Have I told you yet how I came to be gluten free? Probably like 7,000 times but I’m not so good at the remembering what I’ve already blogged about so I’ll tell you again.
Years ago when I was maybe 13ish I started getting this ridiculously horrible cramping that felt like, hey if I puke this will feel better (what kind of genius thinks this kind of shit). Only it never did. A few days would go by and the pain would go away. I finally went to see my doctor who took my blood pressure and informed me that I had an ulcer. He gave me ulcer pills told me to drink tons of milk and called it a day. Only problem was those made it hurt worse. I went back and he declared that whoever had told me to take those pills was an idiot. I reminded him that a month earlier he had in fact told me to take the pills. He looked in my chart and mumbled something and declared I was lactose intolerant and to quit all dairy. I nearly pissed myself because I am a vegetarian so besides veggies, milk, cheese and ice cream were all I had. I didn’t know what I would do with myself. About two weeks into that the pain came again. This time I went to my OB. He declared I had endometrosis and loaded me up with Vicodin (Oh so thats how the addiction started). He also did blood work and informed me I had very very low chances of ever having an ulcer. He did a surgery and said that I had stage four endometriosis. Lovely. That seemed to help for a while but the pain always came back. Three surgeries later I was endometriosis free (for now) and pregnant. OOOOOHHHH OUCH OOOOHHH SHIT. That is what I spent a lot of time saying during my pregnancy. I took myself to ER three times and was informed all three that I was suffering from gas and an ulcer. One visit I was even accused of taking Castor oil. Great, wonderful, fuck you very much. Another time they accused me of going to ER to get more ultrasounds just so I could see what the baby looked like. WOW got to love our medical care huh. I had the kid and pain was still there. Take myself to ER and get told I have an ulcer. At this point I lose it and morph into some complete nutso and use some unfriendly words at the doctor along the lines YOU BETTER FIGURE THIS OUT FUCKER I’M NOT LEAVING HERE AGAIN WITH! NOTHING! WRONG! He tells me he will do a courtesy ultrasound and its probably just some cysts rupturing. NOPE I have gallstones. Yeah thats right. This jack ass doctor was going to let me leave with some fucking ulcer pills which are hell on a gallbladder. When I went in for surgery for my gallbladder I was informed that it had been sick for a long time and it was so great I had it out because it had pushed itself up against another organ to prevent from bursting. PAIN STILL THERE. But don’t worry I had plenty of ulcer pills. Finally I think to myself. You know maybe I can’t eat wheat (no clue where the fuck this thought came from) and holy shit did it work. Only problem. FUCK! is it hard to give up bagels and bread and cake and cookies and brownies and so on.
Which brings me to the actual reason for this post. I want a bagel. I want a bagel from a bagel shop so bad. The kind that is just dripping with that cream cheese that only bagel places have. AND I CAN’T HAVE ONE. Yeah whatever. This leads me to the second reason for my post. It is so hard for me to eat. For lunch today I had this organic rice in a bag thing. It was okay but not good enough that I could eat the same flavor every day. This brings up the problem of me being a vegetarian. It seems like even the things that look vegetarian on the cover never are. They almost ALWAYS contain chicken broth. I got creative for a while and started making my own soups since most people make soup with damn wheat flour and I can’t have that either. However even my the master chef gets a little tired of cooking each meal. I hate when I go to a restaurant and the only vegetarian items are salad and potatoes. Would some rice and vegetables and beans kill you to put on. Or when I go to Paisans and they have two soups and both have chicken in them. Wow fuckers. I was perfectly content going to lunch at Wild Oats everyday but I guess that is too healthy for my coworkers.
Oh gosh could this post be any more boring? Sure it could! Can I cuss anymore? Absolutely. So sorry to my five readers for my verbal spewage of trash.
In the end I’m left eating a whole bunch of lettuce and making homemade soup all the time and grosso oatmeal for breakfast. You see I also hate eggs which makes breakfast nearly fucking impossible especially since one of my assfuck friends had to tell me that cereal contains bugs, bug pieces and bug eggs and sometimes hatched bugs. Now I’m stuck with oatmeal and fruit for breakfast. Shit is it any wonder I’m so crabby lately?