You know, I think the only thing that keeps me sort of functioning is the fact that I am still able to see the good around me, and also the funny.
For instance. No matter how grumpy I am, I can not STOP clipping roses. I bring them in my house and my work. I am giving them away left and right…which oddly on Saturday helped me interact with HUMANS. I texted a friend and said, "hey, come see me, bring a vase, I’ll be here all day." It happened to be one of my friends who doesn’t have much, and who really doesn’t get to do a lot for herself. Not even an hour later she showed up with a great glass pitcher and off we went. We walked first to the house down the street, it’s vacant for a couple weeks which in my mind entitles me to the roses. Well, truth be told, I’ve decided since I’m the only one currently RESIDING on our the property that I’m entitled to all flowers and in fact I’m sort of the gate keeper of flowers and YOU THERE STEP AWAY FROM MY ROSES BEFORE I SICK MY THREE YEAR OLD IN HIS POWER WHEELS ON YOU….HE AIMS FOR THE CALVES! Back to my point. Off we went. Collecting rose after rose. Yellow ones, pink ones, red ones (that smell so goddamn good I swear someone goes over and squirts rose oil on them when I’m not looking), orange ones, pink with a hint of yellow, yellow and white spotted, deep deep red, peach, purple, white, salmon and on and on AND ON. Yes. I have that many. Yes, it’s fine if you hate me. We cut them up, trimmed the ends and I arranged them in her vase. In fact, there were so many she said she was going to go home and take some out and put them in more vases throughout the house. She left and said, "wow, I just got a $100.00 flower arrangement for free." My friend was tired, and beat down by the day (it was only 10am) and I got to make her smile.
So yes, I was able to see the good in the day.
I can’t move my neck. I have slowly regained the ability to move it side to side but tipping it back NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE. However as my husband and I were in the kitchen talking last night he informed me about how his friends and him are making fun of me at work. He proceeded to do a little show about how HILARIOUS it is when someone can’t move there neck and they have to stop and turn their entire body to the left to look at something. His friends thought it would be AWESOME if he called my name while behind me just so he could sit around and watch me have to stop and turn my whole body….then move and do it again.
Okay wait. Maybe I didn’t find that funny. But he sure as shit did.
He was also totally amused later in the night when I had to take my medicine but had a little trouble since I can’t tip my head back. So instead I kind of had to bend at the middle as if I was going under an imaginary limbo stick. Only I’m not that bendy so I had to brace my back, which kind of left me looking like you do at the end of a 9 month pregnancy when your hands are permanently glued to the small of your back kind of trying to keep your fat round ass from tipping over. So here I am, water in one hand, holding myself up with the other, trying to lean back far enough to swallow a pill but not far enough that I tip over backwards and land on the marble tile, one boob pops out of my shirt and in that moment….I was really able to see the humor in the moment!
But my favorite part of all was the following:
(Background, my husband has been lifting weights a lot lately trying to get "buff", he is especially interested in getting "buff" in the chest area.)
Me: Babe, your boobs are really getting big!
Me: No like really big, shit babe, I think you have some C cups
Husband: I’m going to say B’s
Me: Biggest B’s I ever saw. Shit, your boobs are huge, will you try on my bra so I can see what happens
Husband: No you would just get mad because mine are so young and perky
Me: YOU HAVE MOOBS HAHAHA MAN BOOBS!
Husband: Stop calling them boobs, they are M U S C L E S
Me: Hmm. Sure look like boobs to me, in fact, I don’t think I like them, kind of weird MOOBS!
Husband: Muscles THEY ARE MUSCLES, boobs would be like those really huge guys on biggest loser
Me: No, those guys have saggy boobs, kind of like how I have saggy boobs from nursing. You have new perky boobs, kind of like a teenager, so see still MOOBS! MAN BOOBS MAN BOOBS
Husband: Shut up they are muscles
Me: Ha ha can I take a picture of your boobies and post them on my blog?????? I know all the girls would love to see your moobs!
Husband: NO! Because they are muscles
Me: MOOBS MOOBS M O O O O O O O O O O O B S
Husband: Okay fine, take a picture of me, and take a picture of a guy on biggest loser and then ask your blog readers which guy has boobs
Me: They will say the same as me babe. They are going to say SHANNON YOUR HUSBAND HAS SOME NICE PERKY MOOBS, and that poor other bastard looks like he’s nursed about 15 kinds, boobs are boobs are moobs babe. No matter how you look at it you have boobs. Call em muscles all you want but they are moobs!
Husband: I hate you
So you see, I was totallllllly able to laugh and find the humor in that moment. I mean hello, my husband has perky teenager boobs, how could I not spend the night laughing at him and dreaming of convincing him to try on my black bra with the pink lace trim
Note: If that happens I will so take a picture for ya’ll!