A text conversation via my husband and I
(First you should know he just had new black rims put on his car. He loves his car. I think his chain of love goes:
Me: Promise not to yell at me
Me: I drove over a curb pulling into my drs office. But I don’t think I hurt anything. Please don’t get mad
Me: K going into dr
(At this point I am aware he is not responding because he is driving at work. So I keep pushing)
Me: I don’t see any scratches or anything so I think it’s okay. I’m so short in your car I didn’t even see the corner
Husband: WTF Shannon. How fast were you going!?! Dammit Shannon. That fucks up alignment and bends rims
(I’m now in the doctors office waiting room and I bust out in full laughter. I’m at the shrink, apparently laughter is not welcome in the waiting room…I keep pushing)
Me: No it doesn’t look bent. Or even scratched just the tire is a little scuffed.
(I am smart, I know exactly what to say to get to him)
Husband: Out of all the times to do shit you wait for me to get new rims unti you hit curbs. That’s really not cool.
Me: Please don’t yell I didn’t mean to
Me: I was just rushing to get here and just turned to quick
(I knew this would REALLY piss him off, he always says I drive his car too fast)
Husband: Yeah that’s why I’m upset. I know you weren’t going slow around the turn
Me: I’m sorry please don’t be mad I said sorry
THEN I CLEARLY TYPE OUT THE FOLLOWING TEXT
Me: Happy April 1 (with 4 red exclamation points a heart, a happy face emoticon laughing so hard he is crying a kissy face emoticon and 6 more hearts)
COULD I HAVE BEEN ANY MORE CLEAR?
Husband: (Clearly too pissed to notice what I just wrote) Shannon the reason I’m mad is becuz I know how you drive and I know that you weren’t going slow around the turn. And for you to say you were rushing makes it even worse. If ur late then ur late. No point in driving faster becuz thats when shit happens just like that.
(I’m in doctors so I don’t reply)
Husband: You ignoring me now?
I get out of the doctor and I’m laughing so hard because I know he has now sat there for a full hour and a half and stewed on the fact that I just fucked up his precious car! So I call him.
Me: (stifling laughter): Are you still mad
Husband: Yes, what
Me: Ummm, you know when I wrote happy April 1 that meant April Fools right?
Husband: Oh fuck you! I have to go. You suck. BYE
Husband: Ha ha. F u!! Joking about my car is like joking about our kids!! YOU DON’T DO IT!! Good one though
Me: I’ve been laughing so hard
Husband: Not cool I’ve been cussing you out so much to my friend that helped me on that run I hate you.
Me: I am champion
Me: I’m, so awesome awesome. I’m so awesome awesome. You know Elliots (from Scrubs) I told you so dance, I’m doing that but saying I’m so awesome. Seriously laughing so hard I am the master.
Husband: yeah yeah yeah
Me: Still laughing
Husband: grrrr I’m still mad at you thinking you hit a curb
Me: I’m walking on air I’m laughing so hard. I really expected YOU of all people to know I was April fooling you
Husband: Yeah but when you say something happened to my car or our kids I don’t care what date it is I totally spaced the date
Me: LAUGHING MY ASS OFF EMOTICON
Husband: GIANT FIST PUNCHING EMOTICON along with F U!
Husband: Poop emoticon
Me: Kissy face, still laughing babe
Did I gloat enough? I’m really not sure. I think I should gloat some more today. I am so proud of myself. I am thrilled. He always always fucks with me and this time I got him. GOOD TOO! I am a master!
He always says when he stops picking on me I’ll know he stopped loving me, so babe, I got you good enough you should know ME STILL LOVE YOU LONG TIME!