I feel like the girl on Willy Wonka who ate a blueberry and blew up into a giant blueberry….only, I think I ate a fatberry instead!
Month: June 2009
The good, the bad, and the time I pissed myself
The bad: My husband’s windows are tinted so dark I can’t see when I go around corners at night. I have to roll the fucking window down to make sure I don’t go over a center divider.
The good: My husband’s windows are tinted so dark that at stop lights I can freely pick my nose and know that no one can see me!
The bad: When you are waltzing through the store and you think you have a panty liner on, and you sneeze and pee a little AND THEN realize you aren’t at the end of your period, you are not wearing a panty liner and you just pissed yourself in the middle of CVS.
The good: You just pissed yourself there is no good.
The bad: Realizing you still had ten minutes to wait for your prescription so you had no choice but to walk around with your legs cemented shut so that no one sees your tiny pee stain on your hot pink sweats!
The still bad: Having to drive home in wet undies. So so so so SOOOOO NOT FUN!
The good: Admitting to the internet that I have the bladder of a one year old but getting lots and lots of sympathy chocolate in the mail for it….or, just getting laughed at.
How about a sweet moment between Christy and I, you know the one where she told me I was so short that she would be the Green Giant and I would be Sprout. Sprout. Really. I feel so…Green!
The annoying: When you spend an entire day trying to zip your button fly pants. Every single time I peed last week I had to fumble around for a zipper that didn’t exist, and then undo my top button so I could button the other three buttons. Oy vey.
The good: Going to the farmers market with Katie and finding avocados so good you suspiciously wonder if the little old man selling them didn’t secretly inject them with butter.
The good: Finding the ripest, sweetest juices cantaloupe ever at the same farmers market.
The bad: Realizing you only bought one cantaloupe at the farmers market and will have to spend the entire rest of the weekend remembering that one time you had that great melon.
The good: Learning the term rescue chip: “A rescue chip is the chip you use to fish the bits of the first one that broke apart in the dip.” Man, I use rescue chips all the time because I can not CAN NOT leave a piece of chip behind in the dip, I’m convinced it will mold and turn rotten.
The bad: Realizing you don’t have any chips and dip right at this moment 😦
The bad: Going to Walmart to buy diapers only to find the assholes at Huggies took nearly 20 diapers away from me, but still want to charge me THE SAME FUCKING BULLSHIT PRICE!
The good: Finding the Thomas the Train toddler bedding on clearance for only $5.00 that same trip.
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I hurt my…
Picture it, Reno, 2005 a girl about to have a baby (see how I channel Sophia there). I go to the doctor and find out that my baby is measuring 9.5 pounds. Looks like we are having a C-section. Between my extremely tilted uterus and my massive baby disaster was bound. 4 days later my beautiful 7.2 ounce baby was born. Anyway, the point is. Prior to the C-section I had a pre-op appointment at which I was told to shave near the incision line. I dutifully went home and did a little shaving only to arrive that day and have a nurse lift up my gown, frown and exclaim, "well that just won’t work." Minutes later she is walking back in with a disposable bric razor and she is aiming for my baby maker.
WOAH WOAH WOAH LADY! "where is the shaving cream?"
"Relax, I’ll be done in a second."
The next thing I know this lady is dry bricing my area and I’m wondering how in the fuck this woman has a job.
Fast forward two years. I am 9 months pregnant and set to have my second baby via C-section. Remembering the horror of the time before, and that "incision area" doesn’t just mean that tiny patch below your belly button but the ENTIRE FUN MAKER AREA, I decide I’m going to take matters into my own hands. First, I obviously frantically emailed Amalah. At the time she had another Website that was just for mommy stuff. We all debated about what to do. How do I shave an area I CAN’T EVEN SEE? Finally it was decided. I would use my husbands clippers, it would go faster, and in the end I could just finish it with my razor that had three blades, not one and SHAVING CREAM. Yummy delightful citrus flavored shaving cream.
The night before my C-section arrives and I grab the clippers. At this point I realize it wasn’t a joke, I actually couldn’t see my stuff. No matter how I pulled my belly up I couldn’t see it. No matter how far I bent over I couldn’t see it. I could see my ugly ass thighs but I couldn’t see my "stuff." Suddenly I had an epiphany, THE MIRROR. I plugged my husbands clippers in closer to the full length mirror and was so proud of myself for thinking of this. After getting orientated to the fact that my left hand in real life wasn’t my left hand in the mirror I was on my way. I was going to have the best shaved "area" the doctor had ever C-sectioned! In fact, if they awarded points for clean shaven area I would have all the points, five stars and a cookie.
I only had a small portion of area left when I heard it "cruaoiucsht!"
OUCH SHIT, OUCH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT OUCH OMG
I ran up to the mirror thrust my area forward and discovered I had clipped the wrong area. In fact the clip was closer to the clip – p + t area.
How could this happen? I thought clippers were safe. I mean I know my husbands hair trimmers weren’t meant for that kind of hair but…how? The more I looked the more it bled. I couldn’t finish this way. No way was I letting that murder machine near my lady parts ever again. I shamefully jumped in the shower and got out my Venus razor and set to work.
You know when you nick yourself shaving your legs and the water kind of stings? Well the water really fucking stings when the nick is on your lady parts.
I quickly finished my business, got out of the shower and went to bed hoping to forget it all.
The next day the moment of truth arrived. I was put in my gown, put in bed and told to wait while she got stuff to "clean up my area."
Imagine my surprise when she walked in with an electric razor, and not a dry bric.
At this point I didn’t know what was worse, the electric razor, the bic or being pregnant 9 more years because no one was coming near my stuff with anything sharp again.
19 months later and I still haven’t gotten over the trauma. I have tried to trim my stuff once with an electric razor again. Only I used the longest guard possible so I went from looking like a lazy of the amazon to looking like A LADY OF THE AMAZON.
The worst part of all. A week later, when all was said and done and I removed my tape and my staples were out and I could actually look down and see my junk I realized I was covered in HUNDREDS of little white bumps. Seems all the shaving and bicing and what not had caused the worst case of razor burn ever.
And people wonder why I got my tubs tied. Next time you wonder, just ask the scar on my lady parts, no, not my C-section scar MY OTHER SCAR!
I love debating
Right. So, lets go back to this post, you know the one about Kate spanking her kids. I promised you my opinion and here it is.
First of all. I really thought I hated Kate. This week though I read the People interview with her and I realized it’s not that I hate her, she just really married the wrong guy. Kate with a man more like her wouldn’t have to seem so hard core because she would have someone sharing the rigid strict over bearing scheduling insanity with. I mean, I know if I ever came across a man who understood the importance of having the toilet paper roll face out, well, my husband should be very worried.
That being said, the spanking.
Crissy’s comment hit home the most: "now that i am older all i remember about this that she HIT me. not the lesson or the reason why. "
My husband, as you can tell from the comments believes in spanking. What struck a chord with me about Chrissy’s comment was how often I have asked my husband, "well why did your dad hit you with the belt?" His response every single time has been, "I don’t remember, I’m sure because I was doing something wrong."
Obviously that was a great fucking lesson learned huh? My mom spanked me one time. I remember what I did, not because of the spanking, but because it was a funny as shit story. I got so angry with her for putting me in time out I ripped up her Rolling Stones tickets. THIS WAS A BAD IDEA. Ten years later, no shit, more like 13 years later my mom smacked me in the face once, because we had an argument over whose way of vacuuming was right. I don’t remember why shit hit me because she hit me, I remember it because again that was a pretty funny fight. Seriously, we were arguing about if I should vacuum behind the couch first or in front first. Her hitting me didn’t teach me a lesson, I think it taught her more of a lesson then me, because right after that she remembered why she never wanted to be a parent that hit.
I think I’m more in favor of the Cosby’s way of life. You get caught smoking, okay fine we are going to sit outside and you are going to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes one after the other till you can’t breath anymore then tell me if you want to smoke. You drank too much, fine sit here with me and take shots till you puke…the trick was, poor Vanessa didn’t know here dad was totally fucking with her and making her pound shots of apple juice. I loved the time Theo was all bad ass and wanted to move out. So, Mr. Cosby gave him some monopoly money and said lets see how long you last renting your room out. Poor Theo was broke by the end of the show. I never once saw Mr. Cosby spank Rudy because she broke that toy and hid it from her mom and then lied about it. Not once. Because those Cosby’s they had a pretty good idea about parenting!
I have a good friend Alli, she tried spanking. She told me she always felt worse after it happened then her kids. So what does she do now? She’s a goddamn genius that’s what. If you fuck up in her house here are some things you can expect to do, clean the toilet with nothing but your hand and a sponge, clean the bottom of the trash can with a sponge and bare hands, pull ever weed in the back yard, pick up all the dog poop in the yard, and fold load after load of white clothes. I can tell you this. The first time someone makes me clean a toilet with a sponge and bare hand I’m going to straighten my ass right up, and have a new respect for my mother.
Brandon is three. I can’t make him clean the toilet yet, honestly a three year old doesn’t have the cognitive development to understand consequence. I remember this from all of my psych classes in college which is why I’ve never really put much effort into punishing Brandon. When he is five and he can understand that the toilet is dirty then I’ll change my tune, but now, when he thinks toilets are for washing his toys…well I’m not going to get really far there. Cognitively kids are the same as dogs. You can punish a dog as much as you want but they will still run away any time some hot little poodle down the street is in heat. Because their brain doesn’t get a shit about punishment it gives a shit about getting it’s way. And yes, some people have good well behaved dogs who don’t eat your furniture or dig up your yard or piss on your floor, the way some people have good kids who don’t color on your couches, or throw little fits, or piss on your floor.
I firmly believe some kids are just born shit heads. My kids, TOTAL SHIT HEADS but I love them regardless.
I’ve never understood spanking. In my eyes it’s child abuse. I would say that is because my grandpa abused my mom on the most miserable levels when she was a kid and I will probably always relate any form of hitting to abuse.
I’ve always wondered why women think it’s not okay for their husbands to hit them when they do something bad, but they have no problem turning around and hitting their kid. Can we say double standard?
Last time I brought this up a few of you mentioned the bible. In fact this is their favorite little quote to throw at me, "As the Bible tells us: "He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes" (Proverbs 13:24) and "Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell."
So God says it’s okay to spank. WELL FINE! I’ve been reading the bible. I’m reading all about Jacob right now. You know, Jacob, the one who is fucking four women at once. Two that are his wives, and two that are their servants. Jacob, the one who betrayed his wives father by sneakily making his herd bread more until he had an abundance of wealth and then ran away in the middle of the night stealing the guys herd AND his daughters. Jacob, the one who tricked his father for his blessing by covering his arms in fur to appear as his brother.
SO if I am to follow your lead it’s all good if I start fucking some other people on the side, because in the bible everyone lays with everyone. It’s also totally okay if I sleep with my brother because in the bible it’s totally okay to fuck your sister. I for sure should steal stuff from my mom because the bible says it’s okay. Obviously the way to get anywhere in life is to lie cheat and steal, because Jacob did it in the bible. And finally, hitting, or beating your kids IS TOTALLLLLY fine because the bible told me so.
Back to the point. Do I now feel this woman is a monster for hitting her kids ABSOFUCKINGLUTLY. Even more so the best quote about this that I saw was, "if she will spank them in front of the cameras outside, just imagine what she does inside with no cameras around." I shudder to think about it. The little girl blew a whistle. So fucking what. Kids are annoying. It is their job to be annoying. If Brandon went a whole day with out annoying me I would take his ass to the doctor and wonder what was wrong with him.
It’s never okay to hit. EVER. Again, as long as I live by the standard that my husband can’t hit me, it’s probably good to hold the same standard to myself and not hit the two people I love most in the world.
Come on Kate, set a better example then this. There is no reason to tell the world it’s okay to be a child abusing monster. Think before you act next time maybe.
Shannon: HOW TALL ARE YOU AGAIN?
I NEED TO KNOW JUST HOW HIGH OF HEALS I NEED TO PACK
Cristina Mathers: pretty big
Shannon: MY GOSH
Cristina Mathers: but i wear flips
Shannon: THATS 6.75 INCHES MORE THEN ME
Cristina Mathers: hah
i’m a small dick taller than you
Shannon: OMG THATS HILARIOUS
Ahhh. That shit right there totally made my day Chris!
Let's have a debate
Before I put my two cents in (because y’all already know how I feel about spanking) I would love to hear your opinions on this particular incident!
"Around 11 a.m. on June 13, a witness spotted Kate, 34, and the children playing outside of their Reading, Pa., home. When Leah, one of the sextuplets, started blowing a whistle loudly, Kate told her to stop because she was on the phone. But as soon as Leah blew on the whistle again, Kate "seemed to lose her temper" and said, "Did you not hear me?" Then she stormed over to her daughter, grabbed her and hit her. "The girl was screaming and crying," the witness adds. "Kate just pushed her away and walked off with her coffee. Her older sisters were trying to make Leah feel better.""
Look who is cooking again
The recipes can be found here
Tomorrow’s recipe will be baked ziti, although I’m sure it won’t be as good as Patty’s!
Also, I made my dad some excellent raw cookie dough oatmeal raisen cookie balls this weekend (safe to eat no egg, I have a secret as to how I do it). I didn’t take any pictures which means, sigh, I will have to make some more this weekend because OH LORDY were they good. Seriously the fact that you can lick your hands and spoon all you want makes it so magical. I also made a delicious little cinnamon cream cheese glaze for half of them and it was like a whole new level of foodgasims!
I love a lot of TV shows. Admittedly a lot of them are food ones. Top Chef, Next Food Network Star, Hells Kitchen, Challenge, etc.
I love other shows too. Scrubs, Friends, Big Brother, Biggest Loser, Oprah, Law and Order SVU, CSI (all), Without a Trace, Cold Case etc.
Here is the thing. Some of these shows I can watch again and again and again and never get tired of them. The ones that I can watch reruns of endlessly are:
Law and Order (any)
And then. I have two dirty little secrets. Dirty dirty little secrets. Two secrets that make even my husband cringe. They are:
The Golden Girls
HELLO!! Are you all still here? Did you run away yet? Yes. It’s true
HI, MY NAME IS SHANNON AND I’M OBSESSED WITH THE GOLDEN GIRLS.
Yes. I’m hanging my own head in shame. It started when I was little. In fact, I was too little to even remember, and I can remember back to at least 4 years old. I have proudly seen every single episode of the Golden Girls (and the Nanny). It never gets old. I love the humor. I love how slutty blanche is. My dream is to be like Sophia when I’m old and grey. I wish I had a Rose in my life. I have secretly dubbed all of my friends as a Golden Girl in my future. (Katie is Rose, Ginger is Dorothy (shes such a smart ass), and Blanche is of course my pseudo Internet friend Val. A few nights ago I trudged upstairs to get in bed and relax and was tickled pink when I saw not one but TWO episodes of the Golden Girls would be on. My husband was NOT thrilled when he had to lay in bed and unwind by watching Rose and Sophia sell sandwiches to make money.
I discovered the Nanny while at an ex boyfriends house. I was helping his little sister de-muck her room and she was watching it. I thought it was retarded. Later, I saw it on TV and was making fun of the show. 2 Hours into a Nanny marathon I found myself embarrassingly ADDICTED. I have now seen every show (at least 5 times) and I sadly think I formed a tiny crush on Maxwell.
So. Those are my two dirty little secrets. Do you have any? Are then any shows you are kind of ashamed to admit you love?
This song totally describes my life. While I realize the singer is absolutely not talking about food every time I hear it I laugh so much because that is exactly how I am with food. I just can’t refuse eating, in fact I wouldn’t mind taking a fork and spoon to the delicious lead singer Travie of this band. I swear I have no control. I need a shock collar. No, more like a shock bracelet, any time I pick up snack foods, junk foods, sweet foods, excessive foods it can shock my ass until I learn to stop seeing just how many chocolate covered marshmallows fit in my mouth at once.
I fucked up massively again this weekend. I’m not sure I can think of a single healthy food I ate all weekend. Last night, I was feeling upset with myself for eating so much that I made myself happy by eating three poptarts. S.M.A.R.T THAT’S ME!
Man it is frustrating knowing I need to lose weight. Even knowing exactly what I need to do to accomplish that, yet, not being able to do it. It’s like the left and right side of my brain are in some massive battle to control my head and goddammit this shit is giving me whiplash. The worst part is, no matter how focused I am, no matter how good I’m doing, if you put a piece of cake in front of me I’M GOING TO EAT IT! Why? Because I’m not stupid, I know that shit will taste good. Which is why I have so much trouble. While I know that salad I am about to make is good, I know that baked potato with cheese and sour cream and fake bacon is going to taste a whole damn lot better.
My mom says I need a trainer or someone to feel accountable too. The problem is what happens if I spend all that money and still find myself trying to see how many milky ways I can cram down on the drive home? Then what huh? Just because you keep a food journal doesn’t mean you have to be honest does it?
Today I have eaten semi well. I had a yogurt, one scrambled egg with a little avocado, cheddar and soy bacon for breakfast. I had grapes as a snack and for lunch I had a morning star soy chicken patty with tomato, avocado, 1tbsp cream cheese and sweet peppers. My final snack was a Smart Food. Pretty good right? But boy is Codi’s pop tart staring me right in the fucking face? Did you know Pop tarts have eyes? Well they do, big mother fucking puppy dog eyes.
I meet my new doctor tomorrow. I will begin Wellbutrin and discuss my 600mg Lithium dosage. I hope hope hope the Wellbutrin kicks my ass into gear. I can’t wait to be a hot young thin thing again…well, maybe not young but hot and thin HELL YEA!
Now with bangs
Saw the hair man the other day. Got me some bangs and layers. Am to fat to take better pictures, but you get the idea.