I’ve been sort of quiet on here lately. I’m going through some stuff in my head and I guess I feel like there is only so much I can whine about it to all of you. My therapist and I were discussing strategies to help me during high anxiety situations. In the middle of it I stopped and told him, i feel like lately I’ve been getting sucked back into the hole. I noticed just 10 days ago I was on a high cleaning spree, on top of the chores, on top of my parenting. Suddenly I noticed a change. Doing laundry is like pulling teeth. Vacuuming? Who ME? how is it, my most favorite thing this week has suddenly become something I can’t even stomach doing.
I am supposed to practice doing things I know I will enjoy even if it seems impossible to do it. I am supposed to practice stepping out of the situation and looking at it as if I’m only watching it. So far tonight I have practiced eating ice cream with chocolate chips on it.
That is something else I haven’t spoke about in a while. My diet. Or lack there of. My lack of exercise. My lack of giving a shit about much of anything lately. I haven’t talked about it because I got really sick of two certain skinny ass bitches criticizing my struggle with weight. I always find it amusing when someone who has never had an issue with weight feels like they are entitled to judge. Kind of like people with out kids pretending they know the first fucking thing about parenting. The truth is I can’t find it in myself to care about dieting right now. The weight gain depresses me, but the depression cycles around and makes me eat more, makes me more lethargic, makes me feel more like a failure.
I am supposed to document my struggles with parenting. The moments when I lose it for no reason. My therapist suggested I document it here. PS, he sometimes reads, WAVE HI TO MY SHRINK! I guess that means I should document tonight. I got in an angry place. It might have stemmed from an argument I had with Rob before he left, but I somehow doubt it since I was in a shit ass mood before I even walked in the door. I feel sick, my stomach hurts, I’m cranky for no reason and then BAMN life hit me in the face.
Rob left for softball and Brandon just started poking the beast. Poke poke poke and before I knew it I was on fire. i was yelling to yell. I tried to step outside myself but I couldn’t beat it. Finally I went upstairs and helped Brandon get in bed so we could both have some alone time. Now I’m down here feeling sad at how I handled it all and so the cycle continues.
My final issue right now is my performance at work. I fucked up last week. Not a little one. Not the usual where I spell repalce instead of replace or funrace instead of furnace. Nope I made a good one. Simply because my brain isn’t there. My brain isn’t anywhere. I’m not enjoying cooking anymore. I’m not enjoying much of anything and my head feels almost empty while simultaneously overloaded. I haven’t filled out a lick of paperwork for the bankruptcy, and I can’t even remember simple conversations from this week. I don’t like making mistakes. I like feeling powerful, I like feeling in control, having my shit together. I like knowing I’m irreplaceable, knowing what I do matters. I do not like fucking up.
I’ve also noticed myself pulling back lately from friends. When Katie told me that the cabin in Tahoe fell through for the weekend I was thrilled because cabin, Tahoe, that meant PEOPLE and PEOPLE scare me, I don’t want to be around people. People be gone! I feel like sitting at home with a blanket, some cough medicine and a soft pillow. I don’t want to clean, or organize, or do laundry or worry I want to do NOTHING. Well, maybe do nothing while I read a book and sip some ice tea.
I’ve noticed, doing NOTHING is impossible now that I have kids and I’m expected to be an adult. How can I do nothing while most of the world is doing something?
My head needs a break. I need a new psychiatrist. I need the time to pass quicker between now and the time when my medications are at the right dosage. I need…peace!