How to be a genius

So like I mentioned before an old friend of mine Jenny got in contact with me. During one of our messages she brought up “THE DOORSTEP INCIDENT” HA! I started laughing so hard and decided I would share this with the world so you could all see what a jackass I was when I was friends with Shanna.

It was sophomore year. I only know this because I was driving my ford when Shanna and I went to start shit. I was grounded (no clue why but it had to be bad because I only got grounded maybe two times) so I was supposed to leave school and head directly to work. On the way out of the parking lot Jen pulled in front of me and flipped me off. Now! there was no reason for this because Jen and I had not a single problem with each other besides the fact that Shanna HATED! no wait DESPISED!! her because Jen was dating Shannas ex from like 25 years earlier. (side note:Shanna claimed all men as hers, if she dated them you did not ever look or talk to them. If she did not date them you still did not look or talk to them in case she felt like dating them) So I guess I was hated by association. Okay truth I’m sure there might have been some Shanna induced shit talking towards Jen but still I really had no reason not to like her.

Back to the point. I see her middle finger come out of her sunroof (I think, that may not be right could have been drivers window) and I’m furious for no reason other then I feel like stirring up shit. So I drive to Shannas grab her and tell her what just happened. BRILLIANT right? Ya I mean I was in high school so why not go looking for a reason to stir up shit. Shanna freaks out and decides she wants to go to Jens house. OK YAY lets load up and drive to someones house and yell at them. Again! Brilliant. We were fucking geniuses. We show up on her doorstep and her mom answers the door. YES I can definitely see how we thought this through. We ask to see Jen and the next thing I know Shanna is screaming at her and I’m throwing in a few YA’s and nasty looks. The whole time we are doing this her mom is right there. Towards the end I begin to ask myself what the fuck we were doing screaming at this girl in front of her parents. You know that part in the Movie breakfast club where the Jock says he beat up the guy and his dad was so proud and then he thought about how that guy felt having to go home and and tell his dad he had just been beaten up? That is how I started feeling. All the sudden I was like wow how must this look to Jens mom now. Genius? NO! Jerks were more like it. After that I made a pretty big effort to just generally avoid Jen that way I didn’t have to confront the situation. I remember running into her a few years later at the farmers market and she was really nice to me and I was thinking to myself what on earth could this girl have ever done to deserve that. Luckily in high school a few years later Jen and I made up and even went to a prom together with all our friends and had a great time.

So there you go. The famous doorstep incident which sounds so much more to me like the famous dumb ass incident. Ha! I think I could come up with a whole book of dumb shit stuff Shanna talked me into doing. On the flip side Jen do you remember that prom? The one where Nicole and Alla got all mad at each other because Alli had “been” with Scott, Nicoles date? Member we had to go because we weren’t part of the SIX PACK. Sooooo don’t miss high school.

Thanks Jenn for reading my Blog…Now I have 6 whole readers. Woohoo!

I’m drivng to San Francisco right now and I had to write. I was on my new cell phone and was able to check my Myspace and I just received a message from Jenn. She’s a girl that I went to high school with and it is making me totally fucking nuts that my phone won’t let me write her back. I bring this up because she is reading my blog now (YAY ANOTHER READER WOOOO FINALLY) and she stumbled onto the post about Shanna. When I wrote that post or actually most of my posts I always hesitate to use real names. But then I realize that part of writing the blog is just to get my feelings out and be heard and part of it is really just to say sorry to so many people. It was so cathartic writing about Shanna and finally admitting to the whole world why I was the way I was in high school. I needed people to know that I didn’t mean to be horrible I just didn’t know any other way. One thing I knew was that by putting Shanna’s name on here was that the people I hurt would know I was talking to them and there were a lot of them.

It happened today. Jenn found my blog and she read about Shanna and she totally got it. She knew I was speaking to her (and thousands of others) when I said I was sorry. Honestly I think she let me off the hook way to easily and I am so thankful for that. Right at that moment I knew that putting Shanna’s name out there was the right thing to do. I didn’t do it to hurt Shanna I did it to speak personally to all of the people I was trying to apologize to. Should Shanna ever stumble across this blog I’m sure the shit will fly BUT SO FUCKING WHAT, No really SO! WHAT! what is she going to do? Yell at me and make people stop being my friend? Big fucking deal right? I’ve got my friends now, my real ones, the ones who won’t run because big bad Shanna SAID SO. Uggg how obnoxious that I spent my whole life being a fucking assfuck like her. I’m so glad I reached Jen. In fact I had scanned her page a few times on Myspace but was really afraid to write out of fear that she would hold me responsible for all the horrible things Shanna did to her. I’m so glad that I now get to push ADD FRIEND to another person I never thought I would be able to add. Yay for me right! Hell ya. Come on everyone and jumœp on the SHANNA SUCKS FOR BRINGING ME DOWN BANDWAGON, All aboard choochooo!! But really CHOOCHOO. Join the cool new clique*. The clique where being nice is fucking awesome. Where everyone is friends just for the shit of it. Stephanie jumped on, I think Jenn will too, whose next. Come on people and join the nice bus. Do that thing from that one Adam Sandler movie you know, where he calls and apologizes. DO. IT. Say sorry to someone even if its just your little brother, just say your sorry, let go and move on people. You will feel so much better.
REMEMBER: You have to lose sight of the shore to discover new oceans
AND: Each of us must withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.

*Disclaimer, clique members must not be afraid to say the following words, fuck, shit, ass, assfuck, fuckity fuck, fucker fuck and any other variation of the words shitfuckass. All clique members must also understand that most of my posts will contain all above listed words at least once in the blog and tough luck if you hate it. Isn’t it enough that I’m being nice? You can’t make me give up my favorite words too. Oh yeah I totally had to add FUCKITY to my spell check dictionary. Woooo!!!!

I think I figured it out

I was reading Oprahs magazine tonight and it was talking about how in order to change your eating habits and exercise habits you have to reprogram your brain to think it is getting a reward. And it has to be a good reward and one that is daily. So I figured it out. Every time I go work out I get to read my friends blogs. I have become pretty addicted to blogs so that is why it will give me a total dopamine rush to come home from working out and read my blogs. However I still get to post blogs because I need the release. So what I come up with for that is that every time I’m good with my eating for an hour I’m allowed to blog. So if I eat chocolate and then I want to post for the next hour even if I am dying to do it. This means if you don’t hear anything from me for a few days its because I’m super sucking at being healthy like I wanted. I still think I will start the exercise part next Tuesday. So wish me luck. See ya.

The day of the random posts

Can my posts be any more random and boring? And, Really can I write any more posts in one day? I mean really whats my problem? I’m like some weird posty blog girl that can’t stop. Maybe I need to vacuum out my brain and get rid of all the crap that is just jumbling up in there. Seriously what is this post number fiftyteen or something? I’m so lost anymore. O man my son is screaming again gotta go get him.

O my fuck

Ha! So my friend Stephanie is also a friend of a few of my exes. Last night we were sitting around being all dipshitty and looking through our year book and I got all nostalgic about talking to one of my exes. Not because I like him or I miss him because I’m very married to an amazing man, more just because we had some really awesome times together and it sucks that we don’t talk any more because they were sorta cool. So Steph and I got the bright idea that I should email them. This is how that email would probably go:
DEAR FUCKER,
I WAS TALKING TO STEPHANIE ABOUT LAST NIGHT AND TELLING HER WHAT A TOTAL FUCK YOU WERE. I SAW OUR YEARBOOK AND IT SAID FADE TO BLACK AND I GOT ALL NOSTALGIC. THEN I WAS SITTING AT WORK AND CAME ACROSS THAT SONG AND SWOONED A LITTLE. THEN I WAS TELLING STEPHANIE SHE SHOULD GET HIGH AND I REMEMBERED ALL THOSE TIMES SITTING IN YOUR CAMERO GETTING REALLY HIGH TOGETHER AND THE TOTALLY FUCKINESS OF ALL THIS MADE ME WISH I WAS REALLY REALLY HIGH OR SOMETHING SO I DIDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL THESE FUCKITY EMOTIONS I’M HAVING AND DIDNT HAVE TO BE ALL SAPPY BECAUSE I MISS YOUR SMILE OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT. AND I DONT’ KNOW WHY I CARE ABOUT EMAILING YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE A TOTAL ASSHOLE FOR THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER EXCEPT THOSE LIKE TWO TIMES YOU DID SOME PRETTY SWEET THINGS. AND I’M TOTALLY MARRIED SO WHY DO I EVEN GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WRITING YOU? YEAH SO HERES YOUR EMAIL ASSHOLE

This whole situation has caused me to eat a whole lot of celery and cream cheese because I’m trying to be healthy but still need to shove something in my mouth before I freak the fuck out. Then we get it in our head that maybe I should email Kylen to my other ex (if you can really call a fuck buddy you had for 5 years an ex) and his email was going to look like this.

HI FUCKER. DON’T KNOW WHY I’M WRITING YOU. I HEARD A SONG THAT REMINDED ME OF YOU THE OTHER DAY. ALL YOU WERE GOOD FOR WAS TO LOOK AT AND TO FUCK WHEN I WAS LONELY. BOY YOU MISSED OUT ON A GOOD THING. DON’T YOU WISH YOU HAD PICKED ME ALL THOSE YEARS AGO. I DONT BECAUSE YOU CAN’T BE FAITHFUL FOR SHIT. HA HA HA AH AH BUT DAMN YOU SURE WERE FUN TO LOOK AT AND A GREAT PIECE OF MEAT. MY HUSBAND THANKS YOU FOR LEAVING ME FOR HIM TO FIND BECAUSE NOW I MAKE HIS LIFE SO GREAT AND YOUR SUCKS. HA HA HA

Hmm do I sound bitter. Fucking fucks. Gosh I dated some pieces of shit. Thank God I found my husband who is so amazing sometimes I wonder how in the hell he got stuck with me in the first place. It must be right though because somehow we made the worlds most perfect little boy.

I resolve to just say Fuck it this year this is me you love it or you hate it, (but, please, LOVE IT)

It’s the 28th today. Holy shit! Where did this year go. I feel like ever since I had Brandon the days just fly by and I hate that. New years is around the corner and I don’t know what to do with myself. I have this dumb shit rule that on holidays like New Years I prefer not to go out because someone got it in my head that since there is so much drunk driving about that its not a good idea to have both parents out in the same car in case someone wrecks into us. That means that for the last two years (the first year I was pregnant so I counted as a parent) my husband and I have done nothing. After all I don’t want to let my New Year celebration be the cause of my son losing both his parents because some teeny bopper got drunk and smashed into us. (Oh gosh do I sound old! OLD, capital OLD not just a little OLD but OLD and moldy OLD) We sit at home and pass out before 9:00 and feel like asses in the morning that we didn’t even have a first kiss. Every year I ask Rob if he wants to go out with his friends and he says no because he feels dorky not having anyone to kiss at midnight (a better answer would be “no baby I want to stay home because I love you and the night wouldn’t be the same with out you” HA, never happen!) So this new years we you will again be able to find me at home in my bed or perhaps rebelling a little and playing an action packed game of yahoo Gin. Go GIN Buddies!

New Years has also brought upon the whole resolution crap talk. Like anyone ever follows their resolutions. One year I resolved to learn to knit or crochet (thats right I don’t know the difference, I wanted to do the one with the little hooky thing and not the chopsticks). I got as far as making a big long rope that pretty much fell apart and I gave up. I’m sure probably 20 out of the 25 years I’ve been around I resolved to lose 20 pounds. HA, no, really, HA! The only people who will have luck with that gay ass resolution are those smart enough to go get a tummy tuck or their stomachs stapled on December 31st. Ooo yeah I also resolved to be a better friend (or some bullshit like that) only I realized in order to be a better friend I needed to have better friends to be a good friend to so maybe I should have resolved to kick my shit ass friends to the curb (I totally succeeded with that last year GO ME). My husband resolved to quit saying Goddammit but then he realized that I make him say Goddammit to much to ever quite saying Goddammit because apparently something about me makes him so angry sometimes HE JUST HAS TO TAKE THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN. (Dear God please forgive me for just writing Goddammit three no now four times, but hey have you noticed what an effort I’ve been making to write gosh instead of God and that I totally learned to capitalize the “G” out of respect now? Go me!)

Maybe this year I should resolve to be a total bad ass or to be super awesome or something. WAIT! I already am SUPER AWESOME! I guess maybe a more realistic resolution would just be to be healthier for my son and to set a better example. Not to lose weight or diet but just be healthier. I was doing good for quite a while but I think I fell of the healthy wagon and landed in the lake of chocolate and junk food. I could make a resolution to blog daily. But then what if I didn’t, would I be a total fuck up because I was having an off day. Then should I feel guilty all year because I let down the 5 readers I have. I should resolve to cut back on diet soda’s but really, REALLY! now why would I do that? I should resolve to stop writing such crappy ass boring blogs and start putting some oomph into them. YA uh hu cuz my life is so full of oomphy things. I’m just full of excitement here. I won’t even go out on New Years and I am complaining I have nothing interesting to write about.

I’m going to go now. Off to work to sit and think about what a boring humdrum New Years I’ll be having while all my friends are out being drunk assholes. Oh how I miss being a drunk asshole. Except, NOT REALLY!

The author of this blog is the queen of Awesomeness (Yeah thats a word, shut it)

So onto the lighter side of my weekend. My husband and I decided that this year for the most part we were going to do that thing where we just go shopping for our own stuff and call it Christmas presents. I went Saturday and scored a super fantabulous belt that is reversible in two shades of brown which now means I have a belt that matches 98% of my shoes. HELL YA FOR ME. I also got two super cute T-shirts to go over all of the random color thermals I have collected lately. I got a bunch of other shit but the best part was my new fantastic awesome jeans. You know the only problem with perfect wonderful awesome jeans? I want more delightful wonderful perfect fitting jeans. Now I’m stuck with only one perfect pair of jeans. These pants make my legs look thin, my ass look small and me look fantasmick.

Wow how many more horrible made up adjectives can I put in one blog? This has been a spell check nightmare.

I briefly considered taking a picture of myself but I didn’t want to be all hey look at me in my fabulous jeans that you sooooo don’t have. HA HA suckers. If i did post a picture I would title it “LOOK AT ME IN ALL MY AWESOMENESS! ! ! !”