Sleep has been weird since I started my medicine. I am able to sleep better, for longer stretches but I dream. Not just any dreams, very detailed dreams. Dreams that sometimes are just weird and nonsensical and dreams that sometimes are too real, too much that I have to wake up. I have a hard time falling asleep, but tylenol PM helps with that. My problem is the dreams. Sometimes my dreams are so busy I have to wake up because my head can’t handle it.
You know. My biggest problem when I’m awake is my mind running. So to start having that problem at night IS NOT OKAY. Last night I woke up every single half hour for no reason. I would just sit up, look outside and wonder why in the fuck I was up. The night before I had a dream that lasted hours. It wouldn’t go away and I woke up trying to determine what was a dream and what was reality.
I’ve had something on my mind lately and it is consuming it. It is the thought of rekindling a friendship with someone from my past. We have both been talking about it with a mutual friend but have yet to speak. Just thinking about this person makes my mind spin. I’m 0-2 on the whole rekindling friendship things. The last two people I reconnected with turned out to be back stabbing, hypocritical assholes, who never thought to look in the mirror before they judged me. But they say the third time is the charm right?
I have a lot on my mind lately. I’ve had one of those, "snap" moments where everything in my head just kind of snaps and I’m flooded with thoughts and memories. Saturday I woke up, it was my husbands day to sleep in so I took the boys to the store so he could have some quiet. I felt it coming on before I even got to the store. The crushing feeling. We got there and the boys acted like, well boys. They didn’t do anything really wrong, just got on my nerves and in the end I left so agitated. I got in the car and since I knew Rob was still sleeping I began driving. This is not okay for me. Since I could drive the car has been an unsafe place for my head. I don’t exactly know why, but I swear I’ve cried more tears in my car then I have anywhere else in my life. Something about being alone, something about my ipod always knowing just the wrong song to play, and my incapability to turn it off.
So what I did is start driving old paths I used to when I was in school. Back when I was my most fucked up. I started driving past memories and suddenly it hit. I was having what I think was my first panic attack in a very long time. My lungs felt crushed, my heart felt like it was stopping, I couldn’t breath and I just wanted to scream and cry and totally lose it. I pulled over, in a place flooded with memories and started to journal. What I’m about to share with you is from my journal. Totally unedited. I do this so you can see my thoughts, see how jumbled they are, how little sense I make, and to let you in my head.
“Something strange about a blank page. Makes your mind blank to. I just went to the store with the kids. Brandon was awful. He wouldn’t listen at all. I left feeling defeated and angry. Why is he so calm and well behaved with Rob? I got in the car and just drove. Up Mt. Rose. Take a right on Thomas Creek. Head to Zolezzi Lane and there it is. The church we used to spin brodies in. The familiar streets. Broilei where Mikey lived, Creek Water where Munns lived. The street Katie and I got pulled over on chasing Robbie in his VW. Suddenly the panic filled me. The crushing feeling. Something about driving has always done that to me. I have too much time to think. My ipod always knows just what to play to make it worse and you can bet I won’t change the song. The anxiety in my head is deafening. I can barely breath. Sometimes my emotions just crush me. I’m in the church parking lot right now and Brandon won’t listen. I’ve told him three times to stop pulling the stuffing fro Codi’s chare and he ignores me. I’m sad. I want to drive to Gray eagle and dive off the rocks like I used to with the guys. Feel uninhibited. But moms don’t do that. They don’t take risks.
I pulled over to write this. To remember how I feel. Like I want to get out in scream. The anxiety is awful. My heart gets tight. I cant breath. I want to cry.
I bet I cried in cars more then any other place in my life. To much time to think. To many options. Just keep driving. I could drive hours right now and clear my head, cry it out, move on.
I’m resisting every urge to spin Brodies in this parking lot. In my husbands car. But my kids are in here and moms don’t do that. They drive home, unpack the groceries and paste on a smile like it is all going to be okay.”
Which is what I did. I drove home. Brought in the groceries and went about my day. It was hard to keep a happy face on the rest of the day. Hard not to just crumble into my husband and admit I had lost at that day. I had lost the battle with my head. Looking back, Brandon wasn’t even bad. He was actually really good at the store, minus pulling a few things off the shelf and then wanting to put them back while I wanted to walk. In fact thee was nothing wrong with him, only with me.
I dropped him and Codi off with my parents later that day and the crushing feeling didn’t go away. I wanted to get them back. To tell Brandon I’m sorry. I’m sorry I fail him so much. That I lose patience. That I can’t always smile. Sorry that I had to pull over and let the panic wash over me before I could drive again. I want to tell him every day, that no matter how crazy I am now I love him. Some days, I am happy that kids his age are resilient. It makes me have hope knowing that if I can pull it together soon enough he may never have memories of a mom who would lose herself now and then.
I’m feeling lost right now. Thinking of old places I’ve been, old friends, who I was is conflicting. I’m planning a trip with Rob to Oregon soon. As soon as our tax refund hits our bank I will buy the tickets. I am hoping those four days of nothing but him and I, good food and sleep will help me. Will pull me out. Something has to. Tomorrow is six weeks on my medication and I still don’t know if it is working. I’ll keep going until I find a doctor though and figure it out then.
I’m sorry if none of this makes sense. It doesn’t make sense in my own head. If you think i’m rambling here, you should see the rambling in my mind.
I’m tired. I need a nap. I need a good nights sleep, dream free. I need less stress in my life. I need a lot right now. I need to stop thinking about my asshole family and my financial situation and the stack of papers at my house that need sorting and my weight, and……I just need to stop thinking. My mind needs a nap.