Went shopping today. While I would love to tell you how I got $130.00 in groceries for $50.00 I am going to tell you how going shopping with boys is a fucking retarded idea and unless you are the kind of person who likes stabbing yourself in the eye repeatedly with a fork DON’T DO IT!
First we go to Walmart. I didn’t need much so I put Brandon in the front Basket and Codi in the kid basket. Things were okay, mostly because Katie was there to distract them when they got a little too loud. I went there for diapers because they are cheap and I had excellent coupons. After this we traveled to Safeway. I was thrilled because they had a cart with little benches in it so both boys could sit up front while I pushed. This was wonderful. They were both strapped in and being good. What I did not calculate for what the extra foot this added, so when I rammed the cart into a display with glass bottles containing carbonated bright red pomegranate juice I was…a little shocked.
Suddenly I just hear this bottle shatter and fizz and crash with such an immense force. I turn around to see soda fizzing all over and just stop dead in my tracks wondering how in the fuckshit had I just done that.
**GLASS CLEAN UP AT THE END OF ISLE 3**
I was mortified. We continued on shopping and the boys started getting restless. I gave them a little cup of Teddy Grahams and continued walking.
Tink tink tink tink CRASH go the Teddy Grahams and scream scream screech (insert annoying kid noise here) go the kids.
Fuck this time for the big guns! I walk over to the bakery grab two of the most chocolaty donuts I could find and crammed them in their noise holes.
Ahhhh sweet sweet peace!
I finished up and then I ran to Smiths because I had coupons for some stuff and that was the only store that carried a couple items I needed. I toss both boys in the front of the basket this time and off I went. Only problem was, every item I put in the basket Codi found it hilarious to throw out of the basket. Realizing I couldn’t trust my 15 month old with my groceries I strapped his ass back into the child basket. I stop to look at something and then it happened.
I became a mom of two boys.
"Here Codi, take it, now do it do it, go Codi go now"
"ahhahahahahahah you did it Codi."
I turn slowly around just in time to see Brandon pick up another item hand it to Codi and then again whisper, "do it Codi, throw it."
That little fucker. He was egging Codi on. And I’ll be damned if Codi didn’t up and start understanding English and throw that shit on the ground. Then, both boys broke out in a fit of giggles.
(Insert angry mom with hands on her hips and sour face here.)
"Brandon, stop giving him stuff you guys are mashing things."
Off we go.
"Shhhhh here Codi, k NOW THROW IT."
No they didn’t. In a flash I had become a mom of boys. Boys who were working together to team up against me. In their mind it was silly pranks in my mind those little shits had just smashed my bread on the floor. Two boys. Two mischievous little boys. BOYS.
This continued for about 10 minutes until Brandon discovered a new hobby.
I don’t know how he heard it or learned it but suddenly in the loudest, dorkiest, most obnoxious three year old voice ever he started shouting (and I mean shouting like there was free chocolate)
SALE ON ISLE TWO
SALE ON ISLE TWO
SALE ON ISLE TWO
The more I asked him to stop the louder he got and the louder Codi laughed. I was too far from the donuts, my patience were wearing thin and these two showed no signs of needed a nap so I gave in, waved my white flag, surrendered and just went home.
13 seconds before I got home they both fell into a peaceful slumber that lasted exactly as long as it took me to get them in the house.
Saturday morning grocery shopping with boys, add that to the list of things I will never do again right next to give up chocolate and throw away shoes!