In an instant

I remember when I was pregnant. I would read all of these books assuring you that it was perfectly normal to not bond with your child right away. The books told you stuff like how important every diaper change and feeding was because in the long run those things would help you bond. I remember reading all of those books thinking to myself, THAT WILL BE ME! I mean really, how can you bond with something when you don’t really know how you feel about it when it is living inside of you. My whole pregnancy I didn’t understand those women who felt so bonded with the weird alien inside of them. Don’t get me wrong I was ULTRA happy to be pregnant and couldn’t wait to be a mom I was just very disconnected from the whole thing. If I would have lost the baby I would have been devastated but aside from that happening I don’t thing anything could have made me understand the magnitude of what was inside of me. The interesting thing is even if I had another baby I’m not sure I would feel any different about it. I’ve told you before about how during my pregnancy I was 100% convinced that I was going to love my cat more then my child. I guess for me I don’t know how to relate or become attached to something that I can’t physically touch. I could see my cat but I couldn’t see this weird baby thing. Now I feel exactly the same way. If I got pregnant again, I feel as if I would spend the entire pregnancy telling myself I would love Brandon more then any new baby, because after all, HE is MY LITTLE BRANDON! I guess I would just have to float on the thought that I love Brandon now more then my cat and I’m sure I would love a new baby as much as Brandon.

When Brandon’s delivery date got close I started to read up on births and apgars and such and the thing that seemed to stick out the most was how important it was to hear your baby cry right when they came out. So as the date got closer that was all I could think about. Even on the day I was going to the hospital I was still saying how weird that next time we come home we will be parents and not saying, I already know I love this baby. The birth finally came. The doctor gave me the IV, they started my spinal block and he cut me open. Nothing! I was just chilling there like nothing. THEN I heard Brandon cry. I shit you not I started bawling like a little baby and asking a thousand times in a row if that was my baby crying and is he okay, is he okay, is he okay! In a instant I got it. I understood. It was all clear. Suddenly I couldn’t understand those women who said they didn’t instantly bond with their child. I hadn’t even seen him yet, I had only heard him and I knew.

That day when I finally came down off all the drugs I kept telling my husband “I LOVE HIM SO MUCH MORE THEN MY CAT, I REALLY REALLY LOVE HIM BABE!” Rob spent the next few days laughing his ass of at me because apparently he knew alllllll along I would feel this way and just let me go about my business thinking I would love my cat more. I remember when Angelina Jolie became pregnant thinking to myself, “Are Hollywood moms the same?” Then I read about how she was the same as me. She was sitting there obsessing over hearing the baby cry. I was actually touched. It was really nice to know that there are actually famous moms out there who have real feelings like I do. I also noticed her always wearing a nursing bra and I was so amazed. I always wondered why famous moms never nursed. This is totally besides the point I just wanted to take a second to point out that there are actually people with tons of money who can have anything they want and they really feel things. I guess it is really nice to know that even people with everything question things too.

So now I sit here wondering what will happen when I have the next baby. Am I really not going to love one more then the other? Am I going to be able to divide my time evenly so that Brandon doesn’t feel left out? Am I really going to be able to explain to Brandon that I can’t hold him because I’m feeding the new baby, with out Brandon feeling left out? But then I ask myself, self, is the same thing going to happen, are you going to ask your self ten thousand questions and then have a baby and in an instant will it all be clear again?

THEN I ask myself “Shannon, how many blogs are you going to write about this shit?” I mean really now! How many times am I going to ask these fucking questions before I get it through my thick skull that I have no way of knowing until it happens.

So this whole blog really started because I was laying there last night thinking of how much I love my son, and how all it took was one little cry for me to be in the deepest love I’ve ever felt. So thinking about this made me want to come on and blog about how much things really can change in an instant.

O, and also, can my boobs look any huger in this picture? Holy Shit!

3 thoughts on “In an instant

  1. Holy shit they are huge. Not that they aren\’t big now, but damn girl!!!! I am sure that it will all make sense to you and you won\’t love one anymore than the other. You will love them the same and yes, you will be able to have Brandon understand. You are a wonderful mom.


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