Continuing on

About this time I moved out into my own house. Almost immediately after moving out my boyfriend Eli moved in with me. Eli loved to drink and so did I. Needless to say we spent a lot of time drinking with his friends. Since we were both drinking and partying my habits didn’t stand out to anyone and it was again easy to hide. Alas Eli and I didn’t work out and he moved out. I found myself alone. This was so new to me. Being alone made drinking so much easier, especially since I had the worlds best fake ID ever. I would go out drinking with my cousin and then come home and pass out. I would wake up feeling like shit and have a morning drink to take off the edge. It was starting to take a lot more for me to get a buzz which is why we always looked for ladies drink for free clubs. That way I could get way wasted all for free. However being alone gave me a lot of times to come head on with the things I had always dealt with. One of them being depression.

This part is still the most frustrating parts to me. I hate when people think you need a reason to be depressed. Or when they think, this girl had everything, was pretty and nice and got the things she wanted, what does she have to be depressed about. Depression, often is purely mental. Thats the form I had. The kind of depression where you wake up one day and the world is too much to bear. You feel like your sitting in a black room and can’t see anything but the blackness closing in on you. You can’t manage simple thoughts or tasks and you don’t know how or why this is happening again. The hardest part was being able to know that what I was feeling wasn’t right but not be able to change it. I stopped talking about this or reaching out because so often I heard, “You have nothing to be depressed about, your life is perfect, you just want attention.” When these times came I drank even more. I would find reasons to make myself sadder and just drink and drink and drink alone. I can’t count how many times my friends would come over and find me with a jumbo glass of alcohol and I would lie telling them it was my first one. At the same time I can’t count how many phone calls my cousin Lisa got from me drunken, rambling, crying or yelling making no sense at all. She would just listen to me and let me ramble.

Anyway four months after Eli moved out my grandma died. This was and still is the hardest thing I have endured in my life to date. I can’t think of her with out crying and I think about her a lot. It was April 23rd which also happens to be my then “best friends” birthday. To give you an idea of what kind of people I had in my life at the time that friend told me I had to go out for her birthday. Rather then just be there for me and comfort me, or even let me stay at home to grieve she guilted me into going out with her. Telling me she would never forgive me if I blew off her birthday. So I went. I got to our destination first and I got drunk before they even got there. I was really drunk, and it was amplified by my sadness. I spent the entire night crying and when I finally made it home I cried even more. After that I think I kind of went off the deep end. I spent so many nights just crying in my kitchen. I stopped going anywhere and for about 9 months I didn’t see anyone or date anyone. My friends would come over and try and get me to leave but I didn’t want to. I would go to work and just go home and collapse in my sadness. I started walking at night in the dark and leaving my house unlocked and generally not really caring what could happen to me.

Keeping friends like I had at that time didn’t help. I was friends with a group of drunken college guys and an equally manic depressive maniac like me if not crazier. We were feeding off each other. We were getting drunk and going out walking and depressing each other. I just got worse and worse and worse.

Finally after about 9 months I started dating a friend and while that was happening I met Rob. Things with he and I were, intense from the start to say the least. Alcohol was involved from the start. In fact the first time we went out of town together and I realized I would be alone with him and stuck in a car I freaked out. When we stopped at a gas station to fill up before leaving town and I ran in and bought about 4 mini bottles of liquor. I picked nonsense fights and pushed him as hard as I could. I pushed and pushed and pushed and he just stood strong. I remember the first night I went to the dark place in my head. We were hanging out at his apartment laying in bed and nothing really triggered it but away I went. I was lost in the dark place. He had no idea what happened. He had seem me be a jerk but he’d never seen me basically disappear. Then the strange thing happened. He handled it. He stuck by me and just let me go there and was cool while I was there and basically just waited for me to come back. At that moment I knew he was the one. He may not have known yet but I did. 6 years later and he can tell ahead of time when I’m going there.

Years went by and I would go in and out of my dark place. A few times my doctor would try and put me on medicine and I would try (I will address this later in my 1000 post because Shawna asked me) but I always went off. I knew that no matter what this was something I had to deal with on my own. I also knew that I wanted kids and I didn’t want to go on a chemical crash while I was pregnant. I started being excited to go to bed because that meant I could wake up and have a bloody mary. And then I got pregnant. Surprisingly I made it though the entire pregnancy without fading away. But after I found my way back to the bad side. I spent the entire pregnancy being mad that I couldn’t have bloody marys. I remember being so happy when I could finally have one. Even though I had Brandon I would still drink. I never drank alone with him because I still had to be a mom. I also rarely got to get drunk because I was nursing. But something about even having one drink made me happy. It made me okay knowing I could have at least one. I realized there was a problem when my one glass started getting bigger and bigger and I was just drinking alcohol on the rocks no mixers.

The final breaking point was when my parents had Brandon on forth of July and rob and his friends wanted to go somewhere. I was way drunk and I lied and said it was okay to drive. We drove around the block and came home (that was where they wanted to go, around the block). Immediately I felt regret. Not only had I just driven but I had driven with Rob in the car. If I wrecked Brandon would have lost both his parents. The next day I went to the Verdi picnic with my grandma. I had an Amaretto on the rocks and that was the last drink I ever had. I stopped. I realized that in order to be the best mom I could I could never drink again.

However. While I’ve never taken another drink, not even eating candy with liquor or deserts with wine or liquor for accents I will never stop having depression. That imbalance in my mind is always there daunting me. I’ve gone there a few times since Brandon was born. Once Rob found me curled up in a corner in our room crying for no reason. Since Codi has been born it’s been a huge struggle not to go there. I’m halfway there. I feel as though I have one foot in and one foot out. The constant struggle of parenting two kids and hoping I’m parenting them equally weighs so heavy on me. The struggle to do right by these kids. To not let my faults bring them down is so hard. Knowing that there are times when I snap at Brandon and I’m aware I’m doing it but I can’t stop because my mind won’t let me. After those times I seems to fall the fastest. I fall closer and closer to going black. I’m trying the hardest not to this time because I know that I won’t be able to spread myself thin enough to still parent both kids efficiently while I’m lost in my own bad place. I can only expect my husband to pick up so much of my slack before my kids resent me.

I talk about all of this, not to put the people in my life down. Not to place blame. Because no one has ever been to blame for this but me. I am the one who chose to drink. I’m the one who chose to be bulimic and do all of the other things I have done. I made the choices. When I say that no one knew what was happening I say it to help people understand that even with out medicine it is very possible to hide your crazy. To cope with it just enough to hide it. To seem functional to the outside world. You know how they talk about functioning drug addicts, well I’m a functioning “crazy.” I wanted to write this so people understand why I some times seem extreme, or like I’m over thinking things. Why I’m afraid to be alone and terrified of the dark now. I want people to know that it’s okay to have these feelings. It’s even more okay to verbalize them. It’s okay to be depressed with no reason other then you woke up that morning and felt different. I also hope everyone knows that I am very loved. I am surrounded by great people and its probably those people that have kept me from drowning in my darkness every time. I weeded out the bad, like the friend whose birthday was more important then the saddest day of my life. I’ve weeded out the people who couldn’t understand that I can’t ever drink again. I can’t ever have one drink. I can’t taste it. I’ve weeded out all the people who make life hard to cope and I’ve tried to surround myself with only good people. I really hope that when my kids grow up they see a functioning mom. They see someone who loves them unconditionally. And I hope that even if I have to go outside and shout at the moon to prevent myself from shouting at my kids, I’m able to do it. Or, maybe I’ll just come shout here instead. The good thing is now that you all know about this, I can come here and vent. I can come here and say, I’m there, I’m in the dark place, and you will all know what I mean. It will be kind of like cheers, where everybody knows my name, and you’ll always be glad I came, no matter what kind of shit I’m spewing here.

BIG CHANGES ARE COMING

So I finally gave in and got one of those web host dealies. Then I made massive threats and forced kindly asked my [url=http://www.pyropoptrt.com]computer nerd friend (I have permission to call him this, even though I totally think he is cool enough to be promoted to computer geek even if he doesn’t think so)[/url] to build me a site. And even though I can be the most difficult indecisive sweetest angel on the planet he agreed. Soooo in the next two weeks (read week and a half because Lee like 4 days has already passed) I will be debuting my very own brand new site. He promises me that if you use my old (current) link it will route you to my new fancy page (If it doesn’t I’m going to send him lots of red mad smileys on yahoo) but alas I have faith. My new page is going to have those tabby thingies on top and those flikrmabobs and fancy links and lots of snap crackle and pop!
Anyway like I said this site will reroute you but you may want to change the link after the site is complete. When the full change is made I will be located at misguidedmommy.com. Can’t wait to show you all the new site! Like I said it should be up in about a week and a half (if his cat doesn’t delete it all or something.)
Don’t forget to stop by and check out my account manager, aka [url=http://www.pyropoptrt.com]Lee the graphic designer guy’s website[/url]. He is super talented and for a small fee will for sure hook up your site (just as soon as he is done with mine of course).
[url]http://www.pyropoptrt.com/portfolio[/url]

Lightening Up

So my parents came by tonight to bring by Codi’s new little chair that I forgot at work.

I like my chair

So before my parents left, apparantly papa gave Brandon a Kit Kat. I tried to take it away and he broke down into the saddest tears I’ve ever seen so I said fine, because Papa gave it to you, you can have it.

He was sooooo happy to have it all he wanted to do was have me take pictures of his chogglet.

Codi was still kicking it in his chair

Look toys

Brandon smile…no I meant with out a mouth full of chocolate

No clue what this face is

I feel a big smile coming on

I LOVE MY CHAIR!!!!!!!

So he ate his Kit Kat and then he asked me to go lay with him. I laid down got all comfy and he did this. Dude I thought we were going to read books and watch Franklin.

So I hung out in there and finished Franklin so I could find out what happened with the fossil and he stayed like this.

Anyway he doesn’t fight with me as much about brushing his teeth while he is sleeping. The cutest part was how he was opening his mouth and making the motions we do while brushing, but he was totally passed out.

So there that is

Like a very wise blogger once told me, don’t let the ones you actually know in real life know about your blog unless your ready to be censored. Now a lot of my every day friends and family know about my blog and because of that there is a lot I can’t write about. And I mean A LOT. Not because they don’t know, but because it involves them and my family has a tendency to not want the things they said to be repeated for fear they will look bad. My take on that has always been, if you think it will make you look bad if it’s repeated then maybe you shouldn’t say it. Back to the actual point of this blog, that is going to be long, and probably I won’t finish until much later after I get off work tonight. This week I had one of those days. You know the days that push you to the extent of your sanity. Not in a funny ha ha way, but in a way that made me actually want to come home and take a drink for the first time since July of 2006. Yes thats right, since I quit drinking I have never once looked back. Until yesterday. Yesterday I didn’t just want a drink, I wanted to open my fridge take out the ice cold bottle and drink it until I was puking drunk. Instead I at a sandwich with calorie laden mayo and called it even. Why? Because I have kids. Because I was an alcoholic. And because I never ever ever want my kids to see me as anything less but the best mom I can be. So that is what todays blog is going to be about. The fact that for almost 8 years I had a full blown alcohol problem and not one single person close to me ever knew. Along with the fact that I don’t even want to know how much hell I’m going to catch for writing this post.

I’ve always had mental issues. From a pretty young age I realized I had been blessed with “the crazy”. I also realized that medications weren’t for me**. I was okay with all of this until I was about 17. Around this time I had gone through the normal high school relationship bullshit, but at the same time there was so much other stuff going on. I was surrounded by people who never wanted to hear what I had to say, instead they wanted to tell me. I wasn’t being allowed to choose my own destiny I was slowly being told what it would be. I had went away to a church camp and after being given a date rape drug a guy had sex with me when I didn’t even know it was happening. I didn’t talk about this for years because I knew that in the world I lived in, I would be blamed. I was right about that too. When I finally admitted it I was blamed. I was having serious body image issues and I never felt like I was small enough or thin enough. I was taking diet pills and puking and working out all at the same time. No one was seeing this (ginger and lisa knew about the puking but they didn’t say anything because i asked them not to). At this point I was kind of at a loss so I started to drink. I didn’t just drink socially I drank all day long. When I got to school I would grab a bottle of vodka and pour out 2/3 of a Snapple and refill it with vodka. Off I would go to class. Studying was easier, listening was easier and everything was easier. At my first break I usually switched from Snapple to a soda with flavored vodka in it. I almost got caught once when a teacher out of the blue opened a snapple bottle and sniffed it out of the trash, but she couldn’t place whose it was. At lunch I would have something else and then I would try and stop before school was done and I had to drive to work. At night I was almost always drunk. I have insomnia and when your up all night drinking is a good way to pass the time. I tried taking prescription sleep aids and nothing helped. On the nights I really needed some sleep I would take two 10mg Ambian, drink a half bottle of Nyquil and take a shot of Jaegermeister and that would provide me with a few hours of restless sleep. I thought that maybe if I joined the Sexual Assault Support Services and helped others like me who weren’t to afraid to speak out that it would help relieve some of my anger. Instead I was made to feel bad for helping them and not one single person respected the hours I put in with them. It was as though I couldn’t win.

I started this a few days ago and its a lot of memories to bring up. So I’m going to stop here and I’ll write more tonight. Please know there is about five more years worth of stuff for me to write about so I may not finish it all tonight but I’ll post as I go. Also keep in mind when I say that people didn’t notice this or blame me for stuff that I am surrounded by a lot of people in my everyday life and I am not singling out any on person or placing blame, in the end the things I did we my fault only!

** I think medicine is fabulous, and I respect anyone who takes it, I think I just realized my environment would never change and I needed to learn to deal with that on my own since medicine wasn’t going to make the difficult things in life go away. So that being said, please don’t think I’m some anti medicine person because really, I’m a huge advocate of people who are brave enough to step up and realize they have a problem and its better to handle the problem then to continue to lash out at those who support you. Because you’re too embarrassed to admit maybe your a little crazy in the head.

It’s cold outside


Wheres Codi?


“I’m right here mom, get me the hell out of this thing”


He asked to take a picture. I said okay and he ran and hid and said, “no pitture under here.” He’s strange.


Check out the red nose and cheeks. It was coooold outside.

Know how to tell its snowing in Reno? Everyone goes flying around corners fishtailing all over the place. Know how to tell a California driver in the snow? They drive 3 miles an hour when there is only a dusting of snow. They do this with both hands on the wheel and knuckles so white I can see them through their window. Know how else to tell it’s snowing in Reno? Everyone but me drives like a complete fucking moron!!!!!!

The token check up post


Had two month doctor visit. Codi is 12.3 lbs and 22.5 inches tall. Thats a five pound weight gain since birth and a 3 inch height gain. His jaundice is all gone and his blood work was great. He absolutely hated everything about the doctors office though. He totally tensed up and started screaming and basically sent himself into shock just over the stethoscope. When he got his shots I was actually shocked he didn’t stand up and kick the nurse in the head he was so pissed. Unlike Brandon he didn’t just pass out after. Nope he sat there in my arms sniffling and giving me awful looks for doing that to him. It was so sad. He got mad at the paper under him on the table, mad if the doctor looked at him, and basically he was mad if anyone even breathed his direction. Can’t wait for his next appointment! It’s funny because Brandon didn’t mind the doctor. He smiled at him and flirted with the nurses. It wasn’t until he was 2 that he figured out he hated the doctor. Codi on the other hand is having none of this going to the doctor shit!

Back when

I’m coming up on my 1,000 post. I had been thinking of something cool to do and then I was reading Cakerwakers blog. It made me go back and look at my old posts and comments. Want to see the first comment I ever received way back June of 06 when I started blogging?

My Wedding Memoirs said…

Just want to let you know if you want to compile your wedding photos into a nice video montage for free, just drop by My Wedding Memoirs to take a look!

Nice huh? My first comment was a fucking solicitation. I kept reading through. My first readers were Emery and her mom Momar (whom I think disowned me due to my extreme profanity). Then I found a third reader. Her name was sweet pea. I was shocked when I clicked it open and discovered that sweet pea is now Patty Just an NYC Girl. I was shocked. I had no clue Patty has been reading me for nearly 2.5 years now. I found a comment from a friend I met playing gin online. She was supposed to start a blog but never did. Then I noticed Cheatwoods on there. She used to read me pretty often. I think I’m also to profane for her tastes. I’ve had a lot of people comment once and never come back. I’ve had a few people tell me I suck. I like those comments, lets me know there are still real people out there. I’ve followed along with Kim who was one of my first commenter’s. I’ve found amazing blogs but then somehow lost the links. I hate when I do that crap. I’ve had fun.

Cakerwakers asked why people blog. I think I do it mostly for me. It’s nice to have somewhere to write the endless commentary in my head. Before this blog I had been known to call one of my friends and let em know that my pee was hot or how I won’t pee with a wet butt. But now I just come here and write it so I don’t say shit like that out loud in front of people I want to respect me. Fuck I write some quality shit on here huh? I wonder how many posts I’ve written that mention poop (one of my favorites)? 41 times thats how many. How on earth can one person think of 41 things to say about poop? I’ve pissed people off and made people happy, but mostly I’ve just blabbered a lot. I’ve asked questions that almost always go unanswered. Tried to take surveys and issued challenges that no one ever takes. I’ve started other blogs, like this and this. I even wrote out my love story, but I keep that private now, because you know, family reads this and all.

I’ve admitted that I was a terrible cheating girlfriend before I met my husband. I’ve talked about a lot of things I shouldn’t have and yet I’ve never felt better for talking about them. I like this blogging thing. I hope to continue it for a while. So, in an effort not to bore you with the same ole thing I’m asking you to submit topics and or questions to me. If you have a question for me please leave it in a comment or email me at wilddreemer at yahoo dot com. This time, lets not all wuss out and not ask a question. I expect to see some kind of question from all of you regular blogger buddies of mine out there and a whole bunch more from my lurkers (I know your there, my Google analytics tell me so). So submit a question, or two, or five and I will answer them little by little leading up to my 1,000 post. The best question/s will be saved for that post! Lemme have it people! Ask me anything, nothing is off limits.

Off to cuddle my little baby now, adios fuckers.

WHEN YOU CAN SMELL IT…THATS BAD

Sigh.

This is one of those times I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry. It all started at Starbucks when I had to pick up

  • A Triple Vente 7 pump sugar free Hazlenut nonfat nuclear hot latte (for dad)
  • A Grande Caramel frappaccino, WITH caramel sauce and extra syrup BLENDED in but yes I still want the caramel sauce on top to please (for husband)
  • A grande double chocolatey chip frappaccino (for cousin)
  • A Tall Mocha light frappaccino (for me)
  • A vanilla horizon milk (for Brandon)

It is at the point that they hand me the chocolatey chip frappaccino that I begin hearing “mama chogglet chips chogglet chips I hab dat I hab dat.” So okay fine. I order him a teeny chocolatey chip frappaccino (there are no coffee in these). He is drinking this and then realizes he can poke his tiny finger inside the lid and scoop out whip cream. I sternly tell him NO FINGERS IN THE WHIP CREAM! We make it home and come inside for a bit and then go back to the car to run and grab a bite to eat. He is in the back seat saying, “no pingers jus dring it, no pingers!” I think awwwww how cute. Then I smell chocolate. I’m not sure if you remember the last time I smelled chocolate..but I knew this couldn’t be good. I turn around and his hands seem pretty clean so I ignore it and think maybe it is melting in the cup. Then I turn back around and realize…


H e just had a bath last night. There is no way in hell his hair looked like that when we left the house. Then he says “MAMA I COMB IT!” Yup. He was taking frappaccino out of the cup and “gelling” his hair with it. At first I was mad. But then I looked at him sitting there like nothing had happened and I had to laugh. I grab some food and he starts asking for chiggen. CHIGGEN CHIGGEN CHIGGEN. So I ask if he really wants it and he says no. Then he asks for a fry so I give it to him.

SMACK!

He threw the fry at my head and shouted NO PRENCH PRY! So I ask, does he want chicken, NO, does he want macaroni, NO RONI CHEESE, does he want soup, NO SOUP. Fine. Whatever. We get home, walk in the door and he says, “mama wheres my chiggen, I wanta it chiggen.” Grrrrrrrr. So I ask, what about chicken Elmo noodle soup. YES. Okay. So we sit at the table he’s happily eating his soup and even eating the noodles with his spoon and I give him a fry and he eats some of that. Then he says, “mama where my noonles go?” He then starts fishing for “noonles” with his hands. Fine whatever as long as he is eating right?

Right?

Oh

So

Wrong


“LOOK MAMA NOONLES I FIND IT, I FIND IT NOONLES”







Lets see if I can balance it like a doggy


Success!

So finally he starts making to big of a mess and I tell him to stop. He grabs some napkins and starts soaking up soup. I ask him for the napkins. Thinking he’s in trouble he chucks the soup soaked napkins on my Pergo SPLAT!

Sigh.

Okay Brandon lets go to time out in your room for a bit. I start walking there with him when he plants his feet in the ground and refuses to budge. So I start sliding him (he’s in socks on the Pergo) across the floor to his room. He starts giggling. I put him in his room turn around and walk about 4 steps when I hear…giggle giggle he he behind me. Oh okay so apparently since I slid him there he thought this was some kind of game. He wanted to play and wouldn’t stop giggling.

At this point I give up! Does anyone know of a circus in need of a clown?

Giving thanks

If you are wondering why my masthead is, well a masthead, and also FUCKING AWESOME it is because my friend Lee at PyroPopTrt Designs totally hooked me up! He fixed that shit up in less then an hour and the best part is he totally handles my craziness like a pro. Also, if you tell him to fix the doohickey and stick it over there by the thingy, yeah he totally gets it. Anyway look him up here and check out his stuff. Hit him up if your lucky he might fix some shit for you just as long as it isn’t better then mine, which ISN’T POSSIBLE BECAUSE..DUH LOOK AT IT! He offers these services plus more at a very affordable rate.
http://www.pyropoptrt.com
or email him at
design@pyropoptrt.com

Anyway what I was really trying to say is
THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH LEE I HEART MY PAGE NOW!