As you can see I spent the day cleaning. A lot. I spent my night cleaning too. I vacuumed twice today and I have hard wood. One room has carpet and I have one small area rug. I vacuum the wood though, In the corners, under tables, all the edges, etc. The past two weeks I have encountered days where I have vacuumed my house 7 -10 times a day. I’ve been trying to do dishes daily. Trying to keep up on laundry. Today I went crazy organizing things and I kept going into the night. I’m constantly walking around after the kids picking things up. After dinner I did the dishes, scrubbed my stove and counters, and cleaned some other things up.
It’s getting out of hand. I haven’t seen my doctor in two weeks, I missed one appointment when Brandon projectile vomitted on me, Codi, the couch, floors, carpet, table and my Macbook. The other time was because I had a dinner date with my cousin and her husband and daughter. One of the things he pointed out though is that it seemed like my OCD has gotten progressively worse over time as opposed to getting better. That is how I feel now. Like I’m getting more crazy instead of less crazy. Daily life is feeling overwhelming.
My house is very clean but I can’t enjoy it because I keep finding something wrong. That is how I feel about myself. I may be doing good but I could probably do better. My diet went to shit, my exercise went to shit, my parenting is turning to shit. I feel like I’m turning to shit.
I’m exhausted. I’m not sleeping again. I am afraid to take the sleeping medicine the doctor gave me because I don’t want to become dependent. We file our bankruptcy tomorrow and I have none of the paperwork in order. I’m still doing the envelope system and I hate not having money. Seems like everything awesome is suddenly being made now that I’m broke. Suddenly shoes are cute, house stuff is pretty, face wash is working but it’s too expensive, good summer foods are out but I can’t afford them. I hate being poor.
I’ve started to feel like I’m not enough lately. Like I’m letting people down. Inadequate is the word that comes to mind. I want to be more, better, thinner, healthier, happier, and calmer. i want my head to stop spinning. I want the constant motion in my mind to be still. I want to meditate in the silence.
I am exhausted.
I need to get better. Feel better. BE BETTER.