Being me

You all know about my crazy fears. I’m afraid of the dark, the outside, bridges, spiders, bugs, guns, parks…just about everything. However this fear intensified immeasurably the second my children were born. Now this fear is suffocating, it’s like a choke hold on me. A great example of that would be this weekend. We are in San Francisco visiting family. We thought it would be a fun idea to head down to Pier 39 and visit the underwater aquarium, see the sea lions and then have some lunch at Joes Crab Shack.

(We met Nemo & Dori)

This sounds fun, it sounds like a wonderful time. To me it sounds terrifying. I am afraid that while visiting the sea lions at the end of the pier that Brandon will somehow climb the rail and jump over into the ocean. I have visions of seeing him drown or someone not jumping in fast enough to catch him or that he will just sink like a log to the bottom. I’m afraid that his body would never be found. This fear is real. It is also irrational but it grabs a hold of me and won’t let go. Then I am afraid that while we are visiting the underwater aquarium it will shatter and engulf my family into the water and I will have to see my child drown. Oddly enough my biggest fear about bridges is watching my children drown if we somehow drive off the bridge. Hmmm I sense a drowning theme here.

(I was afraid to let him pet the shark. We went to pet the stingrays and Brandon somehow found a penny and threw it in the water, all the employees started freaking out and got on their radios screaming we have a code 87 6er roger doger penny in the ray pool send the infantry..everyone started giving us dirty looks so we ran to the safety of the starfish)

(Creating a sea animal)

The thing is, while these activities seem so fun to me they seem about as appealing as lining up in front of a firing squad. However my strong desire to show my kids a great life overrides my fears and I go along for the fun. I watch as my family has this wonderful time. As my kids laugh and play all the while I am sitting there suffocating in my fear. It wraps around my whole body and makes me tense and feel as though I’ve lost control of the world. Everything seems to spin around me and it feels like at any second the universe is going to come to a halt, however at the same time everything is also in slow motion.

Codi didn’t see much of the trip

I have been this way since the instant my first son was born. Everything is now terrifying for me. A simple trip to the swimming pool takes encouragement and pep talks for me to even get in the car to drive there. I am afraid of going to the lake for fear that Brandon will drown. I’m afraid of the big slides at the park, what if he falls off the top.

I’m afraid of a walk around the neighborhood, what if he is kidnapped. I am afraid no TERRIFIED of day care for the fear that someone will hit/slap/or molest my child. I have a panic attack if any man looks at my kids to long because I just know in my mind he is thinking of doing awful things to him.

(I was having a nervous breakdown at this point)

It isn’t just those fears either. There are fears like how I will ever send my kid to summer camp, or to his grandparents out of town. It scares me to think that someone else will be raising my child even if its just for a week. What if they yell at him or spank him or the counselor is a pervert or they don’t make him feel special enough. Things like the Play place at McDonalds scares me. What if it collapsed and my son fell. I am afraid to go out on someones second story deck because what if we fall off. What if Brandon jumps over. I’m afraid to let him play outside because what if he picks up a black widow or a neighbors dog attacks.

(hello, hello can you hear me, my mom is crazy I tell you)

These fears consume me all day every day. Letting him sleep in his room at night is scary. What if someone breaks into his room and kidnaps him. What if he dies in his sleep and I don’t know until morning. What if he learns to open his bedroom window an the fall from his window kills him.

He’s amazing

There are so many things I fear. One of the things I fear most though is peoples reaction to this. I hate the look on someones face when I ask them for the 5th time if Brandon has a life jacket on. I hate hearing, “Oh Shannon stop it your being stupid,” when I tell them I really don’t want him up on that slide. I hate hearing I’m a party pooper or I’m lame because I’m terrified if he goes 7 feet from the street in my front yard. It is hard being in my head but it is harder when people rush judgment on me rather then try and understand or at least respect how I feel.

Trying to pick a winner

We are home now. We had an amazing weekend. Brandon got to go to the pier. We got to walk down the road and let the Bush Man scare the shit out of him. He got to visit Joes Crab Shack and see the sea lions up close and personal. We got to walk through all the shops and see the carosel and go to the aquarium and walk right beneath the sharks and pet the starfish (he did not get to pet the sting rays because somehow he managed to find a penny and throw it in there and we got in huge trouble, they were all on their walkie talkies calling a code 79er roger doger so we ran). He got to play at the park on the pier and look out into the ocean at all the BIG BOATS! We then drove home over the Bay Bridge and saw it all decorated with Christmas lights. Brandon had an amazing trip. He won’t remember it but I will. I will remember that even though my chest was tight the whole time and I was wishing for a Valium my son was having the best day ever!

My son, he is happy, thats all I ever want, even if it drives me crazy the whole time

Monster Christmas

I pretty much forgot to mention everything Brandon got for Christmas when I got so caught up in everything, Rob, my parents and Ginger got me.

Some of the things he got from my parents:
2 Giant dinosaurs that make noise and stuff and Brandon just loves them
Some clothes
A ton of paint with water paint books
Coloring books
Regular books
An antique dump truck
A cute table and chairs (also antique)
A play mat thingy magigy
A plate and bowl

I think I’m forgetting stuff but there was just so much. Anyway the biggest most super exciting present of all was the one my dad got him. My dad hand picked this out at the hardware store. It is a monster trike. Brandon already has a small trike and this thing puts that one to shame. This trike could roll over the other one. I know, I know I bet your thinking, monster trike, how big could it be. Well just scroll down.

(No that isn’t my son it is the stock picture)

The store actually calls this an ALL TERRAIN TRICYCLE. It is made out of steel and has a 13″ front tire and 10″ rear tires and they are actually rubber. Here is what else they say.
Includes safety reflectors and no-slip traction pedals, front tire guard, ball bearing wheels, hardened steel ”T” frame base and adjustable chrome plated handle bars. Rear tow hitch for pulling wagons or trailers. Adjustable frame for kids ages 3 to 7.

Brandons is way cooler though because my dad put flame stickers on it and got him a honker horn AND A BELL horn. Its so rad. He also hand painted LETS ROLL (pronounced lets wowle) because that is what him and papa say all the time. Its really neat.

Anyway. It was a little too big so my dad spent Christmas day cutting wooden blocks to make the peddles taller. He affixed those to the peddles and then put little leather straps on those so he could put his feet in them and they wouldn’t fall out. It is funny shit to see him riding it. I will take a picture of it as soon as we get back from San Francisco and show you all.

We tricked him into finding it too. They put it in the room with the stockings instead of the room with the tree. He opened all his presents under the tree and he thought he was done and they called him in to open his stocking and there was the monster trike. It was pretty funny because he just assumed it was his and hopped right on and forgot all about his stocking full of more presents.

Brandon had an even better Christmas then all of us put together I think!

Party like its 1999 or something

Sundry Mourning invited us all to participate in this little survey and although she has no clue who I am I AM TOTALLY PARTICIPATING because I heart her!
1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
 Umm became a mom to two kids
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
 well my new years resolution was to be healthy, i lost 34 pounds, got pregnant and gained 45 hmmmm. this year it is to stop being an asshole with money
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
 me and about 1983958billion other friends
4. Did anyone close to you die?
 no thank gosh
5. What countries did you visit?
 my big fat pregnant ass went no where unless you count visiting italy via olive garden then I totally went to Italy
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
 Money, patience, yes that is it MORE PATIENCE
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
 11.16.07 the day my son was born
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
 Successfully parenting two children for 1.5 whole months out of the year
9. What was your biggest failure?
 Not having enough patience with my 2 year old eating too many cookies while pregnant
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
 I was on bed rest during pregnancy for some clotting and bleeding
11. What was the best thing you bought?
 my new suv
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
 ummmm my husband tolerating my super hormonal crazy ass
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
 me i was such a shit to my 2 year old…also i cried a lot
14. Where did most of your money go?
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
 the birth of my son
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
 uhhhhhh i lean like a cholo…no clue why
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?
 happier, hippo status, is that another hole in my sock
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
 bike riding
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
20. How did you spend Christmas?
 with my kids and hubs then parents
21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
 with my new son
22. What was your favorite TV program?
 top chef
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
24. What was the best book you read?
 uhhhh people magazine is a book right
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
 no clue
26. What did you want and get?
 a new cutting board
27. What did you want and not get?
 to lose all the baby weight by dec 31st
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
 all movies were shit this year
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
 i think i turned 26 i dont think i did anything but i dont remember
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
 ummm immeasurably more money
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
 fat hippo maternity clothes, tents, potato sacks, slippers, wide shoes
32. What kept you sane?
 a chocolate drip
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
 jens gonna get pissed when i talk about my undying lust for justin timberlake
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
 politics huh…do i have to watch the news to know about politics
35. Who did you miss?
 the younger thinner shannon
36. Who was the best new person you met?
 all of my husbands new work friends
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007. just to stop and love your children as much as dont have to eat 10 lbs of chocolate a day just because your pregnant
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. i’m bad i’m bad you know it

Maybe they sell them at the bridge store

Occurred earlier today while driving.
Brandon: Mom
Brandon: Mom
Me: Yes Brandon
Brandon: Mom I wanna buy cow
Me: ….
Brandon: Cow mom I wanna buy a cow
Me: you want to buy a cow huh
Brandon: Yes
Me: They don’t sell cows
Brandon: No I wanna buy a cow mama
Me: Ummm okay later
Brandon: No not later, not tonight, not later, cow mama COW I WANNA BUY A COW
Me: ….?

I need a drink..oh wait I don’t drink

I need a good drink to get me through all the cleaning that I have to do after Christmas. Good grief we made one hell of a mess, and putting the new stuff away means putting the old stuff somewhere.
hugging his new easel / desk thingy

Rob being cute & not flipping off the camera

His favorite present of all CHEETOS

Second favorite present of all Bubbles


Painting with his camera

Codi totally enjoying Christmas in his jammies, on the blankie from Jen

Mamas new jammies

Brandons new jammies

Daddies new jammies (he asked me not to post this pic on the blog, he asked me to promise, I told him I couldn’t promise that, so in all fairness dear I DID NOT PROMISE YOU)

Arriving at my moms house, if you biggify this you can see the mass plethora of new Baby Gap clothes for Codi on that little table that was for Brandon.

K now on to the important stuff. Rob got me this amazing new tomato and cheese knife (we use a lot of fresh mozzarella and it is a bitch to cut with out a specialty knife. Plus its a Wusthof so swoon.

One of my new cutting boards, yes I said ONE, my mom and hubs both got me one..I’m spoiled

The new Wusthof knife block Rob got me, until now I had one that said Miracle Blade….we won’t even talk about that. The block came with new kitchen scissors, the fancy kind you can take apart and clean

My new meat pounder/tenderizor from Rob (I don’t want to hear about the sideways picture I’m lazy)

My new mandoline from Rob I can’t wait to slice some potato chips with this bad boy.

Kitchen trinkets from my mom

Closeup on the measuring spoons, those are highly technical cooking terms

My new cookbook from Ginger I’ve tried and tried to create my own cookbooks but they have never been pretty enough or functional, one is handwritten in a notebook and the other is printed on note cards and the third one is printed on white paper in a binder and is awful.

From my mom I also got, a gift card to Williams Sonoma (major score), a huge gift card to Sephora (my hair is so fucking happy I can finally buy some more Philosophy shampoo and conditioner and face wash and ooo the things I can get), a starbucks card, a private sushi cooking class at the little cooking school here, and a private gluten free cooking class, a Lang calender, and a Christmas ornament, and then the cutting bored and cooking tools pictured above. I think I am forgetting stuff but I tried to remember it all.

Between Rob and my mom I got so ridiculously spoiled!
What did you get?

Brilliant things I’ve done this week

  • Filled my sons stocking with goodies, then hung it in plain view of said son
  • Filled stocking with unwrapped loose balloons and thought son would simply not touch them
  • Left extra pack of unwrapped bubbles on counter in plain view so son saw them before Christmas morning
  • Bought Christmas stocking that since songs in Tigger voice with easy to push button to turn it on
  • Decided that making macaroons at 9:30 at night wouldn’t be a problem, and that I would only eat one or two of the chocolate chips I was using to dunk them in.
  • Realized if I didn’t stop eating said chocolate chips I would be screwed because it is to late to go to the store to find more.
  • Listened to that weird Josh Groben guy on Rachael Ray (why would I torture myself, I hate Christmas music)
  • Thought that shooting at my two male cousins with two measly balls in the giant ball pit shooting range wouldn’t make me a target…tell that to my eye, my nose and my head (all got hit dead on by little nerf balls)
  • Thought my son wouldn’t see those marshmallows there on the top shelf of the pantry..I NEED MUSHMELLOWWWW MOMMY
  • Assumed my son wouldn’t poke holes in all his Christmas presents and try and unwrap them
  • Believed that Brandon really wouldn’t touch the ornaments on the tree just because I politely asked him not to
  • Assumed that when I was told I was ordering something that was 2 x 3 it would really be 4 x 5 and not show up to be the most miniature tiny Christmas present I ever saw…now having to reorder gifts and give them a few days late after handing out wee little “sample gift” and telling people they sent me samples to preview for approval!
  • Assumed I could really go Christmas shopping at the mall with out buying more crap for my kids
  • Assumed said crap would actually make it under the tree rather then having me open it and put the new shoes on their feet RIGHT THIS SECOND because dammit all to hell, new Van’s are to damn cute.
  • Assumed that I would get any sort of sleep in the next 5 years!
  • Assumed I would stop eating the fucking chocolate chips by the end of this post!
  • Assumed I wouldn’t wish I could stop typing so I could go get more goddamn chocolate chips