I used to tell my husband that God must really love me giving me two boys. After all I wanted boys. They are easier. Cheaper to shop for and mostly drama free.
However I’ve spent the last hour watching my two children ages THREE and ONE kicking, hitting and choke holding each other. Codi smacks Brandon in the face, Brandon retaliates by locking his legs over Codi’s body so he can’t move. They both respond by screaming. Codi jumps on Brandon and kicks him in the head so Brandon shoves him off the couch. The next thing I know Brandon is next to me saying MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY CODI PUSH ME MOMMY CODI PUSH ME MOMMY CODI PUSH ME and I have Codi on the other side tugging on my pants saying AHHHHHHHHHWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJ
Suddenly it occurred to me that God was playing a sick sick joke on me. Only me. Not Rob. Because in a few years these two will be Robs little buddies and then it will be THREE boys picking on me not two.
My husband is sitting over there on lifting his ass off the chair to make sure his fart is as loud and obnoxious as possible. Brandon is sitting here saying UUUHHHHHHHHH which is his version of a burp. Codi is sitting here poking me in the head laughing. All the while I’m sitting here with my head in my hands wishing for 14 fucking seconds of peace and quiet!
Oh and look there goes Codi with my very expensive iPhone in his mouth. Nope, never mind he just dropped it on the tile in favor of climbing my 11 stairs only to get to the top and SCREAM because he can’t get down.
Brandon just stomped off to his room only to get up there and start yelling MOM I CAN’T TURN ON THE LIGHT I WANT KID MOVIE MY TV WONT TURN ON CODI IS TOUCHING MY SOCKS STOP IT CODI MOM CODI WONT GO OUT OF MY ROOM MOM………….
And right now I’m thinking fuck getting drunk can I please just have a jumbo bar of chocolate to dunk in a pot of melted chocolate and sprinkle with shaved chocolate.
At this moment I’m thinking fuck this parenting shit is hard. Because some days IT IS. Moms can’t be sick, they can’t just go hide in another room, they can’t go to bed early. Shit, neither can dads. My husband has to be on call 24/7 with Brandon when he wakes up with his night terrors. I can’t do it because I have a 2 foot tall tick stuck to my boobs all night.
Codi stop touching my computer mommy is typing. No no don’t push that it turns off the comput………………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz