I hate having to get all serious and shit with you guys, but periodically I have to, in order to give you an accurate update. I’ve been off the Lithium and Lamictal for a while now. I can tell you, that was a huge mistake. I can’t believe the difference. It was huge. Vivid. Worse then a pink elephant in a room, try a pink skyscraper with flashing lights and blaring music. I want to take you back a few months to a talk Rob and I had.
Rob has never really understood medicine. In fact a few people in my life haven’t. I think for people who aren’t going through what I am, understanding the necessity of it is hard. Rob has always said, “If you don’t want to be sad then don’t, mind over matter.” That would be easy if I had a brain that functioned like an average human. He has also always said he worried the medications were dangerous. Are they? Sure. Are the medications he takes for certain things dangerous? YUP. I always countered back asking him if he missed the person I was before the meds. Somehow in his mind he had kind of blocked it. He says he’s been with me for nine years and that is just the person he knows. I can’t begin to tell you how sad that makes me feel, to know that my husband thinks living with an insane person is normal. No one should find living with me normal. I told him I didn’t miss being the yelly screamy mom. The mom who became unhinged with a little question or spill or sneeze. I did not miss that. Again, he seemed to have blocked it out.
This past two weeks have been a bit of a reality check for him. When I came down off the medication I came down hard and fast. It was instant. He didn’t get a grace period. There was no time to ease back into the crazy lady it was just gone one day and BAMN it was there the next morning. I crumbled pretty fast. Very fast. Of course the first thing I did was self medicate. I bought some wine and had that after work knowing it would ease the tension in my head. Only that caused new tension because now I was drinking again and that was bad. He saw that too and commented on that. He saw me crumble nightly and he handled me with such care. I will never forget the night when he just grabbed my face and looked me right in the eyes and said, “Shannon I love you okay, I love you. I just need you to know I love you and I need you to be okay.” That was hard. It was hard knowing I had this man who would do anything for me, and having two kids who loved me unconditionally and I couldn’t function well enough to give that back to them.
I had been trying to see my doctor but he can’t see me until April 25th. My new insurance doesn’t have a single doctor available so I found myself at a crossroads. I was stuck. I had been hounding my doctors receptionist for a cancellation appointment and finally I just asked her to have the doctor call me. He did and about two minutes into the conversation he knew I was bad off. He asked if I wanted to go back on the Lamictal since it wouldn’t mess with my weight and it gave me energy. I said YES PLEASE NOW PLEASE HOW ABOUT YESTERDAY. He had a starter pack put at the front desk for me right away, luckily that will run out right in time for my next appointment. I think he was happy this happened, it was a learning experience for me. When he said I could go off with no fight thought that just meant it was okay, but now I see he needed me to learn that the medicine was actually doing me some good.
I’ve started back on the Lamictal. The hard part is it will take four weeks to be up to a useful dose. Which means I’m stuck in this darkness for another month. It doesn’t help that shit seems to seek me out when I’m in a fragile unguarded state like this. So many family things crept up this last month and handling it is near impossible. Very unlike myself this time I kind of just walked away from it. I sort of just shut it all down and pretended none of it existed. I wasn’t going to even attempt to sort it out or deal with it so I just put it on a shelf and I’ve decided I’ll maybe revisit it all when I get my head right again.
In the mean time my husband is being very patient with me. I kind of disconnected and I’ve picked a few fights (but he’s said some stupid things) and I’ve made it a hard couple weeks. I went to take a shower the other day and he popped up in there and asked if he could come in since we were low on hot water. He just kept asking if I was okay, if we were okay, and I am and we are, or, I will be and we will be. Again he just hugged me and told me how much he loves me. I think I’m lucky I ended up with someone like him. I can’t imagine going through all of this with another kind of man. Not all men would be willing to stick it out like he does. But it’s possible that he just loves me more then some husbands love their wives. Being married to him has often been a stabilizing force in my life. Knowing in the back of my head that I found someone that I actually belong with helps because it makes it so I never lose site of the fact that I do belong here, I need to be here.
Once again I find myself happy that my kids are young. I don’t want them to remember these phases. I hope from now on I can just stay on my medicine and be that good mom I was when Brandon was first born. I want to be the mom all the kids love. I want my boys to bring his friends to my house. I don’t want them to feel like they have to hide me.
I am also hopeful my head will get back in the gym. I’ve been going but not as whole hearted as before. I do my cardio but I’ve pretty much put my weights in the shitter. I have reasons of course, “I need to concentrate on losing pounds before I worry about muscle,” “ There is no reason to build muscle if you can’t see it under the fat.” I can’t wait to be back on a full dose of this medicine because that is what helped me kick ass at the gym. It made me crave the gym, want the weights, want to go every day, strive for 4-5 days a week. I hope so much that it will do the same this time and I will be back in action soon.
I am glad that I have hope. I’m glad that I haven’t been off the medicine so long that I forgot how good it was. I told Rob the other day that one of the hardest parts of coming down is the fact that I can remember how great every thing was only weeks ago yet it is nearly impossible to go back to where I was and it’s like a teaser reel playing over and over in my head.
As always I’ll keep you all up to date. I’m doing my best. Taking it day by day. Trying to shut my mouth when my husband sends me a warning glance because I’m being an asshole to the boys. Trying to pretty much avoid anything that will cause me to either become a belligerent jerk off or run home crying like a two year old. I’m trying. Trying is all I can do right now, and I’m doing it. Wish me luck.