Rob and I don’t eat out often.  For a few reasons; 1. We don’t like to spend the money, 2. we are working out and trying to eat healthy and 3. we don’t like to spend the money.  Tonight after the gym though we were both tired and neither of us felt like making dinner. We hemmed and hawwed about dinner and decided to go home and have egg sandwiches.  However when we got home I was reminded that we had no mayo in the house.  There went my delicious sandwich.  I had been craving Port of Subs and Wing Stop sounded good to Rob so we decided to each take a little money from our personal fun accounts and get dinner.  I left to grab the food and as I was driving I remembered Rob saying he had no ice cream last night.  Since the wing place and the sandwich place were in the same center as Smiths I figured why not, what a nice surprise for him.  There was still time left until his wings were ready so I meandered over there and parked.  I opened my door, grabbed my wallet and stepped out only to IMMEDIATELY fall on my ass in the parking lot.  Yes.  I slipped, feet right out from under me in slow motion and landing on my ass IN MUD.  My wallet flew into more mud and my keys flew under the car.  So, I had to grab my wallet, roll over, reach under my car to grab my keys, pick up the wallet that I dropped again and then stand up while trying to maintain my dignity.  I looked around and luckily no one had seen.  Then I realized I had broken three nails.  The frustrating part of that is they were long so they broke all jagged and weird.  The more frustrating part is that I can NOT handle my nails like this I must clip them.  Since I obviously didn’t have any nail clippers in my workout pants I found myself fidgeting with my fingers.  I kept poking them to feel the weird break, putting them in my mouth wishing I knew how to chew nails, and then fidgeting some more.

I huffed my way into the store, grabbed the fucking ice cream and a carton of milk for the kids and walked up to the self check. BRILLIANT.  I had grabbed my "wallet" but I had not grabbed the little card case that I kept inside with my debit card.  Back out to the car I went slipping and sliding, grabbed my card thing, slipped back into the store, fidgeted with my nails, and paid for the fucking ice cream.

Finally I got back into my car after slipping twice and catching myself mere seconds before finding myself in the splits in the goddamn mud again.  I drove over to the wing place and hopped out to walk next door to Port of Subs.  When I pulled the handle it was locked.  What the?  I looked up and they closed at 9:00pm, it was currently 9:06pm.

So.  Let me get this straight.  I do a good thing, buy my husband some stupid fucking bullshit ice cream and I get screwed out of my sandwich.  I stood there fidgeting with my fingernails wondering what to do.  I ended up stomping in to buy his dumb wings, stomping back to the car, fidgeting with my hands a little and then driving off.  I had no choice but to grab something quick.  I did and I was on my way home.  When I got in the house I immediately ran upstairs to clip my nails.  I came down to find my husband eating his goddamn wings oblivious to the fact that there was a shiny new bag of COOKIES AND CREAM ice cream on the counter.  So I grabbed my shitty replacement food, opened it up and immediately discovered it was horrible.  

To catch you up at this point, I am at the table, my ass still wet, eating a shitty ass cold meal that tasted funny and tasted nothing like a wonderful Port of Subs sandwich on white extra provolone, no meat, mayo, lettuce, tomato and pepper only.  No I was sitting there eating something that tasted like it was scraped off the bottom of a fryolator watching my husband blissfully chow down on his stupid fucking asshole wings.  I have to tell you it took every ounce of strength not to spit on his damn wings.  Especially after I told him that my dinner was shitty and he said, "well why didn’t you just grab some mayo at the store and I could have made you an egg sandwich."

GRAB SOME FUCKING MAYO.  When?  When I was busy buying him ice cream thinking Port of Subs would still be open and thinking obviously I don’t need mayo since I’m buying a fucking sandwich with mayo already on it.

Stupid fucking wings.