Why yes I am a fucking idiot

 Lets do a science project mkay.

Hypothesis: If I lower my meds will I be stable enough to feel normal.

Directions: Monday lower meds from 300mg to 200 mg

Following Monday lower meds from 200mg to 150 mg

Following Monday NOT SO MUCH

Results: DUMB ASS FUCKING MORON WHAT WERE YOU THINKING NO YOUR NOT STABLE ENOUGH YOU ASSHOLE.

So. Yeah. About three weeks ago I decided to see what would happen if I lowered one of my medicines. I noticed immediately which I thought was weird, I kind of thought it would take a while to change. By the time I hit 150 mg I knew I had made a very big mistake. There is no way I am ready for that. I noticed immediately that I was having a difficult time wanting to be happy. Before, when thoughts came into my head, such as the family I no longer talk to, or my weight, or happenings from that day, I was doing a very good job of pushing past them and moving them to the back of my head. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t stop wanting to wallow in self pity all together but I was doing a damn good job of trying. The past week I’ve caught myself holding onto the negative thoughts and letting my head dwell on them, and fester until I was right back where I was before the medicine. I found myself putting dangerous songs on repeat purposely. I found it hard to be motivated for the gym. I still went because I don’t like being fat, but it was hard to express the same enthusiasm I had the weeks before. Sunday when I went to the gym, also the day I realized I needed to go back to my correct dose of medicine I made sure to make a safe playlist. Upbeat music. HIppity Hoppity shit that would make it impossible to do more then run or walk and bop my head.

Of course I noticed myself yelling more. Getting annoyed more. Becoming irritated at everything. And just being a general asshole again. My husband noticed too (luckily I was smart enough to tell him I was lowering my meds so he was able to call me on it). The other night while trying to prepare the following days lunch I became overwhelmed and kind of just stopped and freaked out. Rob looked at me and asked me what was wrong and somehow I was able to sort of snap out of it. Not entirely though, my mood stuck in the back of my head, and I realized I was torn between wanting to acknowledge it, and wanting to sink deeper in. My choice was to take a shower, put Codi to bed, take some Meletonin (and herbal sleeping pill) and fall asleep before I could do anymore damage to my mind.

I am glad I did this little experiment. If not I think I would continue wondering if I had been ready to come off for a long time, or if I needed to stay where I was. Obviously I need to stay where I am, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hope that eventually I will be able to lower my medicine and have it work. I raised it back up, and annoyingly I realized I didn’t notice the affect of raising it as fast as I did when I lowered it. I’m still stuck here in a sort of catch 22, half of me wants to feel good and half of me doesn’t. The problem with that is, it gets very tireing being in my head while both sides sit there and battle. I think it’s almost the worst of all because trying so hard to control my head means I’m not focusing on the thins I should be.

At my last doctors appointment he asked how I was feeling and I couldn’t quite pinpoint it. Finally he said, "distracted?" That was it, that is exactly how I’ve been feeling. Even on the medicine I noticed myself having a hard time concentrating all at once, I’m here, I’m there, I’m over or under. We talked about it all, and adjusted the times I would take my medicine hoping it would help. It might have, had I not decided to try lowering my medicine.

So anyway that’s where I am, standing here in limbo waiting for the medicine to kick back in so I can feel normal again. I realize this post kind of went no where but I figured I would let you all know where I was medicine wise, and also make sure I documented this so someday years from now, I can be prepared for what might happen when I get off my medicine. I hadn’t written much about it, because every time I do it’s inevitable that someone will want to talk about it, and talking isn’t what I want. I just want to come here, say my piece get it off my chest and go about my day.

So.  The moral of the story is, don’t be a fucking moron like me, and keep your ass on your medicine unless you want to end up eating every donut in sight and then breaking things because you can’t figure out what granola bar to pack for lunch.  I mean obviousy it’s your decision, I’m just saying…..

10 thoughts on “Why yes I am a fucking idiot

  1. 🙂 Keep your chin up. I struggle with my meds as well. I think I can handle it and just as soon as I stop – BAM!
    Have a wonderful day!!!

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  2. I don’t think this post went nowhere at all! I really like the updates, as I often wonder how you’re doing w/ the meds. Thanks for putting it all out there for us. ❤

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  3. I’ve made this same mistake before. Not that you’ve asked but let me say that the first thing you need to stop doing (besides lowering your doses on your own) is to stop thinking that you’re less of a person or less strong because you’re on meds because that’s not the case AT ALL. I think it takes a bigger/stronger person to do what they need to do to be happy. period. So keep on trucking and do what you need to do to be happy.

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  4. i think it’s a really good thing that you see it this way. my brother was on meds for years and i was such a battle…he would take meds, feel better and then go off. only once he realized that he needed the med regularly could he get used to it and accept it. he’s much happier now. thanks for sharing your journey….you are very strong.

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  5. Yeah, definitely stay on the meds. Your body isn’t producing the right chemicals so that’s why you take the meds. I see it as if you don’t water your flowers they won’t blossom on their own.
    Not that you asked.

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  6. Hey…
    I saw this a while back and meant to say something but was unable to due to a screaming infant.
    I have so btdt, though I think my diagnosis has been different than yours – so same song different verse. Anyway – my advice, always talk with your doc when you think you might be ready to wean/reduce. It is so much easier to do when you have a support.
    Hugs! I understand not wanting to rely on meds – don’t be too hard on yourself, mkay?

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