Read this whole thing with a snobby British accent

Hi. You know that scene in A Christmas Story when Ralphy is turning in his paper and he starts visioning the teachers reaction. She is so happy and jumping around declaring it the best thing ever? That is basically how a lot of what goes on in my head is. You see I’ll be sitting at my desk or in bed or changing a diaper or sitting on the think tank when suddenly an idea for a post will come to me. It will be hilarious. I’ll giggle to my self and say in my snobby British accent ah ha ha ha that is mauuuuvaless. I’ll write half of it in my head, pausing at the parts I know you will all laugh at. I’ll giggle and wonder to myself why in the hell I’m not famous for this blog shit yet. I’ll anticipate the enormous amount of comments I am going to get. Then I’ll wipe, flush and walk away and poof. ITS GONE. It’s at this time that you get blogs like this. Total and utter trash. It’s like I’mt sitting here wondering how in the fuck you guys even read me when I’m typing about fucking wiping?

Tonight after dinner the husband and I were unloading the dishwasher together. I put one of the plates away and a tiny chip went flying. I picked it up off the floor and apparently threw it in the sink. Why? I dunno, your guess is as good as mine. Thats not the funny part though. The funny part is just seconds later, SECONDS PEOPLE my husband said, “babe did you just throw that on the floor?” I was like NO! He’s like “where did you put it?” I was like in the trash duh. He looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind and said, “the trash huh, you put it in the trash?” I thought about it, looked on the floor to be sure and then said yup! He just stared at me. I didn’t get it. Then I turned looked in the sink and said, “hmm guess I threw it in the sink.” More staring. Then he was “like seriously you thought you threw it in the trash?” I was like yeah guess I forgot? Ya’ll I thought he was going to pass out from sheer confusion right then and there. Yeah, in a matter of about 4 seconds I actually forgot that I threw the plate chip in the sink. In fact, I think I actually didn’t forget I just plain didn’t know I did it. 20 minutes later he was still shaking his head at me, totally stunned. I guess I’ve confirmed what he already knew, his wife has totally lost her damn marbles.

You know, I think 10 years from now when I’m nice and thin I will be able to thank my kids. Know why? Because right now I don’t have anything naughty to eat in my house. And if it wasn’t for the fact that I really don’t want to wake up, dress and load up two kids, put them in the car, get them out of the car, drag them in the store and then back home you can bet my ass would be out the door so fast to go and grab a jar of hot fudge sauce and a jumbo spoon. If I didn’t have kids the oly thing that would slow me down would be waiting for the microwave to ding letting me know my fudge was now warm. This also mean that when my kids are older I’ll be able to ask them if they know how many fudge dunked spoons I gave up for their well being and precious sleep.

I’m watching a commercial for some new show where kids and their dads compete in Fear Factor like competitions. Let me just say if that was kids and moms, me and my kids would be broke fools! Pick up a scorpion for a million bucks, no thanks I’m sure we will all be able to live comfortably in a nice cardboard box. Shove my hands in a bucket of spiders? Ehh I don’t mind eating Spam for eternity. How about you, would you be able to win Fear Factor? Would you eat 5 pounds of horse intestine for a million? Actually what would you do for a million dollars?

Did you know I have to put my socks on before my pants? This poses quite the problem when I wake up warm and decide to forgo socks then later decide I want them. I am faced with a choice. Do I actually take my pants off, put socks on and then put pants back on? Or do I just put the damn socks on and spend hours feeling annoyed that I didn’t do it right? Usually I just change my whole outfit so then I feel justified putting the damn socks on.

Okay well I have to pee. That means I’ll be thinking in my snotty British accent. Last chance for questions. Next post is 1000. Remember you can ask me anything. You can ask about my first kiss, my favorite this or that, things I did in school. Go ahead ask me anything. I dare you to make me laugh or blush!

16 thoughts on “Read this whole thing with a snobby British accent

  1. Your blog makes me smile everytime I go onto it..seriously. and I never would have thought I would be so interested about a stranger sitting on the can, but i am. :)How long have you been writing? Do you write other things besides your blog?


  2. I can\’t think of anything embarrasing (that I myself would answer) to ask you, so I\’m stuck. I guess the best I can do is to ask (since you posted about it yesterday) is what book could you read again and again without getting sick of it?


  3. Oh babe, you\’re famous for sure. A question to make you blush? I don\’t think I could. But, tell us your worst OMG Aunt Flo is here and I\’m unprepared moment. You know you have one.


  4. Okay you had me thinking all morning about getting dressed and I have a question for you – What do you do when you want to wear flip flops? Do you not wear pants that day? B/c I totally put my socks on very last and I usually don\’t even wear socks unless I have to wear shoes that make my feet icky. And I think about blogging in my car and try to write and drive at the same time.


  5. bwaaaahahahaaa. i love that you have to change your pants to put on socks. that is so weird :-)ps – i would totally eat horse intestine for $1M. i\’ve eaten pig intestine for ZERO (which was horrible, by the way, literally smelled like poo still) but hell, now i can eat anything, right?


  6. It sounds like you have a healthy, happy marriage. And as history shows, all marriages have their ups and downs… My question is this: What is the hardest time you have had in your marriage? What got you there? What was your darkest hour? And what got you out of it?


  7. Here\’s a question for you? What is the best way to get the seeds out of an eggplant? my sister gave me a low fat recipe for eggplant parmigana it\’s delicious except the seeds gave it a weird taste she likes it, me I\’d rather get the seeds out.


  8. i think we love you cause even if you\’re wiping you\’re talking about it. You\’re uncensored! I got asked this question so I\”ll pass it on to you…\”what do you think you were most notorious for in high moment everyone will remember\”i didnt know how to answer..but give it a go.


  9. lmao!!! you are so funny!! I totally relate to everything you just said (except the socks thing, im not as OCD as you 😉 ) I totally plan out my blogs in my head and then forget them…but trust me what you end up writing is not trash because i laugh my way through each one of your posts!! I am totally lazy when it comes to getting the baby all ready and in the car to go get food.. I used to go out and buy ben & jerry\’s chunky monkey ALL THE TIME..and go get fast food and all this other crap, and the only reason i dont do it now is that im too damn lazy. which i also am thankful for!! okay for the embarrassing question… you fake orgasms with your husband? how often?i used to find that it was easier to fake than wait for him to actually make it happen. is that crazy?


  10. no more talking about wiping….even though—I totally know what you mean about thinking up a maaaaahvelous post & then totally losing it before you get to the computer…Or, then one day, like 5 will hit you, but if you post them all in the same day, you know that a couple of them won\’t get read, and then they just seem like a waste…yeah, I get ya gal.


  11. I do THE SAME EXACT THING with half-writing blog material in my head (usually when I should be SLEEPING) and then totally forgetting it when I sit down to write. Why is it that once you start a blog everything in your life becomes somehow blog-worthy and you start thinking about how you can write about every experience…?? Or is that just US?Ok AND I totally second you on the thanking our kids for making it so difficult to go anywhere to eat bad food. If it wasn\’t for Cole I would be drinking mimosas and eating eggs benedict right now..


  12. Oh and that is weird about your socks!AND: After watching some of those Fear Factors and even some ROAD RULES challenges I can safely say there isn\’t MUCH that I would do for a million dollars… Unless it involved something FUN- like sleeping with Prince William or something 🙂


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