Open letter to the cop who pulled me over in Schurz,

You were very handsome.  Thanks for not giving me a ticket.

Love,

Speedy McCute smile

****

Open letter to the cop who pulled me over in Tonopah,

It was dark, I couldn’t really see if you were cute, but thanks for also not giving me a ticket.

Love,

I swear I’ll drive with headlights on next time

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Dear Vegas Monorail,

You were built on the wrong goddamn side of the road.  Also, I find it total bullshit that I have to walk through TWO casinos to find you, and I’m not talking some easy route, NO you make me walk past every single slot machine in Vegas to find you.  Next time, please rethink the design and location kthx.

Love,

My feet still fucking hurt from finding you

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Dear Las Vegas weather,

It was NOT okay to have lightening and thunder one hour after I arrived at the pool.  I did not appreciate having the pool closed and be forced to stare at it from my room!

Love,

Mrs, if you close the pool how can I buy fruity drinks with umbrellas in them HUH HUH!

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Dear front desk lady,

Thank you thank you thank you for the upgrade to the fancy schmancy room with the steam shower thingery I couldn’t figure out.  That really made our night at 1am after 9 hours of driving.  Also, saying I was on the 28th  floor made me fell so fancy.

Love,

Damn those fancy pillows were soft.

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Dear steam thinger in my shower,

I still don’t know how you worked or what you did…sigh.

Love,

Wish I was Mrs.  McSteamy but my steamer didn’t work.

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Dear Chef at Benihana,

You were fucking hilarious.  Japanese egg roll ahahahahah, that never stops being funny.  Thank you for the most delicious trip of my whole night.

Love,

Mrs. My pants still don’t fit right!

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Dear cute new heels,

I heart you.  I can’t wait to wear you.  You are so pretty and soft and lovely. 

Love,

Mrs. Damn my feetz are gonna look good.

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Open letter to my high heels at the end of the night,

I hate you, die, die, die,  my feet have blisters, you are not cute any more and the only reason I even brought you home was to give you more dirty looks.

Love,

Ouch blistarz fuck die ouch

****

Dear Gap Kids,

Thank fucking God I found you and your cheap flip flops.  You saved me from dying of foot pain right in the middle of the strip.

Love,

Mrs. Very glad I have kid size feet.

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Dear really big fucking tall drink Patty bought me the pool,

LIUVJ;AODHGkhaoigfysoihnnafdnilsut!

Love,

Might still be buzzed from that bad boy,

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Dear employee at Dicks,

Yes.  You.  You know who you are.  The one in the bright red thong.  The MAN in the bright red thong.  You remember me, I’m the one who snapped your thong upon seeing it only to have you present me with a thongalicious lap dance as I ate my veggie burger.  While your little dance was cute, I’m still very concerned with how comfortable you were in that thong!

Love,

Mrs. This is the reason why I wear granny panties, no one is snapping my thong thankyouverymuch

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Dear Vegas Starbucks,

You thieving bastards who want to change me $.40 more for a drink because it’s in Vegas and $.75 more if I am walking through a fancier hotel.  Did you think I wouldn’t notice when I had to take out a mortgage to buy an iced skinny caramel machiatto that now cost five fucking dollars!

Love,

Mrs. I’d rather drink dirt then pay you more money!

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Dear lady at the deli at MGM pool,

When I ordered a grilled ham and gruyére sandwich with out the ham, and you nodded and said "of course," did you think I wouldn’t notice when you gave me a grilled processed cheddar cheese sandwich?  And then for you to look at me and say, "well that is how we make all of our grilled cheese," as if it was totally okay that you had just charged me $13.00 for something no where near what I ordered.

Love,

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!