Ahhh Boys

My son ran over to kiss me this morning. This is what I saw.
Look closely. Do you see anything?

How about a little closer. OOoooo now you see it right? He was hell bent on kissing me and then the little booger (yea yea pun intended) tried to wipe it on me. He kept trying to wipe the booger on my neck and then gigglng at himself.

Sigh!

Fun facts…or just a really long list.

I was leaving the gym yesterday and I was thinking this thing I always think when I leave places and decided I would share some fun Shannon facts!

  • I can not reverse! Okay, wait. I can, but not very well and I don’t do it often.
  • In the rare occasion I do reverse, I can usually only back up to my left, don’t know why it is just that way
  • If I buy fresh baked bread from the store, somehow, one quarter of it never makes it home!
  • I don’t eat meat…but I drool over bacon daily
  • I hate math. A! LOT!
  • I need to have coffee every day or…wait……there is no or
  • I am pretty sure chocolate is a necessity and I can’t seem to give it up…to date I have never gotten tired of it, even after making truffles three days in a row in my kitchen.
  • I can never make up my mind and I never know what I want until five minutes before I get it
  • Once I know what I want, I WANT IT RIGHT NOW!..No really, Now, why don’t I have it already
  • I think MAC Prrrrrr Lipglass is an accessory that every woman needs!
  • It is illegal for you to try and us MY knives in my kitchen. I will probably poke you with my Santuko if you touch them.
  • Wusthof kills Henkle..do not try and argue this with me.
  • Mint tea solves most ailments.
  • So does Vicodin.
  • So does chocolate.
  • Apparently I don’t need to sleep in later then 4.
  • My body & brain disagrees though.
  • Taco bell is so very very good and I want some now, and almost always want some…Is Taco Bell Low Calorie..No..well then screw you.
  • It REALLY REALLY!!! Pisses me off when you don’t use your FUCKING blinker. I will curse at you and everyone around, This will also include rolling down my window and shouting terrible things to you.
  • No, really, last time this happened I followed the lady to the Starbucks drive thru and shouted that she was a dirty whore and I hoped she wrecked and why can’t you just use your fucking blinker!
  • I might have minor anger issues.
  • I get the urge to throw things A LOT! But I don’t anymore, because my husband accuses me of being a child.
  • CHILD Whatever I will throw him.
  • If something is broken, WHACK it a few times and it usually works again, or….its broken worse and then you can really whack it.
  • When you break something because you whacked it…never ever ever tell your husband it is broken because you whacked it!
  • A good way to taste cheetos when you are on a diet is feed them to your one year old and then kiss him.
  • I loooooove my zester (microplane) but I never have anything to zest..Boo
  • I can take notes on sticky notes all day long.
  • I love post its. I mean really. I have the tall ones, the small ones, the lined ones, the rectangle, and cubed and heart ones…in fact I heart post its.
  • I can never find the notes I write on post it notes.
  • I often find post its stuck to my shoes.
  • I should write a post it telling me to look on my shoes when I can’t find the last post it I wrote.
  • Fish should be banned. Ewww. Yuck. This also goes for all things fish flavored, fish smelling, or anything that grew up near fish i.e. sea weed and well sea weed.
  • Fish is a meat people. When I say I don’t eat meat please don’t ask..EVEN FISH!
  • Yes even fish dumb ass…I DON’T EAT ANIMALS
  • YES THIS ALSO MEANS CHICKEN SO STOP ASKING THAT. If I ate chicken then I would say I don’t eat red meat. I don’t say that do I? SO STOP ASKING!
  • I also don’t eat sushi. No not even the vegetable rolls. They are wrapped in sea weed. Sea weed taste like fish.
  • No, really it does. Don’t argue with me about this. I’m right.
  • I love wusabi. A lot.
  • I love potatoes
  • I love Benihanas.
  • I love tempura anything. Mmmm I would love to try some tempura chocolate. IF you have some of that lying around, send it my way okay.
  • I don’t like to return things. I have pants in all the wrong sizes because I don’t return things.
  • I don’t like to try stuff on, if I like it, I buy it because, I want it NOW and trying it on isn’t NOW.
  • It drives me nuts when people don’t say Nevada correctly.
  • It makes me more crazy I don’t know the proper phonetic sqigglys to put over the A in Nevada to show you how to pronounce it. You prounounce it Nevaaaaaaada like bad like Nebada.
  • When I tell you that you said it wrong don’t respond to me Tomato Tomoto Grrrrr that really pisses me off.
  • I love Oprah.
  • I don’t love the sad stories on Oprah like the one about the conjoined twins they are about to separate, this story makes me cry even though it has a happy ending.
  • Lately everything makes me cry.
  • No I’m not pregnant…I’m just very emotional right now.
  • Why is it everytime a girl cries a lot or can smell their husbands farts really well they get accused of being pregnant.
  • This list is really long.
  • I’m done writing it now.
  • Have a nice day!
  • USE YOUR BLINKER!

The one where I talk about cardboard.

Before I went to the hospital to have Brandon they starved me. REALLY! I couldn’t eat for something like 12 hours before. Did I mention I had Brandon AT 4:21 PM!!!! I was quite cranky and mean by the time they finally tossed a few crackers my way THE NEXT DAY! The point of my blog. Have you ever noticed how when you are starving the smallest things can seem amazing. The crackers they fed me at the hospital that day, by far BEST CRACKERS EVER! Now I have not eaten them again since my stay in the hospital but I’m pretty sure they would taste very similar to cardboard if I did.

When I was on Atkins my cousin and I went on a mission to find any possible way to cheat on the diet. We scoured health food stores, vitamin stores, and store isles we previously balked at. We found some of the most amazing sugar free treats. Yummy Atkins ice cream, sticky sweet rolls for sandwiches, amazing bread for toast, great pre-cooked chicken for our salads and so on. About a year later, I came across some of this stuff. We tried it again and nearly vomited. Were we so starved that a sugar free mint wafer that taste like cat piss really seemed like a delectable treat to us? Apparently!

Then there was my low fat, whole wheat kick. I made all of these meals I considered amazing at the time. A few months after I had given up that diet I made my favorite diet, pita pizza and nearly starved from the small portion and not to mention the taste. It tasted like cardboard with pizza sauce. I had to giggle. Was I so starved from dieting that I thought a whole wheat pita cut in half would suffice as pizza crust, and plain tomato sauce would be the same as real pizza sauce? I was out of my damn mind.

Now I’m actually enjoying my diet. Everything I make now, I make sure others taste or smell. I want to know that a few months down the road I’m not going to become grossed out by the food I have allowed myself to suffice on. So far I’ve done pretty good. However, I tried to revisit the sugar free low cal ice cream from my Atkins days and really people, I COULD NOT DO IT. Instead I scoured the ice cream until I came up with a compromise Dreyer’s Slow Churn Ice Cream. Only the light version is acceptable, the sugar free, is, after all sugar free. It is nice to finally find something that seems naughty to eat and still has the creamy yummy texture of ice cream while tasting like, well, ICE CREAM. I made this wonderful dinner last night. The good thing is it was full of so much actual flavor that I’m not worried it will get boring to me later. Here is what I had (keep in mind I’m a vegetarian and gluten free):

1/2 Cup white beans (80 calories)
2.5 Cloves of garlic, rough chopped (11 calories)
2 Tbsp yellow onion chopped (8 calories)
1 Corn tortilla wamred (70 calories)
1/4 cup green enchilada sauce (10 calories)
1 Tbsp sour cream (30 calories)
1 Tbsp olives (25 calories)
Handfull shredded lettuce (3 calories)
1/3 tomato diced (16 calories)
Tapatio to taste (about 1 calorie)
TOTAL CALORIES ABOUT 254

Saute onions and garlic for 2 minutes. Toss in white beans and heat until they split. Pour in green sauce until heated. Warm tortilla. Place bean mix on top of tortilla and layer with tomatoes, olives, and lettuce. Top with sour cream and tapatio.

I was stuffed after what seemed like such a small meal. Also I was shocked at how much I enjoyed the white beans in a mexican dish instead of the normal black or red beans I use. It is a very reasonable amount of calories, in fact if you still find yourself hungry you could have a small salad or some rice on the side and still come within the range of normal calories for a meal. I was stuffed after eating this, but it was so so good I was actually sad when it was gone. I have some more for lunch today and I really can’t wait to eat it.

So the whole point of this blog was me laughing at how your body can convince yourself that things are good when really its complete rubish….like the time I thought I didn’t need sugary cereal and could actually live on plain wheat flakes with splenda….silly silly girl…I need cocoa crispies to live!

One more reason why I hate eggs

I am baby sitting my friends kids today. They arrived at 7:45 AM and will be staying until 3:00 PM. When they came I asked them what they wanted for breakfast. Knowing that her son is very very very VERY! particular I told him I would make whatever he wanted as long as I had it. He scans my pantry, takes a taste of my fruity cheerios and declares he would like EGGS AND TOAST. I said cool! How do you want your eggs. He informs me he likes them white on top with the yellow runny. I ask his sister and she says she would like scrambled please. They both decide they would also like bacon and toast with grape jelly. Here is how the rest of the conversation goes.

To him: How many eggs do you want?

Him: I would like three. But I want two first and then the third one after those. I would like one piece of bacon and two toasts.

To her: How many eggs do you want?

Her: I would like 8 eggs I’m very hungry

To her: How about we start with two and go from there?

Her: Okay but I love bacon so I want a lot!

To both: Okay I will make 4 bacons and you can each have two and I will make 4 toasts and you can each have two and share them how you like.

Them: Okay great.

Soooo. I cook his first egg and I flip it over so that both sides are cooked but it is still runny. He looks at it and says EWWWWWWW no! He likes his eggs shiny white with a big yellow bump (sunny side up). So I put the banned egg on a plate and put a new one in the plate. I cook it sunny side up and ask him to come look at it. He declares it looks delicious and can’t wait to eat it. I scramble her eggs, cook his second egg, put the four eggs total on two plates, with two bacons and two toasts and give them each their prefered flavor of milk.

He looks at the eggs he just declared delicious and says……This yolk looks kind of creepy I won’t eat them I want the other kind of egg.

So I take the two eggs put them back in the pan, flip em and he says no. I put them back and break the yolk he says no. He tells me he would really just like to have scrambled like his sister. Sooooo. I break two more eggs…if you are counting I have now made 7 eggs. I put them in the pan and scramble them and he says…
“I WOULD REALLY JUST LIKE MY OTHER EGGS BACK NOW!!!!!”

So I give him his other eggs. Dump the two scrambled ones on the plate with the first banished egg and the bread crust from his bread since he refused crust.

I ask my husband if he wants the eggs and he tells me he is full. Sooo I stare at them. The kids declare they are done eating. This is what I see…

Her plate. All eggs gone, 1 bacon gone and all four (two cut in half) pieces of toast still there with one bite out of two of them.

His plate. The yellow out of the eggs gone, but two pretty much full eggs remain, two pieces of toast (so he ate half of each) and both bacons.

If you are keeping track that means out of 7 eggs, a total of 3 where eaten. Out of 4 bacons, 1 was eaten. Out of 4 pieces of bread, 1 piece was eaten.

There are also two full glasses of milk on my table!

Did I mention I am low on money and the idea of wasting that much food really, really, really PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF!

By the way, I made Brandon a full piece of toast….AND HE ATE THE WHOLE THING!

In an instant


I remember when I was pregnant. I would read all of these books assuring you that it was perfectly normal to not bond with your child right away. The books told you stuff like how important every diaper change and feeding was because in the long run those things would help you bond. I remember reading all of those books thinking to myself, THAT WILL BE ME! I mean really, how can you bond with something when you don’t really know how you feel about it when it is living inside of you. My whole pregnancy I didn’t understand those women who felt so bonded with the weird alien inside of them. Don’t get me wrong I was ULTRA happy to be pregnant and couldn’t wait to be a mom I was just very disconnected from the whole thing. If I would have lost the baby I would have been devastated but aside from that happening I don’t thing anything could have made me understand the magnitude of what was inside of me. The interesting thing is even if I had another baby I’m not sure I would feel any different about it. I’ve told you before about how during my pregnancy I was 100% convinced that I was going to love my cat more then my child. I guess for me I don’t know how to relate or become attached to something that I can’t physically touch. I could see my cat but I couldn’t see this weird baby thing. Now I feel exactly the same way. If I got pregnant again, I feel as if I would spend the entire pregnancy telling myself I would love Brandon more then any new baby, because after all, HE is MY LITTLE BRANDON! I guess I would just have to float on the thought that I love Brandon now more then my cat and I’m sure I would love a new baby as much as Brandon.

When Brandon’s delivery date got close I started to read up on births and apgars and such and the thing that seemed to stick out the most was how important it was to hear your baby cry right when they came out. So as the date got closer that was all I could think about. Even on the day I was going to the hospital I was still saying how weird that next time we come home we will be parents and not saying, I already know I love this baby. The birth finally came. The doctor gave me the IV, they started my spinal block and he cut me open. Nothing! I was just chilling there like nothing. THEN I heard Brandon cry. I shit you not I started bawling like a little baby and asking a thousand times in a row if that was my baby crying and is he okay, is he okay, is he okay! In a instant I got it. I understood. It was all clear. Suddenly I couldn’t understand those women who said they didn’t instantly bond with their child. I hadn’t even seen him yet, I had only heard him and I knew.

That day when I finally came down off all the drugs I kept telling my husband “I LOVE HIM SO MUCH MORE THEN MY CAT, I REALLY REALLY LOVE HIM BABE!” Rob spent the next few days laughing his ass of at me because apparently he knew alllllll along I would feel this way and just let me go about my business thinking I would love my cat more. I remember when Angelina Jolie became pregnant thinking to myself, “Are Hollywood moms the same?” Then I read about how she was the same as me. She was sitting there obsessing over hearing the baby cry. I was actually touched. It was really nice to know that there are actually famous moms out there who have real feelings like I do. I also noticed her always wearing a nursing bra and I was so amazed. I always wondered why famous moms never nursed. This is totally besides the point I just wanted to take a second to point out that there are actually people with tons of money who can have anything they want and they really feel things. I guess it is really nice to know that even people with everything question things too.

So now I sit here wondering what will happen when I have the next baby. Am I really not going to love one more then the other? Am I going to be able to divide my time evenly so that Brandon doesn’t feel left out? Am I really going to be able to explain to Brandon that I can’t hold him because I’m feeding the new baby, with out Brandon feeling left out? But then I ask myself, self, is the same thing going to happen, are you going to ask your self ten thousand questions and then have a baby and in an instant will it all be clear again?

THEN I ask myself “Shannon, how many blogs are you going to write about this shit?” I mean really now! How many times am I going to ask these fucking questions before I get it through my thick skull that I have no way of knowing until it happens.

So this whole blog really started because I was laying there last night thinking of how much I love my son, and how all it took was one little cry for me to be in the deepest love I’ve ever felt. So thinking about this made me want to come on and blog about how much things really can change in an instant.

O, and also, can my boobs look any huger in this picture? Holy Shit!

Experience

I’ve been emailing with a male friend of mine today. He is engaged and I am married. That doesn’t stop us from flirting up a storm with each other though. It’s a safe flirt though. You know every few emails we make sure to mention our significant others to keep it safe. I am amused though at how much he reminds me of me, before I got engaged. I think it is amusing how much I think like a guy. Before I got married, I really wanted to run away. REALLY! Like up until about 15 hours before the wedding I wasn’t even sure I would show up. The night before our wedding at our rehearsal dinner he walked me to my car and proceeded to say exactly what I needed to hear at that second. Right then and there I knew I was making the right decision. I knew that since he knew that I was scared without me even telling him, and he knew the perfect thing to say, that this was right.

My friend is going through the same thing right now. We have been talking about temptation and him being afraid that he would give in. I had to explain to him that if you avoid the situation all together you will never know how you might have acted and maybe knowing is exactly what he needs. Sometimes situations present themselves for the sole purpose of helping us find ourselves. What may seem so bad at the time may really turn out to be the best mistake of your life. I have friends now who are married and they are so unhappy. They tell me daily they wish they hadn’t have gotten married. However now, they are married and afraid to leave because of kids, or credit scores and would rather live an unsatisfying life. I can’t imagine ever living that way.

Before I met my husband I had never been in a relationship longer then 3 months unless you count the 5 years I spent being fuck buddies with someone. I lived for the flings. At the time people thought bad of me for behaving the way nearly every guy behaves. Now those same people who spent their whole lives in one committed relationship or another are sitting there in an unsatisfying place wondering what else is out there. That is the beauty of it, I DON’T HAVE TO WONDER. I know. My little cousins are in high school now and I actually encourage them to date around. High school is the time for that stuff. Its the time to date all the types of people and find out what your type really is. 10 years later when your married is not the time to start wondering that.

I’m about to tell a story I’ve only told 3 people in my life and I will edit out anything I feel necessary because I can.

Before Rob and I moved in together we had been together for about two years and were kind of just sitting in limbo. I started trying to find reasons to pick fights and really began thinking I wanted to leave. Not because he wasn’t going to commit or move in or anything, but just because thats what I did. If things got to good I made them bad so I had a way out. I wanted to move forward and he was afraid. I met this guy at work. He was the complete opposite of Rob. We started talking and flirting at work. I had just lost a lot of weight and Rob never really said anything at all about it. I was coming to work every day and all of these guys were telling me the things I wanted to hear from Rob. Anyway this guy couldn’t drive a stick shift and needed to learn how and I got volunteered to teach him. We spent a couple nights doing that and since it was only the two of us we had no choice but to talk. A LOT! I think since he was the type of guy who hadn’t been with many girls maybe that is why he fell so quick. The next thing I knew this guy was telling me he loved me and that he wanted to have kids with me and he knew I was the one. Going from hearing nothing like that with Rob to having some guy tell you everything you want to hear can really fuck with your mind. I thought about it so much and decided I was going to break up with Rob. Not to be with this guy but just because I was feeling like there was more out there. We had a trip planned to California and I went with him. I didn’t speak to him once on the trip down there. He had no clue I was planning to leave him. The trip was uneventful but on the way back I really started to question all of my thoughts. I started to wonder if I would be happier with out him or if I wanted to be with him even though he wasn’t giving me the things I thought I needed. I really started to feel like maybe even thought he wasn’t ready, that I shouldn’t give up on him yet. That guy started really bothering me and pushing really hard and asking me to do things I wasn’t ready to do. He wanted to have sex and be a couple and all I wanted to do was make sense of what was going on in my head. Rob and I weren’t talking about moving in at all, in fact he really didn’t even know I was pissed that he hadn’t asked me to move in yet. One day my living situation got trashed and suddenly I found myself looking for a new place to live. While I was talking to Rob about it his response was “We’ll figure it out”. I’ll never forget that second in my life. I was in my room on my bed, the right side of the bed if you are looking at it and I said, what do you mean WE? He said, well I’ve been thinking and I think its time we move in together. He said that was why he quit smoking. He was allergic to my cat and knew that he couldn’t move in with me if he was still smoking since that, plus the allergy plus asthma would be a bad idea. I was flabergasted. I had no clue he was thinking of that, let alone that he had been thinking about it so long. He had actually quit smoking almost two months before that. At that moment everything clicked. I had that guy fired from our company and cut off all contact with him. He pushed and pushed and the more he pushed it was like he was pushing me right into Robs arms. I don’t regret the stuff that happened with that guy because it put me where I am now. Sometimes mistakes are the only way to learn.

Now that I’m with Rob I’m so happy. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t sit around wondering if I made the right choice, or if he is still happy with me or is he still in love or just there because its comfortable. That is why guys need to show us and we need to show them once in a while that we are still right where we want to be. If any guys read this blog here comes some good advice. WE STILL NEED TO KNOW! We will always need to know. Even if we aren’t sitting there wondering, when you do something to show us it will fill us up with so much excitement, you will definitely see the benefits of that. One example would be Emery’s husband. They have been married for a while now and one day while he was out of town he sent her this ridiculously amazing video where he had written her all these great things. At that moment SHE KNEW. Or for me. One day this ass face tried to run over me and my son while we were walking, on purpose. When I told my husband, who never ever got jealous or angry all the sudden he was pounding on this guys car door telling him he would kill him. Seeing my husband get all puffed up over me made see how much he loved us. Not to mention it made me way super hot but thats another story. Or how one day he got jealous because his friend flirted with me. Five years and he hasn’t been jealous once, and now I’m overweight covered in baby spit and he still likes me enough to get jealous. I wanted to shout at the moon and pat myself on the back. I would give more examples but I really can’t. It seems like so many of my friends are stuck in these marriages they don’t want to be in, or stuck wondering if there isn’t someone better. I have so many friends telling me they feel like they are nothing but a mom. They spend there days feeling inadequate and quit trying. I have one friend in particular like this. She says they barely have sex anymore and she feels so useless. She says that she only stays for the kids and even though she knows he loves her he never lets her know. I am so astonished because I can’t imagine living like that. Every few days Rob makes sure to walk by and squeeze my butt. I know it seems silly but I like it. I like knowing he still likes my ass enough to give it a good squish. It makes me happy knowing that he can find me hot, in my sweats, with week old hair, baby boogers, poop and food on me and armpit hair that you could grate cheese on. I think guys take for granted what they have. However at the same time I think so do we. I think that girls go around thinking since guys aren’t all emotional and dramatic they don’t need to know we are still interested. There are things we can do also. First, if you have kids although letting them know that you think they are great dads is nice, you don’t want them to think that that is all we think of them now. A lot of dads start to feel really left out when you have a baby and its important to let them know you still love them. One of the best things you can do, since after all we are talking about guys here, is try something new in bed. Tell them how irresistible they are, because even guys need to know you still think they are hot enough to ravish in bed. They want to know you still love em even with their beer belly. Something else is to find something they love, like video games and computer games and just randomly come home with a new video game that was just released. Or a new gizmo for their computer or game. That way they know you were just driving around that day thinking of them. However, another thing you can do is remember, that even though guys don’t verbalize their emotional side like we do, they still want to hear all the same stuff as us. Sometimes sitting down and writing a nice letter telling them how wonderful and amazing they are and how you think they are just like superman and ultra hot and all that shit is totally what they need. Prancing around in a new black pair of non granny panties after you have showered and even put on perfume and maybe even styled your hair for once, definitely lets em know you still care. Oh ya and sexual favors while your on your period makes them really happy. It goes both ways you know.

The other day I had a minor health scare and I started to look at everything around me. I realized just how lucky I was. I also realized that I hadn’t taken the time in a while to tell Rob that I know just how lucky I am. I took a second to write him a short note just to let him know how I felt and that he was on my mind. It made the biggest difference. I have gotten extra kisses all week and tons of hugs and I can tell that, it was just what he needed to hear. I am just ashamed that it took my health to make me remember to remind him I love him.

Anyway that guy I’ve been emailing all day said I’m hilarious but he also thanked me for telling him all the tricks of the trade. I told him he is lucky since most of the time us girls prefer to to just sit around and watch them fuck up so we can laugh at what idiots they are.

I hate it when I don’t know what to do

Okay moms I need advice. I’m slowly learning how to punish my son. When I say punish I mean put him in timeout for about 23 seconds. However what I don’t know is when is an appropriate time for punishment. This afternoon I was doing dishes and I realized Brandon was being FAR to quite. Soo I sneak around the house until I find him. Sigh! He was in the bathroom. He had unrolled all of the toilet paper in small amounts, dunked em in the toilet and then suck little wet toilet paper balls all over the bathroom. Then he took the little freshener thing I had in the toiled off and dropped it in the toilet. When I came in he was using the plunger to try and scoop out the toilet freshener thing. I told him no, picked him up, washed his hands and took him out of the bathroom. My mom said I should have put him in time out.

SHOULD I HAVE?

On one hand I felt like it was mostly my fault for leaving the door open and not watching him. On another hand I thought it was freaking hilarious and so very very cute. And then on the rational hand I really felt like maybe I should have punished him. BUT really, does something like that really constitute a time out?

Please moms, I’m a punishment rookie. All help and advice will be greatly appreciated.

A landmark event

My

Son

Will

Finally

Drink

Plain

Milk!

This means no more getting out the chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla flavored milks every 20 minutes when he wants more milk. This means no more dumping chocolate and strawberry milk on my carpet (of course the white vanilla milk never gets dumped out because, its, white). This means no more covering my counter in grainy powder when I get up in the middle of the night to make Brandons milk at 3AM. Most of all this means I no longer feel like an asshole parent letting their kid survive on sugar flavored sugar milk! Thank! Gosh!