I just arrived back from an over night trip to San Francisco. It was supposed to be a two night trip however we left a day late due to the DYING THING! Our plan was to leave yesterday at 8am. So, at 8am I rolled out of bed. At 8:01 am I rolled back into bed and pretended I was not awake. I finally dragged my ass downstairs. I came down and laid down next to Rob on the couch whining. He informed me it was time to get ready. So I marched right upstairs and got back in bed. Rob = not impressed. I laid there while he packed and then after her gave me a look that said, “get your shit together now woman” I got up, snuck into the guest bedroom and got in that bed!
After 10am we finally left.
I spent most of the time in San Francisco laying on the futon pouting about my terrible vertigo, and gagging. Every time I cough it makes me want to puke. The vertigo feels similar to being drunk off vodka. Because being drunk off vodka is much different then, say, wine. It feels kind of like I’m a ticking crash bomb waiting to happen. Meaning at any second I’m going to crash into a wall, or a chair, or….a Christmas tree.
I also spent a good amount of time fixated on one a half hairs I forgot to shave. Not just this once either, I’ve obviously forgotten to shave these bad boys for a good month or so. One of them I must have half shaved about 3 weeks ago because it is just a weeeee bit shorter. SEE! FIXATED.
This morning I woke up and remembered that I can’t hock a loogie. Which is all fine because I am a lady y’all. However, when I’m sick, and I wake up and cough up some shit because I’m such a lady I have no choice but to swallow it because home girl don’t know how to hack that shit up! Instead, I cough and cough some more, till I choke on it. Then, of course I swallow it and then get a look on my face like….well, like someone who just swallowed a fucking loogie!
We drove home and in an effort to keep Rob awake we played taboo from my cellphone. It was a lot of me saying, “okay babe it’s like that thing, that’s, you know (insert hand gesture here).” Which led him to say, “I’m driving I can’t see you.” So obviously I would just shove my hands closer into his face and say “LIKE THIS!”
Describing Dennis Rodman (can’t say basketball, his team name, nose ring or…something else)
Me: He’s that gay bouncyball player who was married to Carmen Electra
Rob: Bouncy ball?
Rob: Who was married to her, he’s gay?
Me: Well he’s something, but he ain’t straight…he’s ummm, got one of these (points to nose ring)
Rob: Oh oh oh um uh ooo ooo ooo
Me: Umm, it is like your name with a “D”
Rob: Dod, dod, dob, bod,
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW
Rob: oooooo Rod
Me: Yeah and your another word for a guy
Rob: Rodman Rodman yeah RODMAN shit whats his name
Me: It’s like your Uncle
Rob: (names every uncle but the one named Dennis)
Me: Are you really fucking serious?
Rob: OOooo Dennis Rodman…oh yeah he is sooo not straight.
Me: That took to long.
Or, describing “Special Olympics”
Me: OO OO IT’S SOMETHING YOU COULD DO
Rob: Be amazing
Rob: Be awesome
Rob: Be the best
Me: NO Umm, there’s these five little ring things
Rob: I soooo could not be in the Olympics
Me: You could be in this kind
Me: You know, think, like important
Rob: THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS…THAT’S NOT NICE!
Anyway we are home now. I’m still dying. To make things better I’m also on my period. So I’m dying and hemorrhaging all at once. I feel like I have a mixture of the flu with a side of DEATH ON TOAST. I said that this morning while eating Robs aunts pancakes and she asked me if that meant I wanted toast?
Did I tell y’all that I puked on myself the other night? Yeah. I was peeing and realized I had to pee. I reached over and grabbed the trash but I vomited so much and so fast I puked more on myself then in the trash. All over my clean new pants, my socks, the toilet mat, the floor, the toilet, the cabinets and the trash. Can you believe I missed that bad? It was so embarrassing. I went into the bathroom fully clothed and came walking out in nothing but my underwear and shirt. Rob probably thought I shit myself or something. I told him later how I puked on myself and he said he’s never done that, he usually turns around and just pukes in the toilet. I almost died. Could you imagine, you just went potty, then you turn around and puke and the potty water splashes out on you? OH HELL NO! Especially because I know men only sit when they poop. Oh yeah I’m going to make myself sick in a minute.
Needless to say this week has not been good. Also I don’t know how many more times I can go potty without Rob figuring out that I might be (pooping). He asked me the other day if I was and I replied ” I WILL SO NEVER EVER EVER TALK TO YOU ABOUT POOPING!
So, if my husband asks I’m just going pee a lot okay!