One of my most favorite blogs to read would be Val. She is um, everything I think I would have turned out to be had I not, gotten married and had kids. Oh yeah, and if I was BRAVE! As a little aside to Val, I just recently (read with in the month) realized Val was short for Valley Girl and not just some old lady pseudo name you chose for your self. I’m a quick one, I am!

Anywho she recently wrote this post about people stealing her ideas and what not. I did immediately did what I think every other blogger did and said, “oh no is it me she is mad at?”

But then I stepped back in reality and realized even if I wanted I couldn’t pretend to steal even a shred of her glamorous life. However, I could totally rip her off in a less funny, kind of sad way, which is just what I intend to do (I’m gonna tell her ya’ll gosh).

My current favorite post of Val’s is this one. I giggle like a school girl every time I read it, err, look at it. This explains it a little better. (Val, I’m trying to back link like you do just for this one post and it’s driving me fucking bonkers, I now have a new found respect for every goddamn link you post in your blogs)!

So, in honor of Val, I present to you all, my version of THE MECHANICS. Here is how the current three some in my house goes!

Also, I’m not near as fancy as ya’ll with your photoshop doohicky, so I drew this in Microsoft Word, then made a screen shot (that Lee reminds me how to do daily), put it in my iphoto and cropped it. Look at me go.

I can’t count how many times lately that I’ve said or written or thought, “I’m exhausted“. People keep looking for a reason. Even I looked too. It isn’t lack of sleep, because I’ve never slept so my body is used to that. It isn’t how I’m eating. It isn’t the amount of exercise I’m getting. I couldn’t pin point it until this morning. For a while I thought I was stuck in a 5 month black hole. But now I’m beginning to realize it’s been a series of holes. In and out in and out in and out.

I realized there have been a few days where I would say, “I feel like I am coming out of it,” only what was really happing is I had come out of it, for about two days and then I would fall back in. I now understand this constant up and down is what is exhausting me.

My mind is in a mental cage match, I feel like I’m being mentally body slammed every ten minutes. I go in and out so fast I know longer know the difference between the two. Just when I feel my self coming out BAMN. I feel like I’ve been tossed into a well. When I look down at my fingers I expect to see them bloodied because I feel like I’m constantly trying to climb out, and just when I reach the edge I fall back in, and right now I feel like I’m drowning.

It is that right there that is exhausting my mind and body. Talking abut it is exhausting. Knowing people think nothing is wrong is exhausting. Trying to hold it together and not sit crying for hours is exhausting. Attempting to complete every day mundane tasks is exhausting. Trying to draw the line between having control of this, and become a bad mom, wife, friend is exhausting. Trying to keep it to myself so that I don’t bring anyone else down is the most exhausting part of all.

Fighting with myself to write this was hard. I don’t want to write this and then hear the questions, and see the looks, or hear the voices in other peoples heads when they feel like there is nothing really wrong. But I can’t not write it because wrestling with this all alone is impossible. These thoughts are engulfing me and swallowing me like a tidal wave.

I hate being the blog that depresses people, but at times I feel it isn’t fair for me to carry this alone. Then I think when I’m not being funny I’m letting down those like me who read blogs searching for comic relief in their lives.

I’m loaded with things I should be doing and then when I don’t do them I feel like I’m failing. I’ve been trying to choose things simply for me and I’m left feeling selfish, and as if I have let the world down because I can’t do it all, or remember it all.

My kids are my saving grace. Their innocence and carefree attitude gives me hope. I would love to some day feel a glimmer of the happiness they feel. That is why I feel as if I’m letting down the universe when I lose my temper with Brandon. Because in essence my children are my universe. My husband is a simple man, so it takes a lot to let him down, but these kids, they don’t know any thing besides 100%. Kids don’t understand, “hang on mommy just needs to relax.” Kids don’t understand that saying mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom every fucking second of the day is actually enough to drive a person insane. It is because of this I feel like I can’t even get mad at him.

This weekend there was a point (when he flushed his jammies down the toilet to be exact) where I just had to walk in my room and scream. The sad part though is I wasn’t screaming because I was mad. Because in reality I thought it was pretty funny and I wanted to take a picture. I was screaming because knowing that I had to clean it, and stop him, and handle one more fucking situation suddenly became so overwhelming I felt it was either I scream in my room or I flush him down the toilet too.

I’ve been trying so hard to be better to Brandon. Trying to talk to him rather then yell. Trying to rationalize with him. Trying to understand, he’s only two, he’s going to get in trouble a lot. He doesn’t understand anger. He doesn’t understand long explanations. He doesn’t understand people need to work, or cook, or do things. All he knows is that he wants something and he wants it now. He isn’t old enough to know anything different, and I really try and understand that.

The mental and physical exhaustion is killing me. It’s making it so hard to function, and yet the insomnia keeps me up at night making sleep impossible. My mind never sleeps, and I never sleep.

I don’t know where to go from here. I want to sit in a closet and cry and cry and cry. Huge convulsing ugly tears. But I can’t. I have to be a mom, and a wife, and a friend, and a daughter, and doing that sort of thing just makes it harder on those around me. So I put on a happy face in order to protect them.

Only, now I’m wondering, when am I supposed to protect me?

NOW THAT HE IS CRAWLING, HE HAS DECIDED TO START CRAWLING OUT OF SQUISHY SOFT CODI BABY SIDE OF MY OFFICE AND CRAWL OVER TO YUCKY METAL DESK SIDE..AND THEN OF COURSE, LICK MY METAL DESK. UHH GUESS IT’S TIME TO START CHILD PROOFING THE OFFICE AGAIN EH?

Things my child did this weekend

• He put a handful of soap in his hair, spiked it up and declared it washed, then..

• He cut his own hair!

• With scissors

• Then he cut holes in my favorite shirt of his

• Again, WITH SCISSORS

• He spent the rest of the weekend declaring he got a haircut

• In an attempt to throw his cupcake outside he instead threw it so it landed half on my wall and half outside

• While I was cleaning cupcake bits off the floor and wall he was busy eating said cupcake off the dirty sandy patio out back

• When I asked him to get off the toilet and get dressed he informed me, “no, I just have more poop in my butt, I not done.”

• I walked in to find him flushing his pajama pants down the toilet, then pulling them out and swinging them over his head like a lasso

• I told him no, came back and found him flushing an entire roll of baby wipes down the toilet

• It was time to eat so I gave him some cream of wheat, which he decided to eat with his fingers

• He also decided to smear cream of wheat HEAD TO TOE down his body, across my table and on my chairs

• I laid out his outfit for the day, a cute pair of brown and orange board shorts with a hibiscus flower and a wife beater, he exclaimed to Rob, “I NOT WEAR THESE SHORTS THEY TO FOWERY”

• Followed by, “Dad, these shorts are fower power”

• I then walked in on him flushing a crayon down the toilet. He went to time out, came out and …

• Flushed another crayon down the toilet while dying of laughter

• Responded to everything Rob told him with SO SO SO SO SO!

• Then he body slammed Codi and made him scream

• Then it was time for another meal. He put a couple bites of food in his mouth, chewed it and then turned his head to the right and spit it about two feet across the floor

• He thought this was hysterical

• I did not

• Finally he looked at me and said, “mama, you a girl, and I’m a guy, I’m a guy and a kid”

• “And mama, you a pincess, mama is a pincess”

I’M EXHAUSTED!

So. Back in school I wasn’t always the brainiest of the bunch. This meant that there were more then a few times in school I might have gotten some failure notices in the mail. And since I’m 26 now, and have kids, and out of the house I think it’s safe to tell this story with out my mom grounding me.

Back around 8th grade I knew I was going to get an academic warning notice. I knew it was going to have a lot of the grade that is the same as the first letter in my favorite 4 letter cuss word (for those of you who are dense thats an F for FUCK). I went to Gingers the weekend I knew it was coming. We some how got to my house and got it out of the mail. We then went to her house to throw it away. Only I was still worried. What if her mom dropped something in the trash, went to retrieve it and saw the failure notice. So we got a better idea. We were going to burn the fucker.

We put it in a coffee tin, lit it on fire and said good bye. Only, I freaked out again. What if her mom saw the ashes in the trash and wondered why we were burning shit. Soooo I came up with the final brilliant plan. We were going to send that bitch down the river behind her house. Down the river it went never to be seen again. But can I tell you how long I worried that somehow my mom would go near that river and see the can and open it up and find the burned paper and magically know it was mine because of some kind of wizard powers? A LONG FUCKING TIME!

So, now it’s your turn, tell me your best get out of trouble lie. Or even just one of the best lies you ever told your parents that they still don’t know about.

First lets talk about my gripes with the show. I’m really really sick of these group or partner challenges. How in the fuck are these people supposed to shine if they are just arguing and fighting with other people. No matter what in a group not everyone is going to get their way, and it feels like the person who has the great idea, but doesn’t get their way always gets shit on. I really think they should have more individual challenges so the judges can really see who is cooking and who is just a whiney bossy annoying fucking bitch.

Enter my next gripe. Can someone tell me why in the fuck Lisa is still on this show. She is a mean, rude, dirty bitch. She needs to wash her fucking hair, get an attitude check and step up. I think she should have gone home numerous times, and I also don’t understand why she hasn’t been punched yet.

On that note how is Nikki still there? What has she done so far? Seriously standing around, and looking overly done up and anorexic doesn’t count as cooking. I haven’t seen her do anything worthy of still being there yet. I can’t believe she got to stay after the week with the nasty mushrooms and cheese incident. I can’t believe she got to stay this week. I don’t like her.

I’m livid they kicked Jennifer off. I actually really liked her a lot. I think she had some good ideas and made some decent food. I think if anything she should have lasted longer then Nikki or Lisa.

I really like Dale. I think he does some great stuff. I would love for him to win. I also think Richard is a good cook, but I just don’t like him. I kind of think it might be him and Dale at the end and I hope he gets shut down. I think he is just pouty and cocky and he acts like a sore loser. He is just way to full of himself.

I really wish the show would do some more individual challenges. I much more prefer to see what each chef can do rather then seeing what they do in a group and having one person end up safe just because there was a better chef on their team. I think it is a lousy set up.

As for the remaining women on the show, I don’t like any of them, I’m hoping a man wins…Just not Richard.