And he ate every bite!
So, you may remember me telling you I went snowboarding and tried to drink a Guinness but couldn’t. Well, that isn’t exactly the whole truth. My husband would like me to tell you the whole truth about that little incident.
We get to the lodge (if you could call the little shack a lodge) and head for the snack bar. Right away we notice a very large selection of beer and that was it. No liquor, no fruity fun girl drinks nothing. Not even a Mikes Hard Lemonade. I look at my husband and say, “which of these taste the least like beer?” He replies with, “I’ve heard Guinness taste like coffee.” Okay fine, one Guinness and one snickers please. (I didn’t have Brandon for two days dammit I was eating some peanuts. We walk outside, I take a drink and make a look like……hmmm, similar to a face I imagine some one would make if they licked a dogs asshole. A dogs asshole that had dingle berries!
My husband laughs at me and I mention that I wish they had Blue Moon because I heard it is orangey and then I could stick some orange slice in it. His reply was that he heard people put orange in Fat Tire too. I look up and spy some honey inside. I tell Rob I’m going to go stick honey in my Guinness. He looks at me like I’m bonkers and goes to sit. I walk in, pick up the honey bear and proceed to spend about two minutes trying to make the last 1/4 inch of honey drip into my Guinness. Thats when I hear, “Is that girl seriously trying to put honey in there?” “Yeah she is, what an idiot.”
I look up and I see an orange. Okay, fine I’m buying that orange and the Fat Tire and starting over. Next thing Rob knows here comes his wife with a Guinness, an orange, a half eaten Snickers and a Fat Tire. At this point he really wants to get up on the mountain since we had waited for his cousin for ever so he just looks at me like I’m fucking nuts. I proceed to peel my orange and begin cramming pieces of it in both beers. Dammit one of these fuckers is going to taste good.
No one told me orange would make the fucking beer fizz out of the goddamn jar. So here I am beer fizzing and dripping everywhere when my husband is like HEY ASSHOLE THERE ARE PEOPLE WALKING BELOW YOU! I look down and sure as shit I’m dripping beer all over people. I take a taste of the Fat Tire and proceed to start gagging. I go to vomit only I realize that if I do I would be vomiting on the people below me. So I swallow it back down and shove both beers at my husband. He basically tells me to take it like a fucking man, grow some balls and drink that shit. My response?
I dumped those fuckers in the trash, finished my Snickers and went shredding on the hill! So, now you know I DON’T DRINK BEER, NOT EVER, NEVER NO!
I’m supposed to be home doing dishes right now, but my mom wants me to write about my weekend so fine, here….I’ll fuss with dishes later.
This weekend in an attempt to start weening Codi I asked my parents to watch the boys all of Saturday and Sunday so Codi could go a while with out mah boobies near him.
Saturday morning Rob and I woke up and had plans to go snowboarding. We headed up to this little hill that his cousin wanted to go too. Her and her husband were beginners so they wanted to go somewhere cheap and simple while they learned. I hadn’t been in over 5 years so EASY sounded great to me. We arrived at the hill and went up to the bar to get a drink. I always love to have one hot cocoa and peppermint schnapps before I go…it makes landing on your head hurt less. Only this place was so small they didn’t have liquor only beer. Rob informed me that Guinness taste like coffee so I grabbed one. 3 drinks into it I started gagging and had to throw it away because I CAN’T DRINK BEER IT TASTE LIKE SHIT. We headed up the hill and I warned everyone that there was a very very VERY good chance I would wreck getting off the lift. My heart started palpitating as we neared the end of the lift taking us to the top of the bunny hill, THUMP THUMP THUMP and then…..I made it off and didn’t fall. My husbands cousin and her husband didn’t do as well though. About an hour later we made it down the first hill. Okay really it took about 20 minutes because Robs cousin thought it was faster to fall down the hill then to actually snowboard down. We went back up, again they wrecked getting off and this time her husband actually totally kicked ass down the hill….she decided to unstrap and walk down so we headed off to the bigger hill.
The bigger hill was pretty fun. At one point I said, “look babe I’m totally shredding down the hill.” Rob looked at me and said, “carving babe, you’re carving, snowboarders don’t shred.” Whatever I WASN’T falling which was all that matters. Don’t let me fool you. At one point we decided to try and find a rock for the guys to jump off of. Thinking I could get there faster I went into the taped off area. Yes, that is taped off for a damn reason. The snow was nothing but powder. 10 FEET DEEP POWDER. Before I knew it my board was sinking and I wrecked. Only when I put my arms down to push up I sunk into the snow up to my shoulders. I took me almost 5 minutes to dig out, shimmy over some, dig out again, shimmy, dig, shimmy dig and then finally I was out. The next ride up the lift you could actually see the 5 or 6 holes I left in the snow. In my opinion it is pretty bad if you can see your wreck site from up on the lift.
Rob found the rock and did a great landing followed by a 3 roll tumble down the hill…which is when we think he lost his Ipod. I did a few more of my sink into the snow and eat shit rolls and Rob’s cousins husband ate snow once followed by crashing so bad he lost his hat.
We came down the hill and decided to drive clear across town to try out a pizza place. We got totally stuffed and then we headed home and changed to go to Gingers house warming party. This is where it all went down hill. I had a few drinks and then before we knew it we decided to go to a club. Rob, April, her boyfriend and I called a cab and off we went to the club. I told you about that already.
Sunday rolled around and I ate a lot of ramen and crackers to feel better. I was so proud of myself that I wasn’t the least bit sore from snow boarding. Codi came home and was dying to nurse. My boobs were begging to feed him so we compromised. I let him nurse for about 5 minutes before bed and then he slept from 9 until 3:30 which is a huge difference from waking every 2 hours. He is doing well so far sleeping with Brandon (yes I realize I just jinxed it). I let him nurse at 3:30 just to relieve my boobs, but I didn’t let him fall asleep nursing. I made him fall asleep on his own. We are really trying here. It is an adjustment for both of us. Last night he woke up around midnight and I was able to rock him back to sleep. At 3 when he woke up again he fell asleep on his own but kept waking up. It was clear he was hungry. I let him nurse and he slept again until 7. Nursing at night is keeping my boobs from exploding and it’s also helping the dry up time seem so much easier.
Anyway I went all out this weekend. Snowboarding, dinner with Rob, a party, and a club…damn I go big huh?
Brandons teacher commented on how he always smells so nice in the morning and how his teeth are always brushed and his clothes are always clean. Umm. Aren’t all kids? Do people really take their kids to school in dirty clothes and unclean? Eww.
Weening my first child was easy. He was down to eating every six hours. Codi was eating every two hours needless to say after almost 48 hours of not nursing (I cheated once and nursed for about 4 minutes) my boobs fucking hurt. Fuck man this shit is bad. I’m like Dolly Parton over here. Good lord have mercy on my boobs. They are so big they are rising up and about to touch my chin. I’m filling out an E cup bra and it is about to bust at the seams.
Codi is slowly testing some things out. Still nothing of quality but he is at least snacking and attempting to drink some milk from a cup (so what if it is strawberry flavor).
I feel like such a mom now. In my Iphone I have the following labels in my Ical: Personal, Work, Bills, KIDS. That’s right I now have a label just for my children’s appointments and reminders. I am 5 steps away from having one of those giant color coordinated calenders on my refrigerator with sticky notes and what not.
I am not 21 anymore. I can not stay out drinking until 3 am and expect to function the next day. Also….it hurts more when you puke after a night out like that.
Also…when you get that drunk please make someone keep you out of the bathroom so you don’t tell anyone and everyone that “THIS is what happens to your boobs when you have kids.” Ouch.
It is a bad idea to ask the pit boss of the casino you are partying at if she happens to have a breast pump you can borrow, while you gamble.
It is a worse idea to take someones cigarette from them and put it out on a table cloth.
It is an even worse idea to give someone as drunk as me a flaming dr pepper!
I’ve moved on to full mom bag status. I now have a bag big enough to fit all of my stuff, my kids stuff, and even a kid if I wanted. In fact. I’m pretty sure I could put Codi in my new bag. (Note to self try that tonight with camera handy)
Codi is getting too smart. He just found my stash of donuts, grabbed the last one, took the wrapper and ran over and put it in the trash. What a tidy little boy. Well, tidy if you don’t count the 300 toys scattered around my office right now.
Cute button up flannel shirts are a great way to hide a muffin top if you had one. Not saying I have one, but if I did I would probably wear a cute button up flannel shirt to work.
(the only known picture of April and I out the other night…I refuse to show you the other pictures of me and strangers because I don’t look so hot)
And finally I present to you the text messages I sent to my cousin and Ginger.
SO! That just about sums up my night ehh? To answer your questions, no I never got the tacos I was so craving…I got a sandwich at home instead, that the next morning I discovered I had thrown all over the floor seconds before I crawled upstairs to puke.
My favorite part of the night was my husband pulling my hair back in a hair tie, rubbing my back, bringing me a blankie and informing me my boobs were leaking…and never once did he gag as I puked up sammich and pizza!
I just turned on Noggin to hear the Boinga song. Noooooo please tell me this isn’t back. If you want to hear the Boinga song and entertain your baby for hours go to you tube and type in BOINGA. You will thank me later when you are Boingaing in your sleep!
Breakfast: One perfect piece of toast. One toasted NYC everything bagel with extra lots of cream cheese. A Venti Raspberry vanilla latte from Peet’s WITH ALL THE FAT! Biscuits and gravy (no sausage) and Five scones from Bread and Ink in Oregon. Clementine oranges. One more bagel. My breakfast potatoes.
Lunch: One perfect egg salad sandwich on brand new fresh Wonder Bread. Two Jimboys bean tacos. Dark chocolate caramel fredo from Peets. A whole can of Fritos jalapeno cheddar sauce and a bag of blue corn chips. Watermelon. Seven slices of NYC pizza. An avocado. A soy bacon BLT on Wonder bread with extra mayo.
Dinner: A Capresé salad from here. Basil Parmesan mashed potatoes from Dolcé. A very large bowl of Oriental flavored ramen. Cous Cous with butter and Parmesan. The chef salad from the Sandwich Board, sans meat. An artichoke as big as my head. A giant loaf of fresh baked bread. Pesto gnocchi. Spinach artichoke dip as an appetizer. My home made pico de gallo with avocado with chips.
Desert: Chocolate cake with chocolate ganaché. Two scoops of Love Potion #39 from Baskin Robbins. Petite fours. Good amaretto on the rocks. One large bar of Scharffen Berger chocolate. Fresh brownie ends. Chocolate fondu. Six S’mores.
So. That is all I can come up with for now. I am now pretty fucking starving. I’m going to go eat…nothing, cuz I have none of the above at my house.
(The biscuits & gravy from Bread and Ink: Biscuits and Gravy – A fresh baked Biscuit smothered with vegetarian Herb Gravy, Italian Sausage and Tillamook Cheddar Cheese. Served with two Eggs any style. 8.50)
Tomorrow morning when you wake up you will discover that the FDA has discovered a new way of eating. All of the world will survive on nothing but pills. We will gain all nutrition from that. You have. You have one day left of eating real normal food. What do you pick?
I will answer this all for you too. So far, as silly as it seems I know two things. One, I would have to have some sort of Everything bagel toasted with extra plain cream cheese from the bagel store down the street from me. Scratch that, I would fly to NYC for an everything bagel and extra plain cream cheese! Also…I would need some sort of potato…preferably a large one…with cheese and chives and sour cream.
I will work on my final list tonight and give you my final meal tomorrow. But how about you. Please tell me, if today was your last day to eat what would you eat for your final, Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner and of course Dessert?
P.S. for this one day you have UNLIMITED stomach capacity!