I don’t much feel like discussing this so you all are going to get the extreme cliffs notes version of what I’m about to ask and say!
I have a brother and a sister. Whoah. Shocker huh. Actually I have a half brother and sister. My dad remarried a witch when I was younger and produced 2 kids. Nick and Makala. The witch basically hated me. This meant that any time I called she suddenly had a desire to vacuum right where my dad was standing, which was odd because her floors were never clean. I digress. My theory is that she married my dad, had her kids and wanted that to be her family and for him to move on from me and be only part of her new family, that or the fact that clearly my dad loved me more then he would ever love her and thus she hated me with a vicious passion and made no effort to hide it! Next.
My dad killed himself when I was twelve. I’ve moved on from this. I went through a million phases, and finally I’ve settled on saying, as a parent, I COULD NEVER NEVER DO THAT TO MY CHILD, and because he did that to me, well, I pretty much don’t consider him to be any more then a sperm donor. He didn’t shape who I was, he didn’t make me who I am, he didn’t teach me lessons, he did nothing but walk away. Next.
When he died he left behind a 3 year old daughter, and an almost one year old son. Oh and me. My brother, Nick really wouldn’t remember me, and looking at Brandon and realizing he is only about 5 months younger then my sister, I can’t imagine him remembering anyone today 15 years from now. My sister loved me though. Since her name was Makala and she was sometimes called Kayla she took to calling all people Mi this Mi that so I became MiShannon. This turned into calling me MyShannon later in life. We had a blast, I loved having a sister, we would go to the park and play and one of my favorite memories is her putting my step moms thong on and pulling the legs up over her shoulders and telling me it was her super hero suit. Next.
The point to all of this is, I have not seen them since the Christmas after my dad died. The witch decided that she did not want any of my dads family to be part of her family. She moved to California and cut us all off. This is where I develop a problem. My grandma spent the remainder of her life broken over losing her son and also coping with the fact that she would never get to see her grand kids again. She had their address and sent cards and money and presents and they all went unanswered.
Once, I got the witches phone number and I called her. I told her I wanted to meet them. She informed me they were not my family, we were nothing to them, they didn’t need me and that she told them he got sick and died and never wanted them to know the truth. Next.
My sister is about to be 18 (or already is but I don’t think so). This means, that basically at this point I can contact her no matter what the super witch says. And for a long time I thought I wanted to. But then I thought, what is the point? So. Here are my cases for and against contacting my sister and brother. I now have all of their info, know where they live, their phone number and so on.
PRO contacting family:
- I strongly feel like someone should tell them who their dad really was, that he loved AC/DC and named his dog Angus, after the lead singer, that he loved working outside and used to put baby oil in his hair to lighten it in the summer, he loved fishing out at Pyramid lake, he loved peanut butter chocolate shakes made with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup and peanut butter NOT peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, and he loved Kraft singles. They should know their dad was the kind of guy who when he was little thought school was so important he would drive his brothers and sisters to school when his mom was sick, and he was only 12. Or how he went around to the neighbor ladies and asked to do odd jobs to earn money to buy groceries for the family, and some jam for his mom to have on her bread.
- I really feel like they deserve to know they have family out there. Who doesn’t want to have more family. Think of all the presents and cards and money they missed out on when they were younger.
- I feel like they deserve to know who they are and why they are that way. I bet they love a certain song, or a certain food and they have no idea why.
AGAINST contacting family
- I’ve moved on from them. I don’t miss them, I don’t consider them my family, I don’t know them. 18 years old and 26 years old is awfully old to force a friendship.
- How pissed off would I be to be skating through life thinking everything was good and then BAM I find out my dad killed himself, my mom lied and I have a whole entire other life out there.
- How angry would I be if 14 years from now someone went and shattered my sons life. I WOULD FUCKING KILL THEM. So on one hand I can really understand the mother bird instinct the witch felt when she chose to lie to them.
- Bearing the burden of having a dad kill himself is a lot to take. I went through so many emotions, and I also realized that I would always have that mental impairment in my family. While it is always there, I don’t know if it would have ever been as strong or as prevalent if I didn’t know my dad killed himself, I also don’t know if I would have thought about suicide as much as I did (side note, now that I have kids I will never ever ever think of that ever again, because my sons are more important then any selfish bullshit I’m dealing with in my head…end rant).
- What is the point. We don’t know each other, we don’t live close, it wouldn’t be like I imagined for years where I was 17 and I went and got my little sister and took her to the mall shopping. I have kids now, shes out of high school her big sister is a grown up mom who is a boring fuddy duddy.
- I’ve basically removed myself from that side of the family. When my grandma died I decided to detach from that. While I stay in touch with his sister my aunt, I more consider her a great friend then a relation to that family, probably because she is a slight out cast also. Honestly, if it wouldn’t be totally futile at this point, I would have my dad (stepdad whatever) adopt me so I could just get rid of the man who left me for good.
- I wouldn’t be able to not tell them about their dad. He died by his own hand, not because he was sick. He loved drugs, he couldn’t be faithful, he went AWOL from the army, he didn’t pay child support, he couldn’t always hold a job, and he was a total mental basket case (see I have a family history, honestly that whole entire side of the family is mental, I didn’t have good odds of coming out not mental.)
So. My mom feels like I should contact them. She feels like it’s time for me to share the burden and weight I’ve felt for years. It’s time for my sister and brother to know who their dad was. Because when he wasn’t doing drugs and killing himself he was a pretty neat guy. He had great taste in music and was kind of fun. Like I said, I’ve reached a point in my life where I would be totally fine never knowing these people. However, some tell me that knowing them is the right thing to do because they are my family. I just can’t justify in my mind destroying some kids lives, making these kids angry at their moms, and shattering the whole world they have always known.
Weigh in on this. Have you ever had a similar situation? Do you think I should contact them? Should I forget they exist? What are all of your opinions on this whole thing?