I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO POST ABOUT THIS! Last Friday my husbands friend from work came over. Some how we got to talking about how Rob and his other work friend used the word swamp butt. Chicky (the friend with an odd nick name) laughed at me and said, “WOW you’ve never heard the word swamp butt or swamp ass before?” I was like uhhh NOOOOOO sorry girls don’t generally talk about that, you know being busy talking about boys and makeup and gossip and all!

So then he says……

“So I’m assuming you’ve never heard of cheddar before huh?’

Chedder, huh whu, who where.

I proudly say, “umm YEAH (imagine in a snotty tone sort of pronounced yay ya) I eat cheese all the time duh.”

He’s like, “uh no, you know chedder, the sweaty filmy stuff guys get on their balls.”

Insert blank stare here

Insert embarrassed omg did this guy just say that to me face here.

Finally I mumble out a , “uhh no I’m sorry I wasn’t aware of that.”

This then leads to an entire conversation with three guys and one girl about sweaty man balls, salty balls, and man cheese. Even odder was the fact this new friend Chicky thought I was so terrific because I was willing to sit around and talk ball sweat with him.

No I’m contemplating sending Webster’s a memo that they need to go ahead and add swamp ass and chedder to the dictionary so that woman around the world aren’t so clueless!

So for some reason I decided a few weeks ago to get all fancy and paint my toes! However, I have this rule where I take off polish every two weeks to air out my nails so they don’t yellow! Anyway I took it off this time with some non acetone nail polish. Next thing I know my fingers are all cracked and sandpapery where they touched the polish remover. What the heck. Is this just some weird pregnancy thing? AND PLEASE OH PLEASE HOW DO I FIX THIS SHIT! I pride myself on my soft hands!

I went for a hair cut today. It turned out fabulous. Know why, because after tip the hair cut cost me $55.00 and honestly I thought that was cheap. There are a few things that I am never cheap on. When I was little (little meaning 20) I bought the most expensive EVERYTHING! Always! No matter what it was I would only purchase name brand and only the highest price. Then I came to my senses and started becoming very picky about what I was and was not cheap on. So here it is, the list of things I will never never go cheap on. Of course there are the obvious things, toilet paper, paper towels, tooth paste, tooth brush and so on but here are the not so obvious!

• HAIR! I go to Genisis here in Reno. They have different level hair stylists there. Begining, intermediate and expert. You pay a lot for expert. I will accept nothing less. However, because of this, I have never left my two expert stylists dis-satisfied. In fact every time I leave with a cut and color that makes me feel like I dropped 20 lbs and morphed into Angelina Jolie!
• Purses. I generally only purchase Coach. There has been one Dooney and Bourke and to be honest the price of it was so low I never really liked it enough based on that. For me, purses, when picked right are something that can last your whole life time and even be handed down. Because of this I only buy good quality purses!
• Cars. Yeah I only buy expensive cars that are well built out of extra sturdy metal and that have all the gizmos. A few reasons. One I need to feel awesome when I drive my car, this way no matter how shitty I look, I look shitty in my fabulous car. Next, I’m very big on safety. You will never ever see me toting my kids around in a car (unless maybe when they are older possibly a BMW is the only car I would accept). My children are my life and to me, to carry them around in some beater car that will combust upon impact makes zero sense to me.
• My son! I tried to do that whole I can shop at Walmart for my sons clothes thing and really, aside from socks I CAN NOT SHOP AT WALMART FOR HIM! In fact unless its Babies R Us or Baby Gap, that shit ain’t touching my boy. The biggest reason is this, if I wouldn’t wear it why should he? When I shop for myself, as I’m sure you do, I always check the fabric, I only buy soft stuff that seems sturdy and comfy. Why on earth would I then walk around in a nice soft shirt while making my son wear some scratchy WalMart shirt Hmmmmm? Also the stuff at Baby Gap is made so well and their pants are so functional. My son is tall and super skinny. I love how all the Gap pants have adjustable waists so he can wear the right length AND waist! Imagine that!
• Computers. I only use Mac..nuff said!
• Cell Phones. Yeah I need to be able to do it all and more.
• Kitchen stuff. Knives only Wusthof…I mean really why settle for less. Pans Al Clad only. Dutch ovens Le Creuset only. Mixers only the Kitchenaid limited edition color one. Basically in my kitchen only the best will do!
• Food! Everything in my fridge is brand name, and meat has to be high quality.
• Art! No cheap ass scrap booking stuff here, I need stuff that lasts for years!
• Finally, books! I want books that will last and not fall apart or yellow!
• Edited to add (because Jen reminded me) Seriously people the 600 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets…preferably Hotel Collection Brand!

Oh wait..My husband…but that is only because he has expensive taste and won’t let me be cheap on any of his stuff!

So, what things are you never cheap on? What stuff do you just have to spend your hard earned pennies on and why?

I’m not sure if you remember but wayyyy back when I had posted about how I finally for the love of Gosh got my son to drink plain milk. It was my crowning moment. However, months of my hard work was completely unraveled by spending two days with grandma at work.

Heres what happened! In my newest mission to fatten up my child I have been mixing Pediasure with milk. Pediasure is some expensive shit. Seriously for a six pack the cheapest I can find is $10.00 a pack. My son could go through at least four a day so you can see this was getting to be an expensive habit. I kept it up for a about 3 months after that, unless my mom went and bought it, I only gave him about one Pediasure a day. Well my mom being all spendy would go out and spend about 100.00 at a time and stock up our office with bottle after bottle of this stuff. Then I went onto bedrest and the days of my mom being able to go to the store fizzled into thin air. Needless to say if you go to my work right now you will be lucky to find milk and even luckier to find toilet paper. (Have I mentioned my mom turned on of her 5 rental properties into our office so we have a fully functional kitchen and two fully functional bathrooms on for stinky boys and one for rose ass smelling girls, also we have a living room and soo on and Brandon has a play room and a full backyard, yeah I know my job rocks). So! To go from having this fully stocked kitchen to barely remembering to have milk was becoming a problem for my mom. One day she went to fix Brandon his Pediasure and realized she was out.

(Is anyone else feeling like this is the longest post ever that is sooo not making a point? Me too but I promise I’m getting there soon, maybe, if I feel like it!)

This happened to be one of the days that she had milk in the shop and she had bananas, (she always has bananas to put in her weirdo protein vitamin shakes) so she decides she is going to create her own Pediasure. She puts milk, Vanilla Quik powder and a banana. Blends it all up and puts it in his cup declaring, LOOK BRANDON A SHAKE! After about two days of this my son came home and rebuffed every cup of milk now declaring SHAKE! SHAKE! SHAKE! If this program had those little smiley faces this is the point where I would stick in one of those extremely angry red faced little guys. This now means that he refuses to drink plain white milk again and will ONLY drink milk with the Goshdamn Quik powder in it. ANGER I TELL YOU!!

NOW!!!!! That I’ve been coming to work more, this has been allowing her to go dick around at the store more meaning our work fridge is now completely stocked. This means that she has been able to kick the fucking shakes up a notch. She now has 3 different flavors of ice cream in the Gosh damn freezer so now when she makes him a shake she is really making a fucking shake. (Bet you thought you were about to get a curse word free post from me, ha good fucking luck with that shit people). Now every day she makes him some flavor of ice cream with some extra Quik powder as a mix in and some fruit. This means that when I offer my son his milk with some regular old Strawberry Quik powder he looks at me like PUULLEEAASE mom you expect me to drink this shit..Pshaw as if. Don’t even get me started on the look he makes when I give him plain milk with nothing but plain milkness. ITs something like, hey mom FUCK YOU, fix this shit right bitch! Sigh!

Ha HA! I’m going to have two boys. As in one more then I have now. Let me tell you about my day with one boy!

4:00 am woke up and ran out to turn on Dora.

4:30 am began spinning in a circle, while shaking his head, and jumping and yelling whoah whoah whoah whoah.

5:00 am Tried to clip his toe nails, he screamed so bad you would think I was killing him

5:30 am sneezed a 3 inch long booger out his nose, wiped it on my shirt

6:00 am began doing head stands on couch that then turned to somersaults off the couch.

6:30 am Opened fridge and tried to climb to top shelf for milk…sat there dangling from 3rd shelf till I came and answered his cries of Helb Helb Helb

7:00 am sneezed another 3 inch booger out his nose and wiped it on his shit and my shirt and his hand

7:01 am wiped booger hand on my pants

8:00 am got on coffee table and started jumping full speed onto floor

8:30 am sneezed three inch booger (seriously where is all this snot coming from) out of his nose, hung his head off couch to watch it dangle, began wiggling head back and forth to make booger move around.

8:31 am got very pissed when mom wiped off the booger and started trying to blow more snot out his nose.

8:32 am could not get enough snot so he wiped what he could get on my bare ankle.

9:00 am got on coffee table and started launching full speed head first at couch while yelling ONE TWO THREE. Then throwing ball while he jumped and yelling OH GOSH OH GOSH.

9:05 am began running screaming in circles yelling ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh in a sound that only dogs can here now.

9:06 am begins running into couch then getting up purposely falling down and shouting uh oh

9:08 am running around while yelling uwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuuwuwuwuwu and making dog scream then running face first into couch.

9:14 am back onto coffee table, jumping on to couch while throwing small objects over couch.

9:15 am living room now resembles small trash bin found at sewing scrap store. Paper, toys, CDS, boxes, dolls, and so on now strewn from end to end in very precise manor.

9:16 am Brandon now standing on arm of couch falling backwards while throwing more things off couch.

9:16 am still now launching off couch while tearing pages out of instruction manual shouting one two three FOUR fie six seben !!!!!! UH OH BABY

9:16 am still mom sitting on other couch frozen unsure what in the fuck to do and repeating two boys can’t be any worse

9:18 am back on the arm of the couch shouting MAMA WATCH MAMA WATCH

9:19 am sits still for a moment seems to be calming down

9:20 am it was all a trick..just refueling launching backwards off couch arm onto couch..smacks mouth on couch arm..pretends not to notice

9:20 am begins making paper mache

9:21 am lays on floor cuddling Elmo

9:22 am discovers elmo balloon all hell breaks lose, rips blanket off couch to get to rest of elmo balloon while shouting ELMO ELMO ELMO ELMO ELMO

9:22 am blanket is now unfolded and strewn about entire living room, elmo balloon still not free of blanket

9:23 am uh oh its stuck UH OH TUCK UH OH TUCK UH OH TUCK BALLOON TUCK BALLOON TUCK

9:24 am picking up all toys trying to make them whistle instead just going fwooooooo (thats the noise his mouth is making as he tries to whistle.

9:25 AM THE NANNY IS HERE PRAISE THE LORD THE NANNY IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!

This is what my son just spent the last 10 minutes screaming. Do you know why???????

BECAUSE I WAS CLIPPING THREE TOE NAILS.

Three!!!! Not even all ten just three. You would have thought I strung him up by his toes and hit him with a broom. But NOOOO I was clipping his dang toe nails. The worst part is if I don’t clip them, they grow so long they start to curl over his toe. Sigh.

Oh yeah and clipping while he’s sleeping NOPE doesn’t work. He just wakes up!

And also, I wasn’t exaggerating IT TOOK TEN MINUTES TO CLIP 3 TOES! Three.. ugg I need a cup of coffee after that catastrophe!

THIS ONE IS ONLY 6 MINUTES TAKE A SECOND TO WATCH IT!
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=253231&server=vimeo.com&fullscreen=1&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=1&color=00ADEF

Brandon’s Birthday Invitation from wilddreemer and Vimeo.