doesn’t count). I wish I knew if she dated anyone besides grandpa. Did she go to college, did she do well in school, what were her friends like, and so on. I hate not knowing all of that.

I encourage those of you that still have your grandmas or loved ones to make a list of everything you want to know and get answers to all of your questions. Make sure that someday you don’t end up like me wondering who that person that you called grandma was all this time. At the same time make a list of all the things you learned or remember about them so that some day you can look back and smile about all of those things. Here is mine.

*The ice cream truck is very important
*Its okay to run around in your grandmas make up and look like a dork
*Ginger ale is best served Raspberry
*Find something you love like crochette and share it
*How to spell my name
*Candy dishes are necessary


Anyway I have spent the last few weeks feeling pretty sorry for myself and I don’t know why. It has been so long since she died and all the sudden the memories or maybe lack of memories just came rushing back to me. I don’t know why. I wish I could have an hour with her but I know that is not possible. It devastates me that she will never know my son. What makes that harder is that since she is my dads mom Brandon would have been my dads first grandchild and she never got to see him. I was never bothered that my dad wasn’t at my wedding but I hated not having my grandma there.

Grandma was such a wonderful woman. She got up early every morning, she always put her face on (makeup), spent her days working, watching her grandkids and taking care of her ex husband and live in son. My grandma was amazing. She had no money but she didn’t let us know that. She did things like save up pennys so we could walk to Kmart and buy puzzles or give us quarters for the ice cream truck. At holidays she always had tons of gifts for us but we didn’t know that they were put on lay away and took months of hard earned money to pay off. I hate that I never got the chance to grow up and take care of her. I would loved to have payed for her dinners or bought her groceries or done anything to make her day a little easier.

My point here is that the missing is never going to go away. It was never right for people to tell me that I was over reacting with her death. So again I beg you. Please find out about those you love while they are still alive and able to love. Because the one thing you will miss the most of all when they are gone is simply the loving.

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