I just returned from a lovely dinner out with Ginger. I am pretty sure by the end our waitress wanted to grab a glass of wine, pull up a chair, and pretend like she was just one of the girls. I don’t know which part she was interested in more,
Could it have been:
Us talking about Gingers “Fuckbuddy”, aka lovermuffin?
Us discussing the fact that this weekend my mom has embarked on a trip to track down the sister who doesn’t know I exist?
The part where I exclaimed that I could write a four part series title, “most of my extended family is a piece of shit,” under the pseudo name “Zoey McBooty”
Either way we had a lot of laughs. When we were talking about my family, and how most of them really suck great big donkey balls. Thats when I said, fuck, I could write a novel, NO WAIT, a series, a four part series even. One for each of my shitty families. I COULD BE THE NEXT HARRY POTTER SERIES! It was all quite funny and we giggle a lot about it, especially since I had just told her how I totally thought Harry Potter grew up to be quite the tasty treat.
Then we talked about how if I could just convince my parents (pretty much my only family who don’t suck giant donkey balls) to move, I would be gone from this town faster then you could say laterfuckers. Everyone keeps giving me a hard time about not leaving my parents. I guess I just have a different relationship with my parents. I’m the type of person who generally doesn’t make a decision in life with out telling them. I can’t imagine living in another city and not being able to ask my mom every little thing. I also can’t imagine having Brandon wake up and ask for papa and not have my dad only 7 minutes away to rush over and get him. That to me, is not an option. I need them, end of story, no I won’t move away from them, but I will move with them. I guess some people don’t realize that in the ENTIRE history of my life, my mom and my dad are the ONLY two people who have never, ever once EVER turned their back on me, not even for a second, not even for a half a second. And yet people can’t understand why I don’t just turn my back and walk away. But Ginger got it, she knew, she knows. Ginger knows about me and my parents. In fact, she knows exactly why I am the kind of parent I am. It’s all I know. I only know how to parent with out never turning your back on you kid. In fact, I think I’m the same way in my marriage.
We talked about how bad I want to drink. How I want to drink more right now then I have at all in the last 2 years. July will be 2 years. We ordered fondue with white wine and I had to send it back. Not because it tasted bad, but because it tasted so good, I felt myself breaking down thinking, “well shit if I can eat this I might as well order a drink, whats the difference?” It was hard. It is hard right now, laying in bed, and honestly, if I don’t write at this very moment, I’m not sure I can stop from going into my fridge and guzzling down the contents of the last bottle of liquor in my house. A bottle of Disorano, because this weekend when we cleared out all my liquor I told my husband, “No, not that one, not that bottle, because dear, if I ever do decide to fall off the wagon, it better taste really fucking good.” Actually, I like to keep it to test my will power. Two fucking years I’ve been staring at that bitch, thats a lot of Goddamn will huh?
We talked about her lovermuffin (as I call him), and discovered that I used to call my cat that. We devised a plan for me to meet said lovermuffin. It felt good. It felt like high school.
Like I was sitting there with my best friend. Sometimes I need that. I need a night out with her. With someone so very different from me (okay we both love chocolate and cheese and the food network but still). A night out with someone who just genuinely gets me. I told her how my mom said that if I moved I would lose my friends, and that I responded in a heartbeat that Ginger would come see me. She said I was right, and I knew I was. I know, that no matter where I go in life I can count on that. The crazy part is, we could go months apart and it would be as though I saw her yesterday. We talked about how right now, I’m unhappy with how so much of my family behaves. They don’t act like family. They act like characters from The Hills, who are always having bitter, over the top fights over nothing. And how I have never cared until now, when I have kids, and they are affected.
We talked about how when I went into the hospital bleeding during my pregnancy she was the only one who came to see me. She knew, that no matter what I said, I wanted someone there, to just sit. So she did, she came, an sat and watched TV with me. For the rest of my life, I’ll never forget that, me in the bed, her in the chair to my left, watching TV, just being with me. There might have also been some talk about pooping with the door open, but still, she was there, and we didn’t have to talk. Believe it or not, sometimes I don’t want to talk, I just want silence. Just. Quiet.
I’ve never wanted to run away as much as I do now. And I guess I’m lucky for tonight. I’m lucky I had dinner with Ginger. I looked forward to it all day and it surpassed my expectations. Thats how I’ve lived life lately, aim low so you’re not disappointed, only today I had high hopes for dinner, because I knew who it was with.
On the way home, after I made her listen to Neil Diamond I made her listen to Miley Cyrus. And, like I promised, it got to her, it got in her blood, and before she knew it she was slightly bopping along. And right at that moment, when she said, you can go ahead and go around the block so you can finish blasting your song, even though she might have been late for her date with lover muffin, I knew, it would be okay. It will be. Things will be okay, as long as I always have some time, with a good friend, to drive around the block and blare my awful music while bopping along.
It will be fine. I will be fine. But, I can’t promise I will stay in this town forever. And, I can’t promise that I won’t stop pretending things are okay when there not. I think I’m ready to take on the world.
(Side note, we actually talked a lot more about Ginger but I don’t think its stuff that I should tell you since this is not her blog, its mine and it’s not my business to tell).
((double side note, I have a sneaking suspicion this blog will get me in trouble, and I don’t care, to those of you who want to get mad at me, I say two things, SHUT IT DOWN, and GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER))
Thank you all, and good night.