I learned this one from my doctor.  If your kid will only eat a few things, but they keep asking for macaroni every time change up how you ask.  Kids love choices, so give them a choice.  HOWEVER kids have short memories so 90% of the time they will pick the last thing you say.  If their choices are chicken, macaroni, or hamburger, and you want them to eat chicken, then you ask, would you like macaroni, hamburger or chicken?  By the time they are done pretending to mull it over, chicken is the only one they will remember.  It works, I did it to Brandon for nearly a year before he caught on.

If you are all out of milk, your kid will only want milk for dinner.  So advice, always buy one more carton of milk the you think.  I can’t tell you how many Wednesdays I have had to go back to the fucking store because I was being frugal and only wanted to buy two milks.  Do you know what that trip back costs me?  A milk, cereal, cookies, chips, ice cream, apples…….ALWAYS BUY MORE THEN YOU NEED, THE NEXT TRIP BACK TO THE STORE WILL COST YOU WAY WAY MORE THEN THAT ONE CARTON.

If you have more then one kid you can rest assure they will only get along when they are conspiring against you.  So, note to self.  If your kids are being nice, RUN very far and very fast.

If you ever leave your phone/camera/electrical gadget anywhere near a cup of liquid, you are an idiot and you fail at parenting.

If you leave your computer on and open and unattended just expect that when you come back things will be deleted, renamed, and lost. 

There is nothing at all wrong with bribery.  If your kid isn’t eating their food it is perfectly acceptable to put treat right in front of them just out of their reach to ENCOURAGE them to finish eating.

When your child won’t let you brush their teeth try giving them the tooth brush first.  Let them brush around a little and chances are they will let you finish.  Also, try different locations.  Codi will not let me brush his teeth sitting in my lap, or standing, but he will let me do it if he is sitting on the counter.  Know why?  Then he can make faces at himself in the mirror while I brush.

Is your kid bored?  Give them a dry erase board, markers and an eraser.  You have just bought yourself an hour of time.

Dry erase marker does not wash out of clothes.

Hot dogs get a bad name.  Suck it up, put your pride aside and put some hot dogs in your kids macaroni!

Do not leave change out unless you want it washed.  Little kid mouths are a magnet for change, they love to suck some dirt off a quarter.

Toilet bowls are a magnet too.  Kids love to wash their toys in the toilet.  Good motivation to keep your toilet clean I guess.

If you’re tired, your kid will not sleep through the night.  Be prepared.  Don’t be shocked when your kid wakes up screaming at 3am.  Instead, just make a bigger pot of coffee the night before.

There are no hiding places.  If you think you have hidden your toys well you haven’t.  One day you will be out back picking peppers and tomatoes and your kid will come out ecstatic to show you the new vibrating toy he has in his mouth.

I REPEAT THERE ARE NO HIDING PLACES.

What have you learned about parenting kids?