Month: March 2010
There isn't a big enough glass of wine
"Mom, come see what Codi did with the white stuff!"
Go get ready to take a bath does not mean get an entire container of Ajax out of the hall closet and cover the bed, floors, desk, towels, sheets and the WHOLE ENTIRE FUCKING ROOM with white powder.
I’m poor please send wine.
My ass can't climb those stairs alone
Don’t forget I am doing the 2010 Fight for Air Climb. I need donations people. There seems to be some confusion on the donation end. I am not asking for a $72.00 donation. I am asking for $2.00 for every flight you think I can make. If you think I can make 3 flights then gimmie $6.00. Or, if you want to just make a general donation you can do that too. Any amount will help. Even if you can donate a small amount still make sure to leave me a comment and tell me how far you think I will make it. I’m aiming for the full 36 flights but then I remember doing the stairmaster a few weeks back and I think, maybe 6 flights sounds more reasonable. Kidding, kidding, I will make it to the top.
Sticky Note Tuesday
Bad plan: Going off meds
Worse plan: Not being able to see doctor again until April 25th
Good plan: Call an bother office staff for a sooner appointment
Better plan: Cry about it
Best plan: Call and scream at insurance because yelling at someone will most likely make me feel better right?
Plan I wish I could do but wont: Eat entire container of full fat Thin Mint ice cream and wallow in dispare
Plan I will probably follow: Eat stupid celery and ranch while wallowing in self pitty
Plan I wish I could follow: Go home, drink wine while eating ice cream
Plan I guess I have to follow: Go to the stupid gym and try not to scowl at all the asshole size 0000 girls there whining about their 1 pound weight gain
Plan I will probably follow: Go to stupid gym and scowl at stupid girls anyway then try and hide in my book long enough for them to finish their exercise and hurry home to puke up their water and four saltine crackers
So yeah. Mildly cranky today. No I don’t have a reason why. No I don’t care. No I don’t want to talk about it. No nothing is wrong, went wrong, will go wrong I’M JUST IN A BAD FUCKING MOOD.
DEAL WITH IT!
PS. If any of you were wondering if my family stopped being retarded and magically got better the answer is no. They got more retarded, and they picked a bad time to do it. Family + acting stupid + Shannon not on meds = you would rather be in hell with the cast of Jersey shore then deal with me right now.
Fight for Air…You want to climb how many stairs?
I’ve joined hundreds of others throughout our community to raise funds for the American Lung Association® and to fight lung disease. Please join me in my efforts to MAKE AN IMPACT in the lives of the estimated 35 million Americans who suffer from lung disease. Your donation to the American Lung Association can help MAKE AN IMPACT by funding life saving research, education and advocacy efforts. My goal is just to make it to the top. Can’t wait to see how I do. I have set a goal to raise $200.00. I am asking you to donate $2.00 for every flight of stairs you think I can climb. There is a total of 36 flights. Also, please feel free to donate foot rubs, ice cream and pedicures!
Thank you in advance.
You can view my teams page, Stairway to Hell here. So far the team is Robert, Katie and myself but we are looking for a few more team mates!
This…right here is why I'm selling that bike
Due to certain circumstances I have come into possession of a few spinning bikes. Because I don’t want them I put them on Craigslist. EVERY SINGLE person who has come to see them has asked me why I am selling them. I mutter something like, "I had an incident with a spin bike," or "me and spin bikes just don’t get along." When the truth is I think I should just print out my very first spinning post and attach it to the bike. Or perhaps I should put it in my Craigslist ad, then people will understand why those fuckers are up for sale. So, in honor of the bikes, from my archives I present:
You spin me right in to the gates of fucking hell
My cousin hates me did you know that? She wants me to die a long hard death!!! You know how I just had a baby, you know like 7 fucking weeks ago, and how before that I hadn’t done more cardio then steadfastly lifting the ice cream spoon to my mouth for a full 8 months due to that whore bitch "BED REST"? I’ve been doing this whole Tummy Tuck thing for about 6 weeks now and I thought I was doing pretty good watching my calories and taking long generous walks down the isles of Walmart. So today when I am whining to my cousin about needing to exercise but having no time and blah blah poor me, when she sweetly says, "why don’t you come to a spinning class with me today?" I hesitate long enough to eat a Hershey’s kiss and then say, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND YOU INSANE FREAK?" She’s all, oh its not so bad, I totally made it through my first time with no trouble and after 3 classes I could stand and keep up and I have fucking rainbows and moonshine shooting out of my ass. I have two words for her YOU ARE A BIG FAT LYING ASSHOLE!!! Go ahead tell me that was more then two words, I dare you to fuck with me right now. I just spent the last 45 minutes wishing I was dead or at least wishing I had a machete to fuck up my cousin every time I looked over at her stupid smiling face as she was spinning off into oblivion like it was no big deal. I on the other hand was sitting there with one third of ONE ass cheek struggling to fit on the elf shoe they call a seat and wondering if it would look bad if I barfed in the trash next to my bike. As I type this I feel like my fucking ass is going to come alive and eat me its burning so bad. I’m in pain people. Feel sorry for me. I told her, I said Lisa maybe I should ease into this work out thing again, you know do a few minutes on the treadmill or something. But nooooo she assured me I wouldn’t die. By the end of the class I wanted to puke, my bladder was screaming, my ass was saying, hey if your going to be hurting this bad you should be doing something fun and my face was so red I looked like a Super Mario character. Also whose idea is it to take a class being taught by a woman who looks like God came down from the heavens and sculpted her body himself? Yeah that makes me feel adequate huh? Now my cousin is sitting here saying, he he if you hate me now wait till tomorrow. Oh go ahead and giggle you fucker. Shes saying oh how about Yoga tomorrow. Is she fucking mental. I’ll be lucky if I can get out of bed tomorrow with out the help of 7 vicodens and about 6 shots of jaeger. All I’m thinking is great, I was the slow, sluggish, asshole in the spinning class, and now I’m going to be that girl who farts the whole way through the yoga class.
Did you know an ass can cry? Mine is crying right now. It’s wondering why I took it out of it’s cushy position in front of the TV and made it think a little. Spinning? What the fuck was I thinking? Have you ever done spinning? Its a bunch of skinny little skank bitches riding in their tight little bicycle shorts with cute little hair and fancy fucking outfits. In the front of the room is a trainer whose all YAY LETS STAND UP NOW AND CLIMB THAT MOUNTAIN…WEE ISN’T THIS FUN CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB. Look! The only place I feel like climbing in though is into bed, not up this bitches happy sunny fucking mountain. I’m looking outside as I peddle my way to my death thinking I would rather be buried in the fucking snow then wondering one more time what I was doing testing the limit of my spandex non maternity pants.
A word of advice. Next time your family member lovingly tries to invite you to a spinning class do yourself a favor and JUST SAY NO! You will get the same amount of exercise driving to marble slab and ordering a double triple chocolate with caramel and extra chocolate and a side of chocolate, and if you want to make a cardio work out out of it, just eat faster…pick up the pace as you shovel that creamy cold goodness into your mouth. However if you do decide to just jump right into a spinning class be prepared for the following:
* Your ass will not fit on that seat.
* No, not even one ass cheek will fit
* You will feel like vomiting actually sounds more fun then being thin
* The instructor will spew rainbows and sunshine while somehow managing to make peddling look like she is doing a fantastic ballet
* You will not look like you are doing a ballet, you will look more like you are driving a clutch and you keep popping it out of place and stalling
* Half way through you will want to murder the person who brought you
* An hour after you will start to feel like you have just climbed all the way to the gates of hell and can someone please just kill me now!
Update: My skank bag cousin is saying now, "by your third class you will be fine" Third class my sore ass, you freak of nature. Thats like saying hey it only burns the first time you stick your hand in lava. YOU LYING HOOKER! There is no way anyone can get used to this shit!
Updated update: I just went in to pee, it took me a full 2 minutes to convince my legs that they should stand up and not leave me stranded on the shitter. Apparently they think spending a life time on the crapper sounds more appealing then ever walking again!
See, now she looks like the geeky Twilight Mom
Katie bought me an Easter present. All I know is I’m glad she bought it because now she looks like the Twi-hard mom while I reap the benefits. I heart you Katie!
Ode to insurance…or…why I want to rip their head off and shit in their neck
I know I know, it feels like everyone complains about insurance. Which is why I never have but y’all this time I’ve had it. I’ve always been insured by my work which means I’m used to good insurance. It was expensive as fuck but it had set prices. None of this 80/20 shit, or deductible, or out of pocket IT WAS A SET FEE. You wanted surgery $500.00 wham bam thank you ma’am. When my husband moved to his current job, to save my boss about $1,200.00 a month I moved onto his insurance, since I wasn’t having babies anymore insurance shouldn’t be an issue.
They should have given out a free bottle of lube to each person who signed up. This year is the worst. THE WORST. Things that have gone wrong so far.
My crazy doctor isn’t covered. After much talking I was able to get a few more visits covered with him but he will now be listed as a specialist raising my co-pay from $25.00 to $50.00.
My husbands nose doctor isn’t covered. He was right in the middle of a procedure, still doing follow up’s from a surgery and we have to find a new doctor. Oh, and, he’s a specialist, there’s another $50.00.
My insurance offers exactly 12 psychiatrists in my area. 7 cater specifically to children. 2 are not taking new patients. 1 claims they aren’t covered by my insurance and VERY rudely told me that I must be reading wrong they could not possibly be listed on the screen in front of me, and that I should really try and read things right….yes, because I made up their phone number all on my own. The two that are taking new patients are no help. One is booked until September and the other one doesn’t even answer their phone until after 1pm. So. There’s that. Thanks for nothing!
I had my husband go pick up my refill for Prevacid. I’ve been on this nearly four years now. Why? Because when I’m not I wake up in the middle of the night puking up acid burning bile and you know, that kind of hurts. Guess why. My insurance doesn’t cover it. They don’t even cover the generic. In fact they flat out don’t cover the drug at all. My doctor can write an appeal but before they approve it I will have to try two other prescribed medicines before they even think about possibly approving it. The good news is I can pay cash out of pocket for Prevacid and it is only $159.00 per bottle per month, which isn’t bad right? I don’t need power or water in my house. Or, I can buy the kind they now sell over the counter. They sell it in a half dose so to purchase enough to equal what I take it would be roughly $80.00. Great to hear right? Who needs cable or Internet?
Two more of my doctors will now be considered specialists meaning, what? HIGHER CO-PAY.
I am supposed to have a surgery this year only we just got done paying off my husbands and our max out of pocket is $9,000.00 and you know I don’t really have nine grand just laying around. To make it more fun I found out that the shot I need before the surgery (Lupron) isn’t even covered by insurance at all, not even 80/20 so I would have to come up with $700.00 out of pocket just to get the shot, $25.00 for a doctor visit to order the shot and $25.00 for the visit to administer the shot. Then $25.00 for the pre-op. Then the surgery, which includes paying, the doctor, the anesthesiologist, the hospital and the lab company. Then of course the cost of a post op visit. So I might as well sign over the next 6 months of my paychecks to that doctor.
Oh and. My husbands new nose doctor informed me that his old nose doctor did the wrong thing and the surgery we just paid for was basically moot and he wants to do a new surgery so lets see, co-pay + hospital + mental institution + loads of alcohol + post op = JESUS FUCKING HELL SOMEONE KILL ME.
I know my husbands work saved a lot of money with this insurance plan but what in the fuck did he think it would do to us? And where in the hell is my free tub of lube for being forced to deal with this bullshit insurance company, and what the fuck don’t I even get a bottle of wine or something? If I’m going to get screwed you can at least buy me a drink first!