I just wrote this post. It was beautiful. Then I hit refresh, and since my new blog format doesn’t auto save the whole fucking thing was gone. I’m pretty fucking pissed. Here is my redo, it won’t be as great as the first because the first was from the heart with no thinking, and this version is the over thought version.
My therapist and I discussed methods of distraction. Things to alleviate some of the stress I feel. Stuff to bring me down. I confessed to him that when I’m in these depressive states I avoid doing things I know will make me happy because I get lost in the emotion of it all. While being depressed is hard when it is happening it is comforting and easy and a place you feel safe. He gave me a list of things to help and I was stunned at how much of those things I did while I was in an up state. Burn candles (Salt City, I always do when I’m up), eat good food (I haven’t felt like cooking at all lately), bring in fresh flowers (last week my flowers died, I threw them out and didn’t replace them, a vast difference from the house full of flowers only weeks ago).
One of the other suggestions was doing something you love. I confessed the only three things I’ve ever consistently loved in my life, reading, cooking and scrapbooking. I also told him that other then Twilight I haven’t read since my kids were born. I haven’t had the time, the interest, the money. I haven’t scrap booked since Brandon was a year and a half old. I still cook, but I haven’t cooked with intense love in well over two months. It is hard to sit down and read when there is always a little person in your lap, someone wanting to turn the pages for you, someone needing more milk, someone with some interruption that must be dealt with now. I left promising my shrink I would try and do something positive.
In my head I knew this would be hard. I was already becoming reclusive. I had already noticed myself pulling back. This time instead of just hiding I came out and told my friends. I’m in hiding, I don’t want to leave my house, I don’t want to do anything LEAVE ME ALONE. Of course I didn’t want to be entirely alone I just don’t want to leave my comfort zone, my home, my chair, my safe spot.
While discussing with Ginger my therapy session, we somehow stumbled on the idea of going to Barnes and Noble.
WAIT? Didn’t you just say you don’t want to leave?
But. There is an exception and Barnes and Noble is it. It is my happy place. A place where I feel understood, relaxed, surrounded by the thing I love the most. We made plans to go Saturday (yesterday). I was giddy with anticipation. I have not been to the bookstore in ages. Sadly probably over a year. I counted the minutes until Saturday at noon. My husband told me I should stay home and rest. I laughed. Silly boy, doesn’t he know there is no place more relaxing then a bookstore?
Ginger and I took off on our mission. We arrived and I suddenly felt powerful and in charge. This was my turf. First we enjoyed lunch, cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory and some coffee and then off we went. We started in new releases, moved to discount books, on to journals (I could go broke in that section alone), up the escalator to teen (shush there are some great books up there), around to biographies, and ran smack into the food section. The two of us spent minutes pouring over picture after picture of cakes and cookies and chocolate. I hungrily flipped through page after page of slow cooker books, of appetizer books, food books, cookbooks, omfg GET ME AWAY FROM THIS SECTION NOW! We stumbled back towards biographies, passed a book dedicated entirely to potatoes, past children’s and over to the bible section. Yes I wanted to purchase a bible. I want to learn about all religions. I hate being the ignorant one in conversations. I want to learn Kabala, Buddhism, all of it.
Before I knew it we were sprawled out in the middle of the isle reading excerpts of our possible candidates to see if we would like them. Neither of us speaking, passing books back and forth, blocking the path for everyone else but we didn’t care this was our store, our place, if you don’t like our mess get out. I imagine we could have stayed there longer if my husband hadn’t called screaming about CRISIS CRISIS THE BOYS…PRIMER…NAKED…PAINT ON “PARTS.” I knew, at that moment how much the book store ha helped. I laughed off the primer. Meh, so what. I wasn’t stressed that Rob was stressed. I didn’t care that I hadn’t done a thing all day, and I didn’t even rush to leave. Ginger and I picked up our final book choices, moseyed back down to the journal area and travel area then meandered over to the magazine area. Finally we checked out. I left the store with my little green bag of gold.
I couldn’t wait to get home and read, but I was smart enough to know I couldn’t read with the kids there. Ginger and I passed time watching a movie and then finally my parents took the boys for the night. I wasted no time grabbing a book and perching in my favorite chair. Four hours later the book was finished. I hadn’t eaten, I didn’t care. I was refreshed. I was hungry for more books. I pulled out another one went upstairs, climbed in bed and read myself to sleep.
This morning I woke up tired. I wanted to sleep more but how could I sleep with more books to be read. I only had a small window of time with out the boys and I wanted to soak up as much of this new found happy pill that I could.
Today I am so revitalized that I am actually looking forward to cooking dinner tonight. To making good food, marinating, having company. I am a little distracted because there are still books over there screaming “you don’t need to clean READ US READ US.” I have to admit it is hard to ignore their screams.
My therapist was right. Forcing myself to do something I love would inevitably make me happy. As much as I tried to hate the book, tried to wallow in my depression I couldn’t. I was lost in the book. Dreaming up characters, following their love story, picturing scenery, smelling the fresh pages, enjoying the noise a hardback book makes when you crack the binding open for the first time. I was drunk with words and pages and books, I was happy, I was distracted.
My husband made a good point, at the rate I read I should really go to the library so I don’t pay as much money. The thought of that got me excited. Going to the library all alone surrounded by free books, oh yes, I could handle that! I can’t wait to go get myself a shiny new library card. Looks like I have plans for next weekend…if I can make it that long!