Meltiness

Sometimes, there are those pictures. The ones that just make your heart melt. The ones that at the same time make you see just how BIG your LITTLE boy is getting. He wants to be just like daddy. Sniff sniff.

AN OPEN LETTER TO MOMS WHO THINK THEY KNOW BETTER THEN THEIR CHILD

To all moms who think they know better then their child. When your child lets you know he is done eating and wants out of their high chair, LISTEN TO THEM! Don’t think you know better, don’t think it is okay to leave him there for just a few more seconds while you finish watching CSI! Go get that child out before this happens to you!

look how far he threw em…that is some arm huh?

Yes…I can still find things to whine about HA!

As I mentioned before, I’ve recently lost 14 lbs and 2 inches from my waist. That doesn’t mean though that I don’t wake up every morning and repeat the same prayer I have said every day for the last 24 years while putting on my jeans…
Please fit, please fit, please fit..please o please zip up!

It is funny that I still say this. Because, at this point every pair of jeans in my closet fit. I can’t help but wonder if I keep losing weight, if 20 lbs from now I will still be praying that my jeans pull up past my thighs just this once. It is weird to pull my jeans fresh out of the dryer and not have to do the shimmy hip shake just to wiggle my jeans up past my thighs. Will I always be a fat girl at heart?

Pros to losing weight:

  • My jeans fit.
  • My belt fits…and not just on the last belt hole.
  • I barely have a muffin top anymore (I had to explain to my husband last night what a muffin top was, complete with a demonstration and all, he laughed because “I can’t believe you girls actually have a word for that” Pshaw, we have a word for everything!)
  • My boobs look great, since they don’t compete for space with my belly
  • I don’t have to plan my outfit around FAT pants anymore
  • I can dry my clothes on Extra Hot now and not worry about my jeans “shrinking” (because thats what happened, my jeans keep shrinking, its not that I’m getting fatter or anything, its just because I dried on high heat and shrunk em, right?)

Cons to losing weight:

  • After an hour, instead of your jeans relaxing to look perfect, they relax and get so saggy that you look like you grew a 10″ dick and took a 30 pound shit in your pants and the hip section sags to bad it looks like you birthed 43 kids.
  • None of your pants actually fit, not even when you are bloated on your period
  • My shirts are all pretty much too big, so I look all weird and saggy now
  • My boobs shrunk, so now my bra does this weird thing where it kind of folds in half in the front since there is nothing to fill it
  • My glasses don’t fit my face anymore since they are all stretched from Chubby Face Shannon

Ahhh. Isn’t it just like me to find something to complain about even thought I’m losing weight? Things just wouldn’t be right if I lost this much weight and had nothing at all to whine about right?

A post that never should have been

Yesterdays post. Sigh! I’m still not sure I was ready to write that. I’m not even sure I was ready to feel that. More then anything I feel bad that I got so serious. I mean I try and keep this site funny and witty and humorous and then I go get all deep on you. My goal is to be interesting enough to finally be noticed by Amalah and get a link on her page. Or even just a mention would make me happy since she is the goddess of all mommy blogs.

Another reason I’m not so sure about yesterdays post is, I’m not so sure I should be allowed to feel that way. I’m married. Doesn’t that mean that I should never think of another man? Or is it okay that I still harbor feelings for “the one who once was?” Part of me is ashamed I’ve gone and admitted to you all that I secretly wonder what if. Part of me is afraid you will think I love my husband any less because I have these feelings for this other guy. That is not the case though. In fact it is the opposite. I love Rob even more knowing how things turned out. I love him more every day knowing he chooses to go to work every day to support Brandon and I rather then chasing empty dreams like the other guy would have. I love him more knowing he is there for his son rather then making him a burden. I love him more knowing that he comes home every night to me, and I never have to question if he will be there tomorrow. I think the other guy is just dreams of my past. Dreams of the girl I once was.

I used to be this other person. This girl who went out and did wild things. I had fun. I yelled and screamed and sang and danced and shouted at the moon. I dressed cool and did my hair and gave a shit. Guys looked at me and wanted me and chased me. I dated all the guys you wished you could date and then some. I was this amazing girl who actually did stuff. If I wanted to go, I went. If I wanted it, I found a way to get it. And now.

Now, I’m just someones mom and wife. Guys don’t look at me anymore. No one chases me or yearns for my kiss. There are no more love notes from admirers on my car when I leave work. No more wild trips to California to make memories with some guy who was cute somewhere near exit 43. If I want something now, I rationalize the cost of it. I wonder if I really need it or if I can live with out it. If I want to go somewhere now, I usually don’t because, really, I have a son and what kind of mom takes off and enjoys her life, while her husband is stuck at home watching their son. That is no way to be. Now, I’m just some girl dreaming over a love she once had, holding onto the little bit of youth left in her. I’m just some girl yearning to be on a bike ride with her best friend. Riding no where, with no purpose, no plan, no reason, just riding.

All of my friends read that post and thought it was so deep. But really, it was just me whining about what I no longer have. I talk shit about those moms who run around leaving their kids at home. Those moms who go to clubs at night while someone else sits at home with their child. Those moms who think of their kid as an accessory. All the while I’m sitting here dreaming that just for one day, I could be that girl again. That girl who went to a show, to see a boy, and have a drink, and make out behind the club. Just to be that free one more time.

Is that what happens to all of us? Do we all grow up and secretly dream of the person we once were? Or am I the only one who changed so much? Are other moms not dreaming this because they are still that person? I keep hoping some day that I can have a daughter. So I can watch her enjoy life like me. I can’t wait to encourage her to date and play and go on road trips. Let her know it doesn’t always have to be serious. Relationships don’t always have to be meaningful. You don’t always have to conform. It’s okay to have a tattoo at 15 and dye your hair and try different clothes and try different guys. But I would let her know that she needs to cherish every second of her childhood and her teens. Because someday, shes going to grow up, and be a mom and she will sit there wishing she had all those times back.

And I guess, really, I would rather wish to have those times back, then to have never had them at all. I would rather know what its like to hurt over a lost love or 20 lost loves, then to never know at all, because I was so serious in school. Or because all I had were serious long term relationships. Maybe I didn’t lose myself at all. Maybe all these memories are helping me find that girl. Maybe I got on my bike that day for a reason. Because that girl was back in my subconscious screaming out to me to go, ride, let my hair blow in the breeze. Go, for just a minute and be alone. Leave your son and your husband and ride away from it all. Just not to far. Just down the street. Just long enough to remember, that girl was there. She really existed.

My mom wrote this poem once, it started out,
“growing wild and running free, thats what they say about you and me..”

Only my version would be, “growing wild and running free, thats what they USED to say about you and me!”

But thats okay right? It’s okay that I USED to be that girl? Its okay that I want to remember that boy and those feelings. Its okay to dream that had I chosen him I would be living this wild haphazard life. Its okay, because at the end of the day, I always come back to reality right? And, no matter what, I never forget that I made the right choice. I chose to settle down, and be the best wife I can be, and the best mom I can be. So in another 20 years I can look back and remember, all these times. And I can yearn for the days when my little boy was still little, and I can know, that in the end I made all the best choices for my son and my husband, and of course, I made all the best choices for me. And, I can go for a bike ride and remember that girl I was 40 years ago. I can laugh about her. I can be happy knowing at one point, I was her. At one point, I was growing wild and running free. Because in the end isn’t that all that matters? Doesn’t it only matter that you were once that person, that no matter what you were a person you loved?

All of this from a stupid little bike ride

Do you have one of those friends, the friends that no matter what you just can’t let go? I do. AND, that friend is a boy. Ugggg. This is one of those blogs I don’t think I was ready to write. I’m not sure I’ll really ever be ready to write about him. His name is Jeremy. Writing his name right now is causing my heart to twist up in funny ways. Its like that song by Wynona Judd, that says, “I still catch my breath when someone mentions you”, ITS JUST LIKE THAT! It’s like, the kind of thing, you could never describe in a blog. It could never do justice to the profound bond I had with him. Its like trying to describe your love for you child. How do you describe 17 years of history?

Jerm and I met in 2nd grade. He was so dorky and so cute at the same time. We started dating, you know, elementary love. He had a hard life. No way around it, Jerm got the shit end of the stick. So he spent a lot of time at my house. I didn’t live far, just a bike ride away. Thats what we did. We rode bikes together. We rode to school, to each others house, to the 7-11 for 7-up and Snickers ice creams, we rode up and down the street, we rode circles around each other, we rode just for the sake of nothing better to do. Jeremy and Shannon. We were best friends. Even though we quit dating we were still friends. We always joked that we were each others longest relationship since we technically never broke up. We never kissed or anything like that, well, at least not for about 10 years. Jerm always stuck up for me no matter what, and hung with me even when we became two completely different people. When high school rolled around at different times we both liked each other but we never seemed to get it right. He was dating someone, I was dating someone, or the strength of our friendship would get in the way and make it weird. I found this quote once:

“A boy and a girl can be friends, at some point he will like her and at some point she will like him, but at what point do they both like each other, maybe just maybe, it never happens?”

This is how it was with he and I. Where we ever going to get it right? Jeremy is a mosh rocker lead singer of a band. I’m a preppy, love song laid back kinda gal. We both have tattoos and love to stir up shit, we both love a good party, Vans and camo stuff and for the longest time we both loved each other. Just seemed like it was never enough. He was always so goofy and had this silly grin that I never seemed to take him serious.

Then suddenly when I was about 19 I think we both just opened our eyes and saw two totally different people staring back. We worked together and saw each other every day. I realized I was dressing to impress him, and I always had a reason to run into the back when he was there. I felt like a little kid with a silly crush, only this was a crush I knew could hurt me. One day, in the back by the refrigerator we kissed. Our very first kiss. WOW! It was so crazy. This guy, who had been my goofy friend was suddenly screaming with sex appeal. His touch made me shiver and his kiss sent me through the moon. I was shocked. I think we both were. He said he always knew it would be right, I asked him why he never let me know. I guess he was just waiting for me to figure it out on my own. At this same time I met Rob. I was fragile I hadn’t really dated since Eli and the last thing I wanted was love or anything serious. Jeremy and I got so close so fast. The question of sex started popping up and I freaked out. I mean one second we would be making out and I was dumbfounded by his body and the next second I would be running away thinking, this is goofy Jeremy. I think more then anything I was terrified of the feelings I knew would come with going all the way with him.

Late one night I was at Rob’s on his patio and Jerm called, we were talking and all the sudden he said “Shannon I love you!” I hung up. Just like that, I closed my phone and hung up. He called back and repeated it thinking my phone died. I said, Jeremy, I just can’t right now and hung up. SNAP I shut the phone and SNAP my heart stopped. I stood there, trying to ask myself if I really knew what I was doing. Did I realize this was my last chance. I understood it. I understood I had just thrown away ten plus years of the greatest friendship in my life. I walked into Robs room, got in his bed and waited for him to come home. Jeremy and I didn’t talk for nearly a year. When I saw him, my heart would stop. Instantly the questions would pop into my head. Did I make the right choice, what was I thinking, there is my life right there. I would look at him and see the anger and the hurt and at the same time I could see he moved on from me.

Then I got married. He was invited and he swore he would be there. He wasn’t there for the ceremony but seconds later after guests threw bird seed I came running down the stairs with my new husband, I looked up and saw him, standing there about twenty feet away. My heart stopped. More like it died. Why was he so far away? Could he not bear to actually see me get married? Or was he just late and I was being totally narcissistic? I told myself, he just couldn’t bear to watch me get married to another guy. He looked amazing. In his gray trouser shorts and black socks and black shoes and a black button up long sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up so you could see the star tattoos just below his elbows. His hair was kinda black and long and I was furious that he showed up looking so amazing. We danced and for a brief moment I wondered if I should grab him and run away. Just run off into the other life I was so afraid to lead.

But. I didn’t I let him go about his life and I went about mine. Rob and I got pregnant and then Jerm came back to work for us. Every day I would see him and every single day I would wonder. What if, what if, what if. What if I had chosen him that night. What if I never hung up? But I knew what if. I knew, we would be living in a broke down apartment. He wouldn’t have a car, I would be broke, we would never be able to just drive and listen to music together because I hated his music. Every day he came to work and every day I pushed the thoughts of us behind. I had my son. My perfect little boy and I knew that everything was as it was meant to be. I knew I needed to let go. But I couldn’t. Finally one day Jerm quit working here. He came in on his last day and when he left I chased him out front bawling. I cried and cried because I knew this time when he left he would have no reason to call me and let me know he was okay. He was gone. I understood we wouldn’t be talking anymore. My birthday came and he didn’t call. Jeremy always called. I understood. I pushed it aside and pushed him out of my thoughts. He went on to play with his bands and I would hear about him from time to time over the last year and each time my heart would stop, my breath would stop, the world would stop, and just for a second I would dream of him and me together. Then I would snap back to reality and realize, that he was off playing in bands and someday I would just be that girl, he used to love but didn’t even remember anymore. I was nothing to him.

And then! I went for a bike ride. Suddenly I found myself zipping down the street having so much fun and feeling care free. I found myself waiting for Jeremy to ride up behind me make some joke and start doing his silly laugh. Only, this time, no Jeremy. It was just me, riding alone with my thoughts. Thoughts I thought I put away. Suddenly all I wanted to do was ride. It’s like I wanted to ride the thought of Jeremy right out of me. I wanted to ride until it didn’t hurt that my friend was gone. Suddenly I felt like my friend had died and I just missed the funeral. A year had passed. A whole year and not a word from Jeremy. Nothing. He was over me. He moved on. I was a a thing of the past. Just some girl who hurt him way back when. I came to work today and looked up his band on Myspace. I was shocked when they popped up. There he was. In his camo shorts, dancing around on stage. I started to cry instantly. There he was, my friend, my love, my Jeremy. He was just going along, leading this whole life without me. I opened up the picture section and he was all over it. He looked good and healthy and stunning. His song started to play and instantly Jeremy was here. His voice was filling my office. This music I hated was suddenly so comforting to me. My Jeremy was okay.

I found out he is playing some shows, and part of me wants to go and see him. Say hi, hug him, touch him or something. But then what. I leave and nothing comes of it. I go home, to my amazing husband and my beautiful son and my wonderful life. I can’t help wondering if I should just leave it alone. Let him go. Forget I ever saw his page, forget I know where he will be, forget I ever loved him with my whole heart and just never knew until it was too late.

Only. I will never be able to forget. Ever time I ride my bike, or I wear my Vans or I see a guy in camo shorts, Jeremy will be there. In my mind. My little what if. My what could have been. My never would have worked out. My best friend.

Maybe, I just want my friend back. Maybe, I just wish that he could know, that I did love him. I did love him back, I was just to afraid to tell him. Maybe just knowing that he knows that would be enough. Knowing that he is still on my mind all the time and I didn’t just toss him aside and I still care about him and worry and think about him every day. Maybe if I just knew he knew that, then I could ride away from him. Until then, I’ll be riding my bike, waiting, for my FRIEND to pop up behind me. Waiting for the laughter. Waiting for the fun. Waiting for my memories to once again be a reality. To just see the goofy grin. I’ll just be riding.

Peddle, peddle, peddle, forget forget forget.

More about the bike riding

Ever since I went on my diet I’ve been looking for something that I can feel good doing but actually enjoy and look forward to. I’ve tried running, walking, elliptical and so on. None of it made me jump for joy and say YAY FITNESS! Then I started riding my bike. Like I said in the previous blog, I felt child like again. I remembered all those fun times riding to Gingers house, or riding to the market for slurpies, or riding to school, or just riding around to cause trouble with Jeremy. All the sudden it was like Jeremy was right there with me and we were riding around looking for shit to start. It felt amazing. I could feel my heart really working out, and my legs and ass getting greater as the moments passed. I could feel myself relaxing and easing into it. I feel amazing. This rain better stop, well who cares, I can ride in the rain anyway right?

its just like riding a bike

Thursday while I was driving home I noticed the weather was extremely nice. I got this grand idea that I wanted to ride my bike. I tried to think of the last time I had ridden, and all I could come up with was sometime before Rob so at least 5 years ago. Then that famous quote popped into my head. “It’s just like riding a bike”! Well, lets hope actually riding a bike, is, well, like..riding a bike. So he gets it down, and I get on and I go wobbling down the road. Then all the sudden it was all coming back to me. I went home got on some better clothes and took of flying down the road. I couldn’t believe how young I felt. I felt like a little girl riding over to her friends house. WAIT! I could ride over to see my friend. I rode to Allis and said hi and then rode back home since it was almost dark. I couldn’t believe how much fun it was. My old seat was slightly skinnier then I remember, or maybe my ass is just much bigger then when I was 10 but either way, my ass now feels bruised from my rock hard seat that felt similar to riding on a frozen chicken breast. I will pause here while you all picture me merrily cycling around on poultry.

So all day Friday all I can do is dream about bike riding again, but its Robs work out day. So when Saturday rolls around I jump out of bed and I am all pumped up and ready to ride. My parents are down at my work dicking around in the yard and I think, hey why not ride there. It is about 1.8 miles away. I think to myself. Shit, I can make it in about an hour. (I guess I forgot how quickly a bicycle goes). So about 15 minutes later, after stopping at the park to talk to a friend walking her dog, I make it to my shop. Rob shows up to pick me up, since I didn’t think I could make it home. Hell No man. I treck back home. Wooo I feel amazing. I just rode 3.6 miles and I was sad the fun had to stop. So while Rob and I are out running errands I get this great idea. Get a new seat and a basket for Brandon.

So we get it, Rob follows me to my work since I knew I could ride there again, we put on my new seat. Its a big, fat mamma, gellin super awesome seat. We attach Brandons little basket seat thingy on the back and strap on his new shiny red helmet. They tell me to ride around and make sure I feel like I can do it. I take a lap and zooooom I’m off. Before I know it Brandon and I are riding home. He loved it, I loved it and we both felt great. I can’t wait to start riding to work in the morning. I got out my little DaKine back pack so I can pack my lunch in it and I’m going to get a little leash for Brandons sippy cup so he can’t throw it overboard.

If your keeping track that is 7.2 miles total I rode yesterday and I am pumped and ready to go again now. So, why am I blogging instead of riding….FUCKING RAIN!

another odd ball thing about me

I left this off the six weird things about me. I may have mentioned this before. I eat things in twos. Well, not all things. Generally just small candies like, M&M’s & Skittles. I have this thing where I like both sides of my mouth to taste things at the same time. Also, if I eat something like a Starburst say, on the left side, I have to follow up with a Starburst on the right side, so both sides are equally flavored. Also I organize things by color in pairs of two and eat them in order of least amount of color first.

Is this odd?

Dun dun dun

I lost four more pounds. That is 14 total. Which means I am 6 pounds away from being able to say I lost 20 pounds. Whoah dude. How cool to be one of those people who struts around saying in their head, yeah 20 pounds, woo, I lost that did you? I took pictures that I will post tonight so ya’ll can track my progress. Ha ha this is like the reverse of tracking a pregnant belly.