Dear mom,

Next time you go out of town for a week to Burning Man please do so during the winter.  I am so over tomato picking.  In fact if I never see another tomato in my life I will be fine.  Asking me to pick your tomatoes while you were gone was some kind of cruel joke.  There was no less then 80 cherry tomatoes today.  EIGHTY.  And probably a good 240 left to be picked.  You are out of your goddamn mind woman!  I will be shitting tomatoes tonight.  Everywhere I look I see tomatoes.  I no longer heart tomatoes.

Sincerely,

Never making spaghetti sauce again!

 

Dear Rihanna,

I really didn’t want to like you or your music.  I tried hard.  Very hard.  I held my ground for a long time.  But then, an old friend of mine told me to listen to your song, "take a bow" and I like it immediately.  You know a song is good when you like it immodestly.  I was mad.  I didn’t want to like your music.  Who was this girl downloading your song onto my ITunes and rocking you on my IPod?  I chalked it up to a fluke.  Everyone has one good song right?  Even after your stuff with Chris Brown I still didn’t like you.  Sorry, no pity music love from me.  But now, now you and Jay Z and Kanye had to come out with your new song "Run this town" and suddenly I’m telling everyone how great your voice is and playing your song on repeat and totally rocking out to you, and dammit, what the fuck I think I like you.

Love,

Ashamed and addicted

 

Dear Kanye,

Your lyrics are fucking hilarious.  I can’t stop walking around saying, "What you think I rap for, to push a fucking Rav-4." My husband has always hated you, but I knew you were awesome. And today, when my husband was laughing at your lyrics, "ass so big it will swallow up a G-string," I knew you had him too.  I love when I’m right and my husband ends up being sucked into my music.  Thanks for making me giggle often today.

Sincerely,

Not driving a Volvo

 

Dear Words for friends,

You were supposed to be like all the other IPhone apps.  Something that was fun for a day and then got bored with.  But I’m fucking sucked in.  I am playing while I cook, while I pee, while I eat and in bed.  The Scrabble lover in me is totally hooked.  I have new gamer friends in Texas and California and the Poconos and I swear you have never seen a fat girl run as fast as me when my phone is about to die.

Sincerely,

I just have one Z left

 

Dear Bra,

You are not doing your job.  Well maybe you are, and maybe my boobs are just too big for you, but I’d like to think they should fit nicely in a D cup rather then feeling like I’m trying to stuff a watermelon in a thimble.  I shouldn’t have to keep pulling you in and stuffing my boobs in.  Your straps don’t stay tightened so along with my boobs not fitting in you, they end up spilling you because you were made with cheap little strappy things that just slip down until the next thing I know I’m flashing nipple to the boy at the grocery store.  While we are on the subject of the grocery store, I thought your job was to contain my boobs, not allow them to totally pop out of my bra and shirt every time I bed over.  I do not appreciate bending over only to realize my used up nursing titties are sagging out my shirt like fucking cow udders.  Start doing your job you jerk before I burn your ass and become that lady walking around with saggy boobs in now bra whose nipples are visible through her shirt somewhere down her belly button.  Seriously do the world a favor and get your shit together.

Love always,

Saggy in Reno

 

Dear Dave Ramsey,

Okay so yes your book totally works, and my bills are suddenly all being paid on time and my husband and I are starting to save and everything is working but dude you should have made a chapter in the book titled, "DON’T HAVE A FUCKING HEART ATTACK WHEN YOU BALANCE YOUR CHECKBOOK AND IT IS NOT NEGATIVE."  The last four weeks when I have balance my checkbook and it wasn’t negative, and there was actually more then $3.00 left in it I have totally gone crazy wondering where I went wrong because there can not possibly actually be money in my account.  Look, while I appreciate you being totally right, and making me feel like a moron for the last 18 years I was totally not prepared for this.  I have spent the last four weeks spending about 4 hours on every Friday searching for a mistake because clearly I can’t actually have money. 

Your friend

Not totally broke but totally confused!