Being me

You all know about my crazy fears. I’m afraid of the dark, the outside, bridges, spiders, bugs, guns, parks…just about everything. However this fear intensified immeasurably the second my children were born. Now this fear is suffocating, it’s like a choke hold on me. A great example of that would be this weekend. We are in San Francisco visiting family. We thought it would be a fun idea to head down to Pier 39 and visit the underwater aquarium, see the sea lions and then have some lunch at Joes Crab Shack.

(We met Nemo & Dori)

This sounds fun, it sounds like a wonderful time. To me it sounds terrifying. I am afraid that while visiting the sea lions at the end of the pier that Brandon will somehow climb the rail and jump over into the ocean. I have visions of seeing him drown or someone not jumping in fast enough to catch him or that he will just sink like a log to the bottom. I’m afraid that his body would never be found. This fear is real. It is also irrational but it grabs a hold of me and won’t let go. Then I am afraid that while we are visiting the underwater aquarium it will shatter and engulf my family into the water and I will have to see my child drown. Oddly enough my biggest fear about bridges is watching my children drown if we somehow drive off the bridge. Hmmm I sense a drowning theme here.

(I was afraid to let him pet the shark. We went to pet the stingrays and Brandon somehow found a penny and threw it in the water, all the employees started freaking out and got on their radios screaming we have a code 87 6er roger doger penny in the ray pool send the infantry..everyone started giving us dirty looks so we ran to the safety of the starfish)

(Creating a sea animal)

The thing is, while these activities seem so fun to me they seem about as appealing as lining up in front of a firing squad. However my strong desire to show my kids a great life overrides my fears and I go along for the fun. I watch as my family has this wonderful time. As my kids laugh and play all the while I am sitting there suffocating in my fear. It wraps around my whole body and makes me tense and feel as though I’ve lost control of the world. Everything seems to spin around me and it feels like at any second the universe is going to come to a halt, however at the same time everything is also in slow motion.

Codi didn’t see much of the trip

I have been this way since the instant my first son was born. Everything is now terrifying for me. A simple trip to the swimming pool takes encouragement and pep talks for me to even get in the car to drive there. I am afraid of going to the lake for fear that Brandon will drown. I’m afraid of the big slides at the park, what if he falls off the top.

I’m afraid of a walk around the neighborhood, what if he is kidnapped. I am afraid no TERRIFIED of day care for the fear that someone will hit/slap/or molest my child. I have a panic attack if any man looks at my kids to long because I just know in my mind he is thinking of doing awful things to him.

(I was having a nervous breakdown at this point)

It isn’t just those fears either. There are fears like how I will ever send my kid to summer camp, or to his grandparents out of town. It scares me to think that someone else will be raising my child even if its just for a week. What if they yell at him or spank him or the counselor is a pervert or they don’t make him feel special enough. Things like the Play place at McDonalds scares me. What if it collapsed and my son fell. I am afraid to go out on someones second story deck because what if we fall off. What if Brandon jumps over. I’m afraid to let him play outside because what if he picks up a black widow or a neighbors dog attacks.

(hello, hello can you hear me, my mom is crazy I tell you)

These fears consume me all day every day. Letting him sleep in his room at night is scary. What if someone breaks into his room and kidnaps him. What if he dies in his sleep and I don’t know until morning. What if he learns to open his bedroom window an the fall from his window kills him.

He’s amazing

There are so many things I fear. One of the things I fear most though is peoples reaction to this. I hate the look on someones face when I ask them for the 5th time if Brandon has a life jacket on. I hate hearing, “Oh Shannon stop it your being stupid,” when I tell them I really don’t want him up on that slide. I hate hearing I’m a party pooper or I’m lame because I’m terrified if he goes 7 feet from the street in my front yard. It is hard being in my head but it is harder when people rush judgment on me rather then try and understand or at least respect how I feel.

Trying to pick a winner

We are home now. We had an amazing weekend. Brandon got to go to the pier. We got to walk down the road and let the Bush Man scare the shit out of him. He got to visit Joes Crab Shack and see the sea lions up close and personal. We got to walk through all the shops and see the carosel and go to the aquarium and walk right beneath the sharks and pet the starfish (he did not get to pet the sting rays because somehow he managed to find a penny and throw it in there and we got in huge trouble, they were all on their walkie talkies calling a code 79er roger doger so we ran). He got to play at the park on the pier and look out into the ocean at all the BIG BOATS! We then drove home over the Bay Bridge and saw it all decorated with Christmas lights. Brandon had an amazing trip. He won’t remember it but I will. I will remember that even though my chest was tight the whole time and I was wishing for a Valium my son was having the best day ever!

My son, he is happy, thats all I ever want, even if it drives me crazy the whole time

12 thoughts on “Being me

  1. No one can judge you because everyone has different fears and everyone responds to those fears differently…add having children on to the top of that and well I see no judgement. It\’s not like you put Brandon in a locked padded room where he can\’t get hurt…even though you still fear all these things, you allow Brandon the chance to experience them. Look at the wonderful weekend you gave Brandon. It looks like you guys had an awesome time and the pictures of Brandon and Rob together and up close are so adorable. I love them!! I also love the one where you caught him in the puddle and the water is still splashing up…way cool one!


  2. s~i hear you sister.i feel so much safer when my boyz 8/6 are sleeping on the fouton in our room.i can sit for HOURS catastroehing.yay for my meds or i would be in the fucking loony bin.erika


  3. I think you are amazing for admitting those fears. I think every mother has them. My sister thinks I am off my rocker for even suggesting the fact that the first night they sleep all the way through you wonder if they are laying in their crib dead. You are correct, she has no children.We all have different ways of thinking/processing/dealing with things like that. Personally I feel much better knowing that someone else has the same fears I do. I know I limit my life because of my fears, but I don\’t want to pass them onto Little Man.You are a perfectly sane, normal mother having normal thoughts/fears. I say that as much for you as I do myself! :-)Glad he had fun, you take some great pics!


  4. I totally understand ALL of those fears! It can be crippling! Just wait till you go to Disneyland or someplace like that. Or even worse, when Codi is mobile too HOLY Craziness batman!!!! Cause for sure they are gonna wanna go in 2 different directions! 😦 We let my kids go to the beach with my parents for the first time this year and that was SO HARD! They are 5 & 4. Hang in there, you\’re a GREAT momma!Oh and I L O V E the puddle picture!!!


  5. I have those same irrational fears. I usually can talk myself out of them, but I feel the panic welling up often. Crowds are the worst for me—when we are in a movie theater, for instance, I have to talk myself down pretty much the whole are a great mama.xox-steph


  6. The pictures of your day do not show your fears at all. You took the first step to facing them but allowing your family to enjoy this day. I think the word \”mother\” is synonymous with \”sacrafice\”…I\’m sure there is nothing you wouldn\’t do for your family so that makes you an excellent mom…fear or no fears!You know I had to google dreams of drowning…so here\’s what I found: To see someone drowning in your dream, suggests that you are becoming too deeply involved in something that is beyond your control. Alternatively, it represents a sense of loss in your own identity. You are unable to differentiate who you are anymore.This makes sense because you changed the day you became a mother. Your dream is not there to scare you but to remind you how these beautiful babies changed your life.


  7. I have a lot of the same fears. You are doing a great job pushing yourself, I think that is the only way you will overcome some of the irrational ones is to face them.


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