Picture it, Reno, 2005 a girl about to have a baby (see how I channel Sophia there). I go to the doctor and find out that my baby is measuring 9.5 pounds. Looks like we are having a C-section. Between my extremely tilted uterus and my massive baby disaster was bound. 4 days later my beautiful 7.2 ounce baby was born. Anyway, the point is. Prior to the C-section I had a pre-op appointment at which I was told to shave near the incision line. I dutifully went home and did a little shaving only to arrive that day and have a nurse lift up my gown, frown and exclaim, "well that just won’t work." Minutes later she is walking back in with a disposable bric razor and she is aiming for my baby maker.
WOAH WOAH WOAH LADY! "where is the shaving cream?"
"Relax, I’ll be done in a second."
The next thing I know this lady is dry bricing my area and I’m wondering how in the fuck this woman has a job.
Fast forward two years. I am 9 months pregnant and set to have my second baby via C-section. Remembering the horror of the time before, and that "incision area" doesn’t just mean that tiny patch below your belly button but the ENTIRE FUN MAKER AREA, I decide I’m going to take matters into my own hands. First, I obviously frantically emailed Amalah. At the time she had another Website that was just for mommy stuff. We all debated about what to do. How do I shave an area I CAN’T EVEN SEE? Finally it was decided. I would use my husbands clippers, it would go faster, and in the end I could just finish it with my razor that had three blades, not one and SHAVING CREAM. Yummy delightful citrus flavored shaving cream.
The night before my C-section arrives and I grab the clippers. At this point I realize it wasn’t a joke, I actually couldn’t see my stuff. No matter how I pulled my belly up I couldn’t see it. No matter how far I bent over I couldn’t see it. I could see my ugly ass thighs but I couldn’t see my "stuff." Suddenly I had an epiphany, THE MIRROR. I plugged my husbands clippers in closer to the full length mirror and was so proud of myself for thinking of this. After getting orientated to the fact that my left hand in real life wasn’t my left hand in the mirror I was on my way. I was going to have the best shaved "area" the doctor had ever C-sectioned! In fact, if they awarded points for clean shaven area I would have all the points, five stars and a cookie.
I only had a small portion of area left when I heard it "cruaoiucsht!"
OUCH SHIT, OUCH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT OUCH OMG
I ran up to the mirror thrust my area forward and discovered I had clipped the wrong area. In fact the clip was closer to the clip – p + t area.
How could this happen? I thought clippers were safe. I mean I know my husbands hair trimmers weren’t meant for that kind of hair but…how? The more I looked the more it bled. I couldn’t finish this way. No way was I letting that murder machine near my lady parts ever again. I shamefully jumped in the shower and got out my Venus razor and set to work.
You know when you nick yourself shaving your legs and the water kind of stings? Well the water really fucking stings when the nick is on your lady parts.
I quickly finished my business, got out of the shower and went to bed hoping to forget it all.
The next day the moment of truth arrived. I was put in my gown, put in bed and told to wait while she got stuff to "clean up my area."
Imagine my surprise when she walked in with an electric razor, and not a dry bric.
At this point I didn’t know what was worse, the electric razor, the bic or being pregnant 9 more years because no one was coming near my stuff with anything sharp again.
19 months later and I still haven’t gotten over the trauma. I have tried to trim my stuff once with an electric razor again. Only I used the longest guard possible so I went from looking like a lazy of the amazon to looking like A LADY OF THE AMAZON.
The worst part of all. A week later, when all was said and done and I removed my tape and my staples were out and I could actually look down and see my junk I realized I was covered in HUNDREDS of little white bumps. Seems all the shaving and bicing and what not had caused the worst case of razor burn ever.
And people wonder why I got my tubs tied. Next time you wonder, just ask the scar on my lady parts, no, not my C-section scar MY OTHER SCAR!