This song totally describes my life. While I realize the singer is absolutely not talking about food every time I hear it I laugh so much because that is exactly how I am with food. I just can’t refuse eating, in fact I wouldn’t mind taking a fork and spoon to the delicious lead singer Travie of this band. I swear I have no control. I need a shock collar. No, more like a shock bracelet, any time I pick up snack foods, junk foods, sweet foods, excessive foods it can shock my ass until I learn to stop seeing just how many chocolate covered marshmallows fit in my mouth at once.
I fucked up massively again this weekend. I’m not sure I can think of a single healthy food I ate all weekend. Last night, I was feeling upset with myself for eating so much that I made myself happy by eating three poptarts. S.M.A.R.T THAT’S ME!
Man it is frustrating knowing I need to lose weight. Even knowing exactly what I need to do to accomplish that, yet, not being able to do it. It’s like the left and right side of my brain are in some massive battle to control my head and goddammit this shit is giving me whiplash. The worst part is, no matter how focused I am, no matter how good I’m doing, if you put a piece of cake in front of me I’M GOING TO EAT IT! Why? Because I’m not stupid, I know that shit will taste good. Which is why I have so much trouble. While I know that salad I am about to make is good, I know that baked potato with cheese and sour cream and fake bacon is going to taste a whole damn lot better.
My mom says I need a trainer or someone to feel accountable too. The problem is what happens if I spend all that money and still find myself trying to see how many milky ways I can cram down on the drive home? Then what huh? Just because you keep a food journal doesn’t mean you have to be honest does it?
Today I have eaten semi well. I had a yogurt, one scrambled egg with a little avocado, cheddar and soy bacon for breakfast. I had grapes as a snack and for lunch I had a morning star soy chicken patty with tomato, avocado, 1tbsp cream cheese and sweet peppers. My final snack was a Smart Food. Pretty good right? But boy is Codi’s pop tart staring me right in the fucking face? Did you know Pop tarts have eyes? Well they do, big mother fucking puppy dog eyes.
I meet my new doctor tomorrow. I will begin Wellbutrin and discuss my 600mg Lithium dosage. I hope hope hope the Wellbutrin kicks my ass into gear. I can’t wait to be a hot young thin thing again…well, maybe not young but hot and thin HELL YEA!