A couple things I forgot

Yesterday after Brandon got his presents he was playing with his remote control tarantula outside. Somehow he turned it around so it chased him and ran into his foot. He totally flipped out and started screaming. He went to run but the spider kept chasing him because he wouldn’t take his finger off the button. That was funny. However.
Later while in the house Rob wanted to play with the remote to the spider and Brandon wouldn’t let him. Finally Rob asked Brandon to turn on the TV to distract him. However when Brandon walked to the TV Rob turned the spider on and chased Brandon. The result of that…Just look below!

Oh yeah, super duper melt down and ugly cry. Notice dad is laughing and smiling NOT being sympathetic!

Thing two. Last week Brandons hair was getting really long. I mentioned to my mom I wanted to get it cut. That weekend they were watching Brandon and when they brought him home they had gotten his hair cut. I was pretty confused because the cut needed some work and I knew the place they normally took him did a good job. I commented something about it and my dad commented back about where they took him. The next morning after talking to Rob we decided that the hair had to get fixed. I kept asking my mom where she took him so we could go back and have them fix it. She was kind of avoiding answering me. Finally I asked Brandon who cut his hair. He replied, “mramaw did it mramaw did it.” I was like soooo mom, Brandon says you cut his hair. She started laughing and was like, shit I’m caught. Seems I had misunderstood my dad. He didn’t actually say they took him somewhere he just said that place was expensive which made me think they had been there. We asked Brandon more about it and he let us know grandma did it, she used scissors and he stood on the stool.

We all had a pretty good laugh about it because one thing I always said is that Brandon couldn’t go to school until I could ask him things and get accurate responses. And while his responses aren’t always totally right at least I know he will answer me when I ask him stuff and it’s up to me to believe him or not.

Happy Easter and all that jazz

I have great pictures of Easter. I think. Maybe. I wouldn’t know, the camera died and is currently sitting on the charger. And, while I could totally pull it off the charger and load pictures, I would never remember to put it back on, and that would result in another partially charged camera battery meaning that the next time my child is right in the middle of doing something TOTALLY AWESOME my camera will fucking die again!

Easter is my favorite holiday. If you read this blog you should know that. So in honor of Easter I made sure to cram AS MUCH SHIT AS POSSIBLE into 2 days! So here you go, my weekend.

Friday was Shannon money day. First, I sold one of my bassinets to Steph, she brought me money. Then I sold a second bassinet on Craigslist. They brought me money. Then my renter who has been causing me some trouble felt bad and brought me $100.00 cash. Hell yeah.

Proceeds from one bassinet went straight to checking account. The money from second bassinet went to pay a deposit on a spot for a softball tournament for my husband. That left $100.00 cold hard cash staring at me! Ginger and I had planned to have dinner together Friday so I decided to splurge and go for Fondue at the Melting Pot. We had a great time and at least 3 hours later we both left wondering how far in the parking lot we had to make it before it would be acceptable to unbutton our pants and let our bellies hang out like Homer Simpson.

Later I watched Big Brother. I saw the part where Ryan chose to take $10,000 from Shelia the single mom rather then a motorcycle. Is it just me or am I the only person who thinks a motorcycle is worth way more then $10,000? My thought would be, give the single mom her $10,000, take the bike and E-bay or Craigslist it and make wayyyyy more then the measly 10’gs. But thats just me.

Saturday morning my husbands car alarm went off for no reason. I was very tired the next day.
We woke up and I straightened up some. Then Rob took Brandon to get a hair cut. He looks fucking awesome.

While Rob went to get Brandon’s hair cut I did some exercises. I did some sit ups, push ups, leg lifty things (you know you lay between a doorway and hold on, then try and lift your legs from the floor up into a 90 degree angle), and various other things. Then I decided to do some jumping jacks. Note to self. Doing jumping jacks while wearing nothing but undies and a bra means you get to hear every inch of your fat slapping and jiggling around. DON’T DO THIS AGAIN!

I ironed our clothes for the Easter egg hunt that day and then hung them up. We planned to take family pictures of the egg hunt but had lunch plans before the hunt, and I knew that Brandon couldn’t stay clean. I also knew that I could not stay clean (seriously spilled cheese on myself 4 times at Fondue, wasn’t risking messing up my white shirt).

Went to lunch at Claim Jumper with my grandpa. I got nachos. They were amazing. Whole black beans, real melted cheese, sour cream, delicious home made salsa, oh baby, it’s dirty remembering it. Brandon got the cutest little kid plate. It had macaroni, trees (broccoli) and apples with caramel. The macaroni was fantastic. Seriously, it was homemade, with real cheese and fun noodles, no boxed stuff for claim jumper. He devoured that and his trees which made me proud that he actually wanted to eat his veggies more then his trees.

Still at lunch my husband ordered the club sandwich. It was about the same length as my arm. The fries were to die for.

Headed to the Easter egg hunt and we decided this year to do the hunt for big kids. It is put on in a tiny town a few miles out of Reno at the local school. They have a little tiny kids area on the grass thats just eggs everywhere. Then a medium size kid area that is in some rocks and sagebrush. Finally the big kids get to go in the trees and mountains and dirt and stuff. We started in the medium kid area and before we even crossed into the really big kid area Brandon’s Easter basket was full (note to self buy him giant basket next year.) In the big area I had to carry him over some rocks and lift him into the trees. He made out with over 40 eggs.

After the hunt we headed to the school playground and Brandon, Jaida and Maizey played together and guess what THEY DIDN’T EVEN FIGHT WITH EACH OTHER. We took some super great family pictures and I got some awesome pics of the kids and the rest of the family (check my flicker to the right to see them).

After that we rushed to the hospital to see my friend Alli’s new baby. Rob dropped me off and headed up to my grandmas house. I got up to her room and she was passed out. No part of me was going to wake a brand new mom so I sneaked a peak at the baby and left waiting for Rob to pick me back up.

We flew across town to Babies R Us where I had a date with Julia. Since I would have been late he just dropped me off there.

Julia and I shopped around the store for hours and it was really fun to have someone to go in the moms room and nurse babies with. Her little girl is soooo cute and has the reddest hair. Codi would not stop smiling and flirting with her. At one point I was worried Julia was going to tell him to back of her sweet little girl (just joking). At the end of the date I even got little Jayla to smile and giggle at me. Rob came and got me and we rushed home so he could get ready for sushi.

I realized I had forgotten to buy stuff to make the dip for the party I had to attend the next day so I hauled ass to the store and then made the dip. I only ate 2 bites of dip which is damn amazing for me.

I did eat a half a can of super processed spicy nacho cheese dip (I didn’t even try and think about calories this weekend).

Rob went to sushi and I fed Codi some rice cereal and gave him a bath. He was grabbing my hand trying to jam the cereal in as fast as possible, then pushing it right back out with his tongue because he couldn’t figure it out. It was so very cute.

Around 10pm my parents came over and did some super secret stuff in my backyard and then took off again.

Sunday night Robs car alarm went off again for no reason. I am now convinced someone is fucking with us because this is the third time. My theory is that they are purposely setting it off and running, hoping that we will eventually start ignoring it and then really break in.

About 1am on Sunday I suddenly felt as though someone grabbed the bed from the other side and tipped it. I literally felt as though I was rolling or spinning. It continued on for the remainder of the night. That morning I bent down and was spinning so bad I stumbled and almost fell over. By noon it was gone.

Sunday morning we got up and Brandon opened his Easter stuff from Rob and I. Then we opened the curtains to the back sliding door and saw a bicycle with training wheels, a giant thing of bubbles, a bubble gun, a helmet, knee and elbow pads, some Peeps, some malted eggs and a flute thing.

There was also a GIANT remote control tarantula. Brandon didn’t give a shit about the bike or the bubbles and ran right out for his spider. He loved it. He walked it allll over the place. However he pushed the wrong button and it came after him. He took of screaming but didn’t let go of the button and the spider kept chasing him. It was great.

Then Brandon looked up and realized the yard was full of plastic eggs full of money. He ran around finding eggs squeeling “I found the egg, I did it I did it mama I found the egg, I found nother egg, NOTHER EGG MAMA THERES NOTHER EGG THERES MORE NOTHER EGG. Yeah, there were a ton of eggs.

We came in and opened all his money and played for a while and then went out and played with the bubble gun and big thing of bubbles. We were all dressed and ready to head to Jaidas birthday party. We were just killing time before hand. I came inside to feed Codi and looked up to see Brandon jumping. I asked Rob to investigate and he found Brandon jumping in a mixture of bubbles and dirty. Much to my dismay he had to aquire his second outfit of the day.
We headed to Lisa’s house for Jaida’s birthday and made a stop along the way to pick up a present for this blogger.

When we got to the party both boys were out. When Brandon finally woke up he was doing really cute stuff in the bounce house and my camera died. We had a great time at the party. My favorite part was after cake, while the birthday girl was opening presents someone turned around and realized Brandon was quietly sitting on the table dipping his finger in the frosting on the remaining half of the cake and just gleefully eating away while all eyes were on the birthday girl.

We then went to Target to find Target closed due to the holiday. So we went to Walmart. I picked up some more color wonder stuff for Brandon. However this gave me an idea.

We got home and I proceeded to do a full on spring cleaning of Brandons room. This meant cleaning the top of his closet, going through all of his clothes (drawers and closet) and checking for sizes. Then I pulled out all of his shorts and checked those too. I cleaned out his play table and took out all of the crayons and markers he doesn’t use right now since he’s all about color wonder stuff. Then I got the brilliant idea to take all the caps off some of his other dried up markers and hide them in a drawer for when Brandon loses yet another lid to his favorite markers (some day I’m going to find some super mega stash of color wonder lids hidden in his room). I started cramping near my surgery scar and getting dizzy again so I hurried up and finished doing his laundry and decided to eat some ramen for dinner.

Midway through cleaning Brandons room Codi started wailing. I went in to find him covered in poop. Rob was trying to McGyver something together in Brandons room so he didn’t hear my screams for help. I suddenly realized that to date Rob has not encountered a single super soaker poop of Codis. I want to know how he has planned this.

I was chatting with my mom when she reminded me that I needed to post an Easter post for ya’ll because she didn’t want me to leave you guys hanging for a whole weekend. I ate my ramen and sat down to write all of this out.

I’m now enjoying some chocolate and some water, spinning in circles mentally and hoping you all forgive me for not having pictures up yet.

I have to weigh in in two days. I am laughing at myself because I am pretty sure there will be no loss and a pretty good gain. I don’t even care. I had a long weekend and Easter is my favorite holiday. I made it through Christmas and Thanksgiving with pretty large weight losses. But if anyone of you expected a loss during my favorite holiday of the year…well, I’m laughing out loud at you!

I must go to bed now. Codi is in his crib which means as soon as I shut my eyes he will wake up and want to be in my bed.

Happy Easter ya’ll!

Little girls are made of sugar, spice and rotting sewage

So I’m baby sitting a little girl. I believe she is about five. She just announced she had to go to the bathroom. A little while later Brandon has to go too. He goes in my bathroom and since he had to pooh I knew I needed to grab some baby wipes. I walk into Codis room right next to the bathroom and puked in my mouth. Thats right. The little girl had pooped so bad I threw up in my mouth IN MY MOUTH!!!! Then I walked out in the hall and it had traveled all the way to my kitchen. I ran in to spray the bathroom and puked again. IT WAS THAT BAD!

So I tell Rob. OMG girl just pooped worse then any of yours. He was like “for reals?” I was like “worse then yours and my dads combined. In fact it smells like rotting sewage mixed with rotting fish mixed with puke mixed with the dump combined with asshole”. He was like, “wow, I’m impressed actually.” I was like “yeah babe, if she was a guy, she would be sooooo much cooler then you!”

Because, you know, men judge how cool they are by how awful their shit smells, and how long their turds are.

Back to the sleepless nights

I was chatting with my cousin the other day about how my insomnia is coming back strong. I had insomnia for a good 10 years and I had started to finally get control of it (meaning I got a good 4-5 hours of undisturbed sleep as oppose to 2-3 of tossing and turning. I have tried Ambien and what not, and that just makes me feel stoned and philosophical, which is how most prescription drugs make me feel. She told me I need ed to stop stressing out so much at night. I busted out laughing, and realized that while I’m constantly stressed all day and my mind reals non stop at night, it goes at a different kind of non stop. You see at night, while I am up all night, I’m not thinking about bills, and work, and my kids. Noooo here are the things that run through an insomniacs mind.

Why is it Stephanie from Lazy Town is human but her uncle is plastic and really, why doesn’t Little Bear wear clothes that is weird. And in the episode of Little Bear where they made duck soup by throwing a bunch of stuff in a bowl of water and letting the duck swim in it, how could they really want to eat it AFTER A DUCK SWAM IN IT! I didn’t do crunchies tonight, I should for sure do them in the morning. But, the morning is my only time to relax for a while and crunchies really aren’t relaxing. I’m very thirsty, but if I drink water I’ll have to pee, wait, I already have to pee. Hmm do I get up and pee or just lay here and think about peeing. Okay I’ll pee. Oh look, theres the closet, I really need to come up with a shoe organizing system. Why is the bathroom so scary at night? It isn’t scary during the day, its a toilet, I mean IT’S A TOILET. Yeah but at night its a spooky toilet. He he it’s cute when Brandon says spooky. Ugg I wish I could find comfortable pillows. I wish Rob didn’t get so hot so I could have a feather duvet on our bed. You know this really isn’t fair. We’ve gone like 5 years with his kind of blanket, shouldn’t we go like 5 years with my kind of blanket. THATS IT tomorrow I’m buying a duvet. Ohhh probably not because that would involve money, and I don’t spend money on me, especially because a new duvet would need a cover and then I would need matching sheets and pillow cases, and thats thousands of dollars. But I do need a new sheet. I wonder if Rob remembers the time he ripped my sheet. I remember. He was standing right there helping me make the bed when RIIIIIP he tugged to hard. I remember feeling like my heart ripped in half because that was a $250.00 Hotel Collection 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheet. Why do I always have to say the whole brand and thread count when I talk about my sheets? What was I supposed to do Saturday. Ahhh nothing. Oh wait, no there was something. What was it? SHIT I FORGET. I should carry a planner around. Wait, I tried that. It was a fancy one too and it just sat in my purse. Okay well I’m going to start using my computer calender, if only I could figure out how to synch work and home computers. I wonder if I should paint my toenails this year. Do I even have toe nail polish? I used to have gallons and gallons of the stuff. I wish I knew how to put on make up. No, I look ridiculous in make up. I wonder if Rob would be mad if I put make up on Brandon and put his hair in pig tails. No I don’t even have to wonder, he would probably throw me out and change the keys. I couldn’t even sneak and do it either because I would have to take a picture of it, and then I would have to put it on my blog, and he reads my blog so that won’t work. Speaking of my blog, I should really write a blog about something great. Now I just need something great and funny to happen to me. What was that really funny blog I was writing in my head this morning? Think Shannon, Think! You can do this. Dammit, it was a good one too! Boinga, boinga, boinga, everything is boinga, BOINGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This writers strike is lame. I want my shows back. I wish Top Chef was on like three times a week like Big Brother. It’s lame that it isn’t on that often. Man, I can’t believe I used to weigh as much as the people on biggest loser. How did I not see it. It must be because I was so blinded by my fabulous smile. I don’t understand why people can’t just smile good for pictures. I have a great picture smile. I shouldn’t tell people I think this because that sounds vein or whatever. And I’m not vein, because I hate most of myself, but my smile, every time I see it I want to say KACHINGA like that guy on Cars. Kachinga Kachinga pow pow look at my smile. OH man Shannon shut up your so annoying.

Annnnnnd that takes up about 20 minutes of my night. My cousin was laughing so hard when I told her this. She thought my insomnia was caused about worrying about important stuff. Clearly some of you don’t understand insomnia!

New specs


If any one of you comments on my whiteness you will be forever banned from this blog.
An example of this would be my cousin telling me I was so white I was nearly blue.

Thanks fucker!

Mortified

Remember earlier I mentioned that my husband was being a turd this weekend.  Well I wanted to tell you my favorite story from this weekend.

Sunday morning we all wake up.  Rob eats breakfast and he heads of to take his morning dump.  All the sudden Brandon starts jumping around that he has to go to the bathroom.  So I tell him to go and make sure not to pee on the floor.  He starts bouncing around and I ask what’s wrong.  He says daddy is in his bathroom.  So I say okay go in daddies and be sure to keep it in the toilet.  I put Codi down and go in after him. He pees and flushes and then I give him his undies and pants to put on. Then I go potty flush and we leave.  
About 15 minutes later I ask Rob something and he being total short with me.  I was like babe what’s your problem.  He said he was annoyed because I didn’t go in the bathroom with Brandon.  
Me:  Uhh yeah I did
Rob: Did you wipe him
Me: There was nothing to wipe
Rob:  Come on Shannon it smelled like shit in there, why don’t you just say you didn’t go in
Me: Because I did go in
Rob: Babe he was in there flushing the toilet a few times and it smells like poop, so if you didn’t even know he pooped you couldn’t have wiped him
Me: **Becoming VERY annoyed**  I did go in there Rob and he went pee and he put on his undies and pants and flushed
Rob: Shannon it smells like shit in there
Me: OMFG I WENT POOP CAN YOU LEAVE IT ALONE ALREADY I POOPED AFTER HE PEED THATS WHY YOU HEARD THE TOILET FLUSH TWICES (wanting to crawl in a hole and die a long death because I DON’T ADMIT TO MY HUSBAND I POOP)
Rob: **Busts out laughing**  All you had to do was say you shit
Me: NOOOOOOO Because then you would know I poop, and stop saying Shit
Rob: But you do poop
Me: You should have just trusted me and dropped it.
Rob:  You should have just said you pooped
Me:  Omg stop talking about how I pooped lets just drop it now.
Rob: **Still laughing** But you did poop
Me: STOOOOOOOPPPPP I DON’T POOP
Me: You sooooooo owe me an apology for thinking I didn’t go in there and then not believing Me when I said I did
Rob: Okay, I’m sorry but you should just say you went in and shit
Me: Aggggggg shush
Rob: I could smell the shit
Me: I know but if I sprayed then you would have heard that and then you would have really known I was in there pooping so I didn’t spray because I didn’t think you would be in there sniffing the bathroom
Rob:  Just laughing at me.
I am sooooo mortified.  I can’t believe I got caught pooping.  This is only the second time in SIX YEARS that he has caught me and it is no less embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!

He tells me not to post the nice but it was just so cute

So this weekend Rob was being kind of pissy and short. It wasn’t stretching to say that he was on his man period this weekend. By Sunday morning I was ready to kill him with his attitude. Around 10:00 we had to go pick up my car from the window tinting place which meant I had to ride in the car with him. Seconds before we get in the car he gets all short with me again. I got super cranky back and started pretty much ignoring him. He finally asks whats wrong and I told him that he had been being a total shit head a few times this weekend. So I turn away from him and look at the window and all the sudden I hear.

He he it was the cutest thing I’ve ever heard him do. I look over and hes got his bottom lip out and has this sad sorry little face on. I just busted out laughing. it was very funny. I loved it. For the rest of the day everything was okay and he got off his period. I’m glad he was a butthead this weekend though or he never would have had a chance to play me the song.