An open letter to the assholes in the ice cream industry

Every year around this time you ice cream guys have a moment of genius and release the line of GIRL SCOUT COOKIE ICE CREAMS.  Of course this includes the Thin Mint ice cream.  Other wise known as the closest thing to a food orgasm that mankind knows.  My favorite part about it all is that you were awesome enough to make it in slow churn too.

Here is where my beef comes in.

Tonight I went to the store and what did I find? Wonderful glorious delicious Thin Mint ice cream.  I nearly choked when I walked by it, which wouldn’t have been as bad if I hadn’t also nearly ran over some guy because instead of watching where I was pushing my cart, I was staring at ice cream. 

The problem?

You didn’t have it out in slow churn yet.


Why is it you think it is fair to tease us fatheads like that?  I wouldn’t be as mad as I am if I didn’t know that both ice creams are supposed to be available at the same time.  Want proof.

Do you see that shit?  You fuckers are supposed to make both kinds available at the same goddamn time and they aren’t.


I’m beginning to wonder if this isn’t some kind of sick joke that you and the diet people are in on.  It’s a game.  Oooo, let’s see how long the fatties can hold out before they give in and buy the indulgent, luxurious, delicious full fat carton of mouth watering Thin Mint ice cream.  You assholes know I won’t be able to make it more then two shopping trips before giving in.  It’s like you want me to wake up and hate myself in the morning.  It is as if you sit back in your big expensive leather office chair counting down the seconds until my will power fails. 

Not to mention, when it’s all said and done and you finally release the low fat one you know I’ll feel so guilty for eating all of those delicious calories that I’ll scoop up a tub or two of the low fat ice cream to make myself feel better about the jelly jiggling on my thighs.  Which means you are going to get double my money.

Piece of shit fucking ice cream company.  Get your shit together and have some respect for us fatties.  We want our little taste of heaven at night after dinner too, and we’d like to do it with out knowing we are going to wake up in the morning with a sugar hangover and noticing that now that the ice cream goggles are off we have pieces of cookie in our hair and ice cream smeared on our face and we weigh ten pounds more.

Get your shit together fuckers before I move on from ice cream and fall in love with Twinkies or Ding Dongs or something.


Yours truly,

My ass would have a chance to be smaller if you had your shit together (In Reno)

7 thoughts on “An open letter to the assholes in the ice cream industry

  1. OMG I feel your pain. I’m trying to just avoid that isle altogether but I was searching for Rocky Road for the boy’s birthday and there it was.
    SAMOAS flavored Ice cream. WHAT? I had not heard, or had put out of my mind, that Dryers did girl scout cookie ice cream. Normally Ice cream is not a weakness but SAMOAS???? I may have to sneak to the store tomorrow and eat the entire thing while honey is out of town working. If nobody sees you eating the icecream is it still bad??


  2. I even checked at my Raley’s and they didn’t have it are you sure its out or maybe we don’t get it in Reno. Like the Thank U Berry Munch that is new for 2010 and the Dulce de Leche cookies. I don’t get how come they are on the list for the main Girl Scouts but not on the Sierra Nevada form so we can order them. See they’re on here


  3. Do remember when we ate 1 box each of thin mints at my house (we were probably around age 12) and we kept telling eachother that they were “smart cookies” as an excuse to keep eating them!


  4. Well thank you for bringing to my attention yet ANOTHER delicious indulgent that is not available in Canada!! And in the great white north, Girl Guide cookie flavors are limited to vanilla and chocolate. How will my life ever be the same with this revelation?!


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