I’ve come to conclude after picking up cocoa crispies off the floor for the 17th time this morning (no exaggeration) and sweeping up toast crumbs and banana mush twice this morning that in MY HEAVEN THERE WILL BE NO GODDAMN FUCKING CRUMBS!

None!  Floors will always be spotless.  So clean you could eat off them.  Only you would never have to eat off them because no food would ever touch them.  Floors would have a built in cleaning mechanism.  As soon as food fell POOF it would just vanish into the magic heaven recycle bin.

Sunday night I vacuumed.  I have hardwood but I often vacuum because one of my OCD things is that floors must not only be clean but the edges, under furniture, in corners, etc.  So I use my little hose attachment on my Dyson and suck everything up.  Anyway.  Sunday I vacuumed.  So you can imagine that yesterday only ONE day later when I vacuumed again and found a half full canister of shit how annoyed I was.  How on earth do these guys do it?  How are kids so fucking messy?  It is like exude crumbs and spills from their pores.  Anyway I got everything all vacuumed while dinner was cooking and wouldn’t you know right after dinner I had to get my little hand broom and sweep all the shit under the table because 30% of what Brandon eats jumps on the floor magically some how.  I swept under him and moved to the other side of the table.  Put the broom away and turned to see that Brandon had just mutilated a brownie in the very spot I had just cleaned.

I think I developed a nervous twitch in the moment.  I got everything good and cleaned one last time.  While they were in the bath (Rob was watching them) I lugged the vacuum upstairs and cleaned the entire upstairs floor.  I left it up there because I got Codi dressed after that and then put him to bed. 

So you can imagine that this morning when I watch Codi leave a trail of cocoa crispies every where, and then leave a second trail where I just cleaned, and Brandon is dismantling toast on to my floor and mush bananas are some how magically falling on the floor (because Brandon swears he isn’t doing it) how annoyed I am.  The broom is fine for small messes but not trails of cocoa crispies.  The vacuum is way up there and my sanity is way past okay.  In my heaven I wouldn’t even need a Dyson because there would be no goddamn fucking messes on the floor.

What will be in your heaven?

3 thoughts on “Heaven

  1. Hmmm… my heaven would be that the laundry puts itself away (in the right places!) after I wash and fold it. Also that the baseboards and walls were self cleaning. Those are the chores that I HATE. I don’t have kids, so how the heck are there always handprints and smudges ON THE WALLS?!?!?!?


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