From my journal
For as long as I can remember that has defined me. My passion for cooking. A rigid knife. I always loved wusthoff. After all my grandpa told me they made the best knife. And since for the longest time my grandpa hung the moon when it came to cooking why wouldn’t I believe him?
Came a note in my inbox one day. to quote, "everything starts and ends with Shun." Could it be? Could this acquaintance be right. Was there something better out there then what I had always known? I drove to Williams Sonoma and wanted to try it out, but they aren’t’ very customer friendly so I let it go and forgot.
Shun, Shun, Shun. It kept nagging my mind. My grandpa had always used Wusthoff. I could remember him telling the story of Wusthoff and Henckle being brothers, they got in a fight and separated, creating two different companies. One was superior, Wusthoff. He knew all about the knife why wouldn’t I trust him?
Yesterday Ginger and I took a cooking class and there it was. The Shun 7" Hollow ground santuko. I asked Laura the instructor if I could try it. I picked it up and it fit my hand the way my favorite pair of jeans always fit. I knew right away I was going to abandon all I had ever known. That possibly the reason my grandpa spent his life miserably fighting with his family was his fear of change. I wasn’t following him. If it felt good why wouldn’t I do it.
So I bought it. Brought it home and set it on my counter and it felt…right. It felt like home. And for the first time in ages I felt like maybe change was good. Maybe leaving my comfort zone is what I’ve needed. It’s silly but I felt like this decision solidified my decision to separate from my grandpa. Suddenly his story meant more. He was Wusthoff and I was Shun. We disagreed and separated and I rose to be superior, happier, more free, clear minded, where I belonged.
It’s silly how a small change makes you feel you can change more. On my way to Raleys today the I found myself driving the same road that only two weeks ago had sent me spiraling. Half way up Arrowcreak I felt it. The tightening, the clenching, the signs of a panic attack. Then I thought of the fresh limes,cilantro, ripe tomatoes and red fresno peppers in my trunk. The freshest foods in my trunk waiting to go to my house. To be made into dinner.
The red fresno. Not a jalapeno. At Whole Foods earlier I had made a choice, to step away from my usual jalapeno and try something different.
I had choices. I could keep heading up this road, find myself in tears, angry and crying or I could turn left, go to Raleys, but the rest of my ingredients and go home to my new knife. Make my fresh meal for my family and laugh and relax.
I had the choice.
I thrust the wheel to the left and I’m writing from the Raleys parking lot. Today for the first time in 10 years I chose to rise above it. I chose to follow my heart. I chose to believe change is good. I’m choosing to let go. To sever old ties. To move on. To see I might be stronger letting go of the ties that used to bind me. Walking away from the familiar and stepping out into the open.
Today when I pick up that knife and slice into that lime I’m going to breath.
Yes. Today I am going to breath."
To see what I made for dinner that night, click here
Two days later, the though of seeing my grandpa at an upcoming family even this weekend inspired the next entry. I was interrupted by a doctor appointment.
"I’m going to break. I can’t do this today. Today was supposed to be good, happy, fun. Not like this. Not like hands are clamping down on my heart making my blood slow. The heat is taking over my body. The anger, the hurt, the sadness of the upcoming weekend, having to see them. These people who discarded me. Who blew off my kids, who played games with me and my children. The anger that I’m expected to play nice. It hurts that I have to pretend to be okay. I am not okay, I am mad."
Then the doctor walked in. I had so much more I wanted to write that day. So much more about how upset I am that my grandparents both chose to blow of my childs 3rd birthday because they didn’t want to see my mom and fight with her. Yet they have the audacity to come to their other grandchilds birthday knowing my mom will be there. Knowing I will be there. As if they enjoy shoving it in my face that they chose another side. That they are playing the same head games they always have. The game of who do I love more this week. I’m angry that my children will see them and recognize them and want to say hi to them not knowing they are saying hi to the same people who tried to use them as a pawn in their game. I’m upset about it all. However, I am satisfied I made the choice to walk away from them. To never let the legacy of games continue. To be strong enough to say NO! NOT THIS TIME. This time you will not fuck with my children the way you fucked with me so many years. You will not use my children like pawns in the little board game of life you are playing. I love my kids more then that. I love them to much to ever see them go through what I went through. To go through not being allowed to go to grandpas house because he wasn’t speaking to my side of the family this week and therefor not speaking to me, an innocent child. My kids will never have to worry about trying to befriend grandpa while fearing the rest of the family will be mad because this week they were the hated ones. There will be no head games over money, wills, possessions and love. My childrens birthdays will never again be filled with that uncomfortable feeling of who isn’t speaking to who. It will be love, happiness and joy. A celebration as it should be.
The stress of this coming weekend is ripping me apart. Having to see these two people. Who are coming for no reason other then to send me a big fuck you. Who suddenly use pictures of their other grandchild as an avatar on their yahoo to cram it in my face. Who suddenly want to be involved in lives they previously had no investment in, unless it was to trash them, and bash them and beat them down.
Suddenly I am expected to go there and look them in the eye and not boil over with rage.
I am a bigger person though. I respect the birthday, and the celebration. I love my niece. I love seeing my son play with her. I will go, I will be bigger then them, I will not blow off my niece because of trivial family games the way they did to me.
I will go. But I will hate them every second of the day.