Ha! So my friend Stephanie is also a friend of a few of my exes. Last night we were sitting around being all dipshitty and looking through our year book and I got all nostalgic about talking to one of my exes. Not because I like him or I miss him because I’m very married to an amazing man, more just because we had some really awesome times together and it sucks that we don’t talk any more because they were sorta cool. So Steph and I got the bright idea that I should email them. This is how that email would probably go:
I WAS TALKING TO STEPHANIE ABOUT LAST NIGHT AND TELLING HER WHAT A TOTAL FUCK YOU WERE. I SAW OUR YEARBOOK AND IT SAID FADE TO BLACK AND I GOT ALL NOSTALGIC. THEN I WAS SITTING AT WORK AND CAME ACROSS THAT SONG AND SWOONED A LITTLE. THEN I WAS TELLING STEPHANIE SHE SHOULD GET HIGH AND I REMEMBERED ALL THOSE TIMES SITTING IN YOUR CAMERO GETTING REALLY HIGH TOGETHER AND THE TOTALLY FUCKINESS OF ALL THIS MADE ME WISH I WAS REALLY REALLY HIGH OR SOMETHING SO I DIDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL THESE FUCKITY EMOTIONS I’M HAVING AND DIDNT HAVE TO BE ALL SAPPY BECAUSE I MISS YOUR SMILE OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT. AND I DONT’ KNOW WHY I CARE ABOUT EMAILING YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE A TOTAL ASSHOLE FOR THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER EXCEPT THOSE LIKE TWO TIMES YOU DID SOME PRETTY SWEET THINGS. AND I’M TOTALLY MARRIED SO WHY DO I EVEN GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WRITING YOU? YEAH SO HERES YOUR EMAIL ASSHOLE
This whole situation has caused me to eat a whole lot of celery and cream cheese because I’m trying to be healthy but still need to shove something in my mouth before I freak the fuck out. Then we get it in our head that maybe I should email Kylen to my other ex (if you can really call a fuck buddy you had for 5 years an ex) and his email was going to look like this.
HI FUCKER. DON’T KNOW WHY I’M WRITING YOU. I HEARD A SONG THAT REMINDED ME OF YOU THE OTHER DAY. ALL YOU WERE GOOD FOR WAS TO LOOK AT AND TO FUCK WHEN I WAS LONELY. BOY YOU MISSED OUT ON A GOOD THING. DON’T YOU WISH YOU HAD PICKED ME ALL THOSE YEARS AGO. I DONT BECAUSE YOU CAN’T BE FAITHFUL FOR SHIT. HA HA HA AH AH BUT DAMN YOU SURE WERE FUN TO LOOK AT AND A GREAT PIECE OF MEAT. MY HUSBAND THANKS YOU FOR LEAVING ME FOR HIM TO FIND BECAUSE NOW I MAKE HIS LIFE SO GREAT AND YOUR SUCKS. HA HA HA
Hmm do I sound bitter. Fucking fucks. Gosh I dated some pieces of shit. Thank God I found my husband who is so amazing sometimes I wonder how in the hell he got stuck with me in the first place. It must be right though because somehow we made the worlds most perfect little boy.