Idiot proof

The other night I went to Babies R Us with Katie. While shopping I noticed the Nuby Sippy cups I had been wanting to try out for Codi. Tossed some in the cart, grabbed some apple juice and other “necessary” items and off we went. 20 minutes later I finally left the parking lot. Why? Because that is how long it took me to open the goddamn fucking packing on the new slut cups. Seriously. I tried everything. I tried chewing through it. Sawing the plastic with my keys. Prying it with my fingers (hello paper cut thanks for that). NOTHING. Finally I bent one of the little handles and that bitch popped out. I was so fucking mad. The whole time I was fussing with it I was on the phone with my mom who clearly thought I was in some sort of bad mood. Which, I WAS BECAUSE HELLO THEY ADULT PROOFED MY FUCKING SIPPY CUP. You know, I get child proofing things, but seriously what is the fucking point of adult proofing shit? I mean, really how much can an adult woman injure herself with a goddamn cup?

In other news I’m baby sitting Katies baby Dylan until April. he is a good baby. Like a really good baby. The only time he ever cries is when he is hungry. And then, whoah, he’s a good cryer, tears and all but we barely even see him cry since we have this whole breast milk thawing thing down to a science. We keep water boiling on low and then pour it over the milk baggie in a bowl and about 14 seconds later we have a bottle. Since Dylan wakes up all smiley we usually have plenty of time to make a bottle before he even gets mildly annoyed. Anyway the point is, today I’m home with both of them instead of at work. Why? Because Codi is still being a fucking demon spawn and cries if he can’t see me, or if the wind blows wrong. Well today they are in a farting competition. Every ten seconds one of them farts. Codi is adding some flair by doing a squat fart or a kick fart. Either way it stinks and someone bring me a gas mask k! Did I mention that Katies child is a tank? He can go through 20 oz of milk from 11am until 4pm AND STILL BE HUNGRY. We call him tank, or moose. Y’all his thighs are almost as big as mine. I have been watching him for 3 weeks now and I am still not exactly sure how many thigh rolls he has. Either way he is really good and I love watching him…minus the farting part.

(Dylan looks this happy ALL THE TIME PEOPLE)

Oh and then there is this. This is portraits of a SUCKER!

Normally Brandon eats hot lunch at school. This is because his first teacher suggested doing what other kids did so he didn’t feel left out. Only, now at his new school all the kids pack lunch. So, this week we have been packing lunch. My mom said she was running to Walmart and asked if I needed anything. I asked for some Strawberries for Brandons lunch. She came home with this.

Yes. Those are tiny bags of tiny marshmallows. They come in regular, strawberry or chocolate. And yes those are tiny bags of Dora cookies and I swear don’t even get me started on the fruit roll ups and scooby snacks. This is a dieters nightmare, which I assume is why she came home with 100 calorie packs for me too. She said that Papa and Brandon got a little crazy in the snack isle. A LITTLE CRAZY, MY GOD THEY BOUGHT THE WHOLE DAMN STORE! Can’t take those two anywhere, and my mom totally lets them get away with it too!

I for see a lot of fighting going on at lunch time now. I mean seriously, imagine being the kid whose mom packed some shitty sandwich and chips and then looking over into Brandon’s lunch box. Today he had organic Bernie O’s in his little crayola thermos. Organic milk in his favorite cup. Organic string cheese. Gogurt in cotton candy blue flavor (can’t all be organic right). Mini chocolate marshmallows and fresh cut strawberries. This week he has had spaghetti, mini pancakes with syrup for dipping, sliced cheeses, etc. I am dreading the first time some kid sees Dora cookies in Brandon’s lunch box and tries to trade him for shitty carrot sticks or something.

And finally. This weeks theme at school was dental hygiene. So for show and tell Brandon brough each of his friends two of his favorite flossers. Pink and orange for girls and blue and green for boys, all bagged up pretty. My mom and him bought and bagged these last night while I stayed home dealing with the SCREAM MONSTER!

I’m very tired because Codi didn’t go to bed until 3:20 this morning. Then at 3:27 my goddamn cell phone rang. They left a message that consisted of dead air. I made Rob go get my phone because Codi had just passed out on me. He got it and I was so fucking mad to find out I didn’t know who it was and their message was fake. Dude, if you are going to call me at 3:30 in the fucking morning you better be dying or well, DYING! Codi woke up every half hour after that so I’m tired and this post is probably full of grammatical errors.

P.S. while I was typing this Dylan blew out his diaper and pooped all the way up to his armpits (serious) and all over his clothes! That’s what I get for saying how good he was.

10 thoughts on “Idiot proof

  1. They bought all that stuff…and NO strawberries? Heh. That is what happens when my mom goes shopping for the kids. Snack food galore! I love, love, love those Dora animal crackers. If you know what is good for you then DO NOT TRY THEM!!!!!!


  2. I love the portraits of a sucker! Your mom must seriously just love being grandma to those two little boys! And I know that Papa doesn\’t spoil him at all…I mean gosh he border line neglects those boys right…NOT!!! Lucky lucky boys…they have a wonderful family to raise them 🙂


  3. you intertain me in my morning hours of not being able to sleep in my miserable state of pregnancy(ness). You crack me up and I would have probuly thrown those cups, things like that make me so mad and I hate losing my temper but it happens, to me, often, especially these days when I cant even walk without peeing a little!


  4. Grandparents ROCK. Oh wait, I\’m supposed to sympathize with you and not be happy for the kiddos! lol.Just kidding. Seriously… that\’s crazy! But that\’s what it looks like when my hubby grocery shops. lol.And dang! Blew out a diaper and all the way to his armpits???


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