A few weeks ago my husband sends me this article from Yahoo Health. It basically trashed soda, carbonation and sweeteners. He subtly hinted that I shouldn’t have carbonated drinks anymore.  Then when I said how hard it was he would say, "it’s up to you if you want it have it," (read: If you do you are a massive fail who is trying to kill themself slowly and if you stay fat it’s your fault so don’t come crying to me.) Then he went from subtle to basically putting me on restriction from then until I reached my goal weight, hoping by then I won’t want it. To make this point he found every carbonated off limits drink in our house and poured it right down the drain in front of me. ASSHOLE. Obviously to get back at him I put the kibosh on him eating any place with a drive through. (Which he promptly found a way around the very next day and still managed to get a greasy ass burrito in the morning. Basically I was left being allowed to drink water, tea, juice and coffee. I hate juice so that was out, and coffee makes me sick now, so, I am left with WATER AND TEA! I do drink milk but only in the form of chocolate milk and only if I’m sick or sometimes at dinner so that doesn’t count.

Well since Rob’s new punishment went into effect and then working out started, thus making me drink more I am peeing NON STOP. It is like being fucking pregnant again. Every half hour at work, some times more. I can’t even make it through dinner with out peeing, and I had to go three times while watching the last 1.5 hours of biggest loser. At night I wake up every few hours to pee and I all I can think is FUCK I’m not pregnant anymore I do not deserve this. I am giving up all the trash that isn’t good for me I do not deserve this. Why why why does getting healthy seem a whole lot harder then getting fat?

On top of it all my trainer put me on some kind of diet. The first and hardest part is to eat my meals like this.

(Side note don’t ever google breakfast EVER especially when you can’t eat any of the things that pop up.)

Do you see that part about dinner being the SMALLEST FUCKING WORD!!!!!! Y’all I failed at this the first night. I came home and had a big plate of beets, mashies, corn and soy chicken. Not so good on the small meal huh? Yesterday I had to make a conscious effort to reverse my eating making breakfast big, and dinner small. Only, having a big breakfast was hard because I got full. Clearly this whole situation is totally fucking with my head. Last night I did a little better but I found myself wanting to snack.

BUT this isn’t even the worst part. Here is a list of things my trainer has basically banned

Cereal, all cereal even my beloved CoCo puffs

Cream of wheat

Most starches

Any bread that does not say whole wheat and even then only like once a week.

Ice cream

Candy

Potato chips (I haven’t asked about corn chips yet and I think its best to keep my mouth shut, if he doesn’t say no then it isn’t off limits.)

Dessert

Ranch dressing (now he is just talking non sense)

Anything that taste good.

 

Here is what I’m allowed to eat

Vegetables (not covered in butter or cheese)

Fruit (fresh only strawberry smoothie doesn’t count)

Dairy (cheese and yogurt)

Eggs

And that is about it.

I can have soy in moderation. Phooey. I can have rice and beans in moderation PHOOEY. Even though they make a complete protein apparently they are "too starchy and fatty."

So I am just sitting over here staring at hard boiled eggs and beets thinking this is so not as fun as last week when I had Fruit Loops for breakfast, french fries for lunch (with a salad on the side to counteract the grease) pie or ice cream, and some copious amount of potatoes for dinner.

I don’t understand why it is, that everyone is in such an uproar about the world getting healthy when they make it so hard by taking away the fun stuff. I mean, what fat person is honestly going to pick Cheetos over carrots. Or diet Pepsi over a nice tall glass of clear water?

To top things off I signed my mom up on Spark People which some how equated to me having to be back on there. This means now I HAVE to be accountable because my mom can visit my page and see what I ate, and I can’t not write it in because having a blank day on there is the biggest give away that I was naughty.

So. This means, my husband, my mom and my trainer are all watching me. I’m pretty sure if I want to sneak in any food with flavor I will have to do it with Ginger because I’m smart enough to know that even my cousin Lisa won’t let me cheat, and if I do she will tattle.

I feel like Optimums Prime at the end of the first Transformers, where he puts a call out to all other transformers asking them to come. I feel like putting a call out to all of my friends asking them to send me secret goodies.

Only, I bet even the postmaster would tattle on my ass too!

 

The gym is going well too. I feel like I have a tear in my abs, my arms hurt, my trainer is now giving me homework that I have to do and turn in on days I’m not with him or I get worse home work the next week. He also gave me the great news that the first place I will lose weight is my face and the VERY VERY VERY LAST PLACE I will lose weight will be my ass, then thighs AND THEN MY GODDAMN FUCKING MUFFIN TOP. What the shit. So you mean its going to take about 14 years for this goddamn thing to go away?

I haven’t stepped on the scale since Monday. I don’t plan to until tomorrow and then, I will do the dreaded weigh in on here. So you can all see what a cow I am, and you can all hold me accountable again. Photos may or may not accompany those weigh ins, because I would need pants that actually buttoned over my fat ass to take the photos in.

So there you have it in a nut shell. Woe is me, everything sucks, nobody likes me and I’m going to go eat some worms.

 

Coming tomorrow the thrilling topic of maiden names and how in the fuck to get rid of them.

 

**Side note, he said I can have beans and rice in moderation and mostly for lunch, he just wants me to watch it since they are really starchy.  And preferably whole beans and not mixed together.  No Ginger he isn’t phsyco he is actually pretty smart, I already feel better.