I’m pretty sure somewhere in heaven God is laughing at me.  I carry a purse.  Inside my purse is my wallet.  Inside of my wallet is my little card case.

 

Inside of that I have my id, my debit card, my chick account debit card and my Smiths card.  I keep those in the little case because sometimes if I’m just going to dinner or a movie I don’t want to carry my wallet, so I just grab that.  I carry my purse often, but if I’m being truthful it usually hangs out in my car doing nothing but carrying stuff I "might" need one day.  (Note to car jackers: Ha ha if you break in and steal my purse, you just scored, two notebooks, a MAC lip gloss, kids toys, infant motrin, and two pens, that’s one hell of a steal huh.) I bring my purse in the house once in a while, if my parents take my car, or if I need to get my checkbook or whatever.  These are the stories of why THAT IS A REALLY FUCKING STUPID IDEA!

Two months ago weeks ago I pick Brandon up from school and because I’m feeling nice I decide to surprise him and take him to get that Birthday cake milkshake that Burger King had for a while.  He was sooo excited.  We go in and order.  Milkshake, kids cheese burger, fries for Codi, and a milk.  Then the guy asks for my card.  No problem, I reach into my wallet and NO CARD CASE.  Goddamit I had went out the night before and the fucking thing was in my pants pocket in my laundry hamper AT HOME.  

….

I just stare at the guy

…

Uhhh, I don’t have a debit card (this looks 3 times more stupid because I have a wallet in my hand so I look like I’m full of shit) so um, yeah can you cancel that order.  I was soo embarrassed.  Who cancels an order at a fast food place?  Of course since I promised Brandon that meant I had to drive home, get my debit card and go back.  Since there is only one Burger King near me I had to go to that one and REORDER from the same guy.  Walk of shame people.

So, two months later feeling nice again I decide to stop and let Brandon get a Double Stack (NOT a double cheese burger, not a junior double cheese burger a DOUBLE STACK) with a side of bacon, ketchup only, two frosties and fries for Codi.  The lady says "great that will be $6.98."

…..

OMFG I am in the drive through with no wallet. None, no wallet, card case, nothing and I’m pretty sure Burger King won’t take a check.  I did the adult thing and sped out of there as fast as I could.  I was lucky that I could drive out of that drive through with out actually passing the window.  Both of the boys started yelling at me about their frosties and double stack and FAIL MOM.  Back home we go.  Get the wallet and since I’m NOT going back to the same drive through and ordering the same meal I convince Brandon that Burger King has a great double cheeseburger (thank god he loved it).  

 

Fast forward to today.  I was at work, and Brandon is sick so he was at work with me.  Rob doesn’t get off work until six which means I would have to miss the gym because I don’t want to take a sick kid to the gym (do you hear that mom who brought her kid to the gym daycare with pink eye ASSHOLE).  I ask my mom if I get the boys to sleep at the same time can I go to the gym during work. This is fine, but it suddenly turns into about 4 more errands.  Okay cool it’s nice out who doesn’t mind driving.  Then I remembered I had to pick up a building permit. And since my city is broke the permit place is only open until three rather then 4:30 like normal. FUCK!  I have to go now.  I have one hour and thirty minutes.  I needed to go pay a bill, hit up three banks, go to Office Depot and do that.  I pay the bill and I have one hour and fifteen minutes left.  I decide that when I go to the gym I want to swim.  But crap I don’t have my gym bag so I don’t have a bathing suit.  GENIUS I’ll just run to Walmart and buy one. You have got to be kidding, I don’t have my fucking purse.  I contemplate driving home but realize I have my check book, SCORE.  I look at the clock I have 14 minutes and I know I can make it in time.  I run in and manage to find a massively cute bathing suit and even find matching tops and bottoms (impossible at Walmart, I think people buy all of the bottoms to the bathing suit I like just to fuck with me).  I get up to the check out and was so happy to see that there was only one person in front of me in the express lane.  Hell ya I’m going to make it!

"Can I see your ID"

…..

Fucking fuck shit fuck.  ID are you kidding me.  I guess I’m so used to every store in town knowing me well enough to take a check, not to mention most places will do it if the sale is under $20.00.  So now I’m standing there with the lady behind me standing so close she could be a hemroid.  I am begging the cashier in front of all these people but NOOOOOO.  

Walk of shame out of Walmart.

I came home got my gym bag, got my purse and hauled balls to the permit place.  I luckily made it in time and then made it to the gym (minus one super cute bathing suit) and things turned out okay.

Moral of the story?  I think I need to go to my bank and ask for an extra debit card on our account.  One that I can keep in my car for emergencies like the above examples since it appears I do this shit often.

 

Okay and on to a totally different topic.  My Smith store always has shopping carts outside with things on mega clearance (hello Cheerios for .79) and I ALWAYS stop and look because one day I might need an arm load of tongs and Easter bunnies.  But today, oh boy, today, there was my favorite Always brand of maxi pads.  Pads are expensive and there they were for only $2.00.  

TWO DOLLARS.  

But I stopped.  I they were sort of at the bottom of the cart and I realized I wasn’t brave enough to be the girl digging to the bottom of a cart for maxi pads, nor was I brave enough to carry my clearance pads to the check out.  So tell me, would you have gotten them and thrown your pride aside?  Or would you have run screaming like a four year old the way I did?

Both of my kids are picky eaters.  Well Brandon isn’t anymore but he used to be.  Both of my kids are also very skinny.  Brandon was in the 10th percentile for weight for almost three years and Codi spent a whole year in the 3rd percentile.  Their pediatrician was pretty clear on the matter:

1. If they want to eat it let them, as long as they are eating something

2. Anything bad for a woman on a diet is good for them right now

I guess I took that a little seriously huh?  The other problem is that my kids have a way of getting other things in their mouth that aren’t food.  But the biggest problem is papa, he lets them have anything because he is wrapped around their finger.  I only wish I had a picture of Brandon at 3 months old when my dad tried to feed him a chocolate doughnut. 

Once upon a time Brandon found a tub of butter in the fridge and decided it tasted good.  He not only ate over half of the tub of butter, he also stripped totally naked, covered himself in butter and started sliding around on the kitchen floor at my work.

Codi just has issues with getting the food in his mouth.  This past summer he pretty much lived on pop-sicles while teething.  He came home stained a different color every day.

But once, the little shit mistook a stamp pad for something delicious.  He was so fucking pissed off when I had to clean all of this red off of him.  My niece was supposed to be watching him…oops.

Cream cheese.  From day one.  Yes, that is my son eating a bowl of cream cheese with his fingers.  No need for crackers, a bagel or even a spoon.

I will never understand why it is so hard for kids to just get the ice cream in their mouth.  And yes, that was his dinner…but he ate right???

Brandons second Halloween we stopped by my grandmas house.  She gave him a Hershey’s bar.  On the way to another grandmas house I let him have a piece while we were driving.  Rob got mad and said I shouldn’t do that, because he could make a mess.  I told Rob to shove it.  About three blocks from our destination i suddenly smelled chocolate.  Then I thought wait, I SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SMELL IT.  We pulled over and this is what I found.  I guess Rob was right.

 

A while back at the grocery store Brandon was going on and on about being hungry.  I asked what he wanted and of course he replied "cream cheese."  Being the A+ mom I am of course I obliged!

About a year ago my dad was watching the boys.  Rob came home to find out that papa had indeed fed them dinner.  Brandon wasn’t quite finished with his yet.

But was it the popsicle or the high lighter?

 

When Codi won’t eat and starts losing weight I have one full proof plan. CHOCOLATE!

This was their dinner one night when we were out at the rib cook off.  Excellent dinner eh?

We can’t have peanut butter anywhere because of Brandon’s allergy BUT we do have tons of soy butter.  Surprisingly Codi likes it.  Usually he dips his apple in it.  But some times he says fuck the apple, screw the utensils I’m using my fingers!

And there might have been one accidental incident where Codi might have possibly eaten a little bit of dirt.

What I learned?  Never leave Brandon alone with pudding again!

Hey look, that was vitamin fortified milk GO ME for being healthy…too bad Codi didn’t realize the milk box wasn’t a sippy cup.

To reiterate…papa feeds the boys excellent dinners!

I WIN I WIN I WIN I WIN I WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I WIN

 

I told him last night that this can go on for eternity.  It was supposed to stop when I hit my goal weight but I can easily stay one pound over my goal weight just so he suffers.  Guess I scared him!

My husband got his panties in a bunch because I didn’t mention his time on the Climb the Legacy thing.  Mr. Show off pants came in at 5:05, 23rd place out of 271 people.  Pretty fucking amazing huh?  I’m proud of him can’t wait for next year when we both train harder. 

I made it to the top of that fucker in 10 minutes 32 seconds.  Next year I’m training double time…I’m coming for you stairs! (Yeah, looks pretty high huh?  It’s even higher when your coming around a corner panting and dying and some dick fuck says smile and snaps your picture)

 

I keep everything.  By everything I mean EVERYTHING. The old calendars from my date books, letters, notes, you name it I have it.  I’ll be the first to admit I cried a lot of tears over guys in high school BUT I’ll also admit there is a reason they used to call me heartbreaker.  I wasn’t always the fat crazy (maybe was crazy) girl I am now.  I used to be pretty hot.  I was just going through some pictures and I came across a ton of love letters from guys.  The humorous part is how many of them talk about loving me after I’d only known them for a week or so.  The extra funny part is how many of them are dated in the same week but from different guys.  I was kind of a player.  

I was thinking about posting some of these guys love letters.  They are hilarious, but, I’m not sure if that would piss my husband off or not.  There are so many things I did from the time I was about 16 until I was 19 that a lot of people don’t know about.  There are guys that some of my best friends only just found out about.  Or stories of my cheating ways that are slowly coming out.  Going through all of this stuff should make me feel bad but really, it makes me laugh and at the same time it makes me smile.  I had some pretty fucking awesome years when I was younger.  I’m not just finding pictures of guys, but nights out.  They are so funny to me because unless you were there you would never know why that picture is so funny.  Like the picture of my friend and I at the Nugget splitting an ice cream sunday, that doesn’t seem funny to you, but if you knew how totally stoned we were and how long we searched for that ice cream sunday, the picture is much funnier.  I’m going to dig around in them and think about this, what is your opinion, should I do it or not?

 

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that Codi is pretty much potty trained.  He wakes up dry every day but I’m mostly too nervous to let him sleep with out a diaper or pull up.  This mean he is really new to learning when and where to go potty.

Last week I pick the boys up from school and I’ve become pretty good friends with his teacher so we chat for a while and then leave.  I walk out and notice her boyfriend there ready to pick her up and I smile and keep walking to the car. I have a lunch box and a bunch of papers in my hand so my goal is just to get all of that in the car before the boys take off running through the rocks and trying to climb the flag pole.  I get to the car and Brandon says, "mom I have to go potty."  Of course I said, "dude we were just inside for over 10 minutes why didn’t you say it then?" As I’m saying this I’m putting all the shit in the car when I hear Codi of course repeat that he he has to go potty too.  I put the last of the stuff in the car and look up to tell them we can go inside when I see Codi standing directly in front of the Pre School doors (and right in front of his teachers boyfriend) with his pants and undies all the way around his ankles thrusting his "parts" out as far as he can giggling his ass off and PEEING alllllll over the side walk.  I was too embarrassed to look at the boyfriend to see if he noticed so I just grab Codi mid pee and was dashing to the car while trying to pull his undies up at the same time.  I get to the car open the door and turn around to see Brandon (my very smart very potty trained, knows better 4 year old) standing about three feet from where Codi just was standing pants around his ankles thrusting his "parts" out even far, no hands and just laughing his ass off trying to see how far across the sidewalk he could pee.

Then I died.  Because at this point I saw about three other parents were coming in and out, the boyfriend for sure saw and one of the teachers had even seen.  I get Brandon in the car and his teacher comes walking out to meet her boyfriend and I said, and I quote, "DO YOU SEE WHAT MY ASSHOLE LITTLE KIDS JUST DID."  She looks down, sees two puddles and looks up at me, looks down again and is like," OMG is that pee????????  The mortified look on my face confirmed it.  She told me she was going to talk to Brandon about tomorrow and we were one our way.  

Minutes later she texted me to tell me that her boyfriend saw the whole thing and was STILL laughing about it.  In fact the next day he was still laughing about it.  The remainder of that ride home went from bad to worse.  Codi spent the next fifteen minutes saying FUCK FUCK FUCK.  This prompted Brandon to say, "moooooom Codi said FUCK CODI SAID FUCK."  

AHHHHHHHGAHDLKSAJGAIO;RSGJAW;RGNTAO;RIGN;OAIDHFGAREGH;ARUHG;OAEWUIHG

I was about 4 seconds from ripping my pink hair out.  Instead I said, "Brandon, you know you don’t have to REPEAT the word Codi said, you can just say Codi said a bad word."  The car was silent for about 13 seconds before the two of them went at it again.  Codi touched Brandons car seat, so Brandon punched him and on and on and on and on.  And then Brandon says, "moooooooom Codi is being an ASSBUTT." 

I deserved that didn’t I?  That’s what I get for calling my boys assholes right in front of their face huh?

I called Rob and told him I was meeting him right away and he was taking the kids because I was about 4 seconds from totally curling in a ball and dying!  I dropped them off, drove to Scheels, returned some shoes, then got myself a nice cup of gelatto.  But don’t worry, I went right to the gym after!

He will put a fresh hand/dish towel on the counter, and with out fail I will immedietly use it to wipe up some kind of spill and then put it back.  Drives him NUTS.

I never flush the toilet when I pee at night (unless it’s my girl time of the month) because for some reason toilet flushing at night scares the fuck out of me.  He huffs and puffs at me every morning.

Say something just as he was thinking it.  He always tells me to get out of his head.  I think it’s hilarious.

Britney reminded me of this one, I clip my toenails on the couch.  It drives him batshit crazy because he clips his toenails outside.  Psh, I’m not freezing my ass off for that. 

I leave about 17 episodes of Oprah and 42 episodes of Rachel Ray.  He gives me nasty looks every time he scrolls through the DVR.

I use the kitchen island as a desk/dumping ground/mail center.  Basically when I walk in the house most everything ends up on the island.

I am terrible at putting my laundry away.  He runs around and puts his laundry away the second it’s folded.  Me, I just stare at it for a while and will it to get put away.

I giggle at the gym.

I pile blankets on the boys at night even though I’m well aware that they both kick them off and sweat.

I crank the heater up to 72 if I get a little bit cold while he sweats and melts.  

I complain allll night long about the noise the fan makes in the summer when it is 90 degrees outside, eventually making him turning it off.

I leave stuff in his car every single time I drive it.  

My car is always messy.

The list goes on and on.  What do you do to drive your spouse nuts?