It must be the alcohol

I’m pretty sure it is the mom in me, but, I cannot go to the bathroom with out shutting the door.  Even if I am home alone it is now instinct to shut AND LOCK the door.  Why?  Because four years of having some shit head little kid walk in while you are peeing can give a girl a complex.  And really, four years of having a kid walk in while you are changing your pad, and then ask if "you are changing your diaper" will really give you a complex.

Nine years later I still won’t pee with the door open if Rob is near the room.  In fact.  If Rob is home I won’t pee with the door open if he is in the house PERIOD.

Nine years later if I pooped (because girls don’t, obviously) I will not do so in the same room as Rob.  Which means, if he is in bed rather then go into our bathroom and poo (if girls did, which we don’t) I’d rather go to bed with a belly ache then…do that while he is in ear shot.  Could I go downstairs and poo? Sure, but then HE WOULD KNOW I WAS POOING BECAUSE I WENT DOWN STAIRS.

It’s hard being a woman. 

I am going out this weekend.  If there are any hip young girls who read my blog can you please school this old lady on what the cool kids wear out these days?  Please keep in mind my jiggly bits when you are telling me what to wear. 

The new limited edition S’mores ice cream is the most stupidly delicious ice cream I’ve ever tasted in my life. EVER.  Why why why is it limited?  WHY?  In fact, it is better then the Thing Mint ice cream which is a very tall order.  But y’all any slow churned ice cream that still has bits of graham cracker goodness and whole marshmallows totally kicks ass in my book.

My husband is at a soft ball game.  My parents have the kids and I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  Am I really so old that I spend my first night all alone doing nothing but watching Top Chef and eating ice cream?  Isn’t there something worthy I’m supposed to do?

I have cracked my knuckles about 7 times since typing this.

I hate when people lick their finger to turn pages.  If it’s your book fine.  But when I stop by to pick up paper work and you lick all over your fingers and then touch your nasty ass grubby fucking germs on my paper I want to karate chop you.  Why why why do you feel like it is okay to smear your disease infected saliva on my papers? WHY???  This happened to me a couple weeks back when I had to pick up a material receipt from a supplier.  I wanted to vomit on myself when he handed me the paper.  I tried so hard to remember where he touched it so that I didn’t put my fingers anywhere near his nasty teeth, smoker mouth, gross ass saliva.

The dishwasher guy came over yesterday to look at my dish washer.  It doesn’t seem to dissolve all of the soap and…I dunno it just doesn’t seem to work right.  His answer, "well your water isn’t getting hot fast enough.

HOOOOOOLD ON THERE SPARKY.  Didja know the part about me having instant hot water?  Instant.  Do you know what instant means?  It means that if you turn my faucet to hot turn it on and put your hand under it YOU WILL GET BURNED.

The guy looks at me and says, well I understand that you think you have instant hot water but just to be safe you should probably run your sink water for about 3 minutes before starting your dish washer so the water gets hot enough.


Did you read that?

THREE MOTHER FUCKING MINUTES.  This guy was old, but fuck I didn’t know he was senile.  So again.  Slowly and very calmly I explained my instant hot water.  To which he shook his head, and said, yes honey I know you "think" your water gets hot fast but water has to run a while until it heats up.

I wanted to bang my head into a wall. So I had him stand up, put his hand under my faucet and turn it on.  Fucking shocker it was hot!  No shit sherlock.  And he says, "well that is because we have been messing with the dish washer for a while so the water has had a chance to turn hot.

In the end I gave up.  Totally gave up, said okay sure, what ever crazy old man and sent him on his way.  

This reminds me of a totally random story. I might have told you about it a hundred years ago on this blog, but I have new readers, so old readers, tough luck you get to hear it again.  When we were moving in here the alarm guys came out.  They asked where I wanted the alarm bell thinger.  I said, well I don’t want it right out in the open because it hurts my kids ears.  They said, no that wasn’t possible. OOOKAAY.  So then they ask where I want my key pad.  I show them where and they say, "nope not possible." Look.  I’m a nice girl. But when you tell me no with out even kind of trying well…I’m going to get testy.  So geek boy one and nerd boy two try and tell me where they need to put my key pad and where my alarm bell thingy is going to go.  

I cross my arms and say, "NO I WANT IT HERE."

Shit for brains guy #1 again tells me no.  Right about this moment my dad looks over and sees that I am 1975 days into a remodel, I’m testy, and I want what I fucking want AND THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.  He turns to the guys, looks around for a total of about three seconds and says, "okay, let me show you, obviously you can’t figure this out."  With in 30 minutes the moron twins had my shit wired in right where I wanted it.  

Huh.  Imagine that.

I’m sure it comes from 20+ years of my dad running thermostat wire into places about the size of an ant hole, but what really pissed me off is that they just said no.  NO.  How do you say no with out even trying?  It is probably good my dad was there that day because I think I would have thrown those assholes out.

The humorous part is my dad looks like a totally normal guy.  Like some average Heating guy, or construction guy.  But he is not.  He is a fucking genius.  It kind of drives me crazy.  Growing up I would ask how to spell something and he would say "look it up."  Man that shit pissed me off.  But, I guess he must be so smart because he "looked it up" all those years.  Anyway, the funniest part was that these guys looked at him like he was crazy.  Like he couldn’t possibly know what he was talking about.  These two youngins thought they were going to school him.  Silly silly boys. They must not have "looked it up" when they were learning their job huh?

People give me so much hell for my Google addiction.  But, that is why.  I’d rather Google the dumbest thing and figure it out then remain ignorant while pretending to know what I’m doing.  Which is why, last week when Patty got her iPhone I was adamant that she get the Google ap.  So she could Google such things as sauté.  Although why she would Google that instead of me just baffles me.  Point being.  That damn Google ap is the best free thing I ever put on my iPhone.  

Google can get me in a little trouble too.  I have a habit of Googling people and finding out naughty bits that I shouldn’t.  Don’t people know in this day and age you should stop being a fucking idiot because if not I will Google you and find out your dirty little secrets.  Then of course I will get Ginger on Yahoo and show her my Google find, then 90% of the time I will get my mom on Yahoo and share my little Google gem, and then…99% of the time I end up in trouble.

Point being, if you are a thief, a baby stealer, a cheater, an asshole, a player, a cheat, a bad business man, or a closet gay man who is married I WILL FIND YOU!!!!!

Okay.  I should stop talking now.  You see, this is what happens when I’m left home alone with nothing but ice cream and amaretto. 

Uh oh, maybe I shouldn’t talk about all of this….you might all be able to Google me some day.


PS my spell check says that: Poo, fuck and thingy are not real words.  They obviously haven’t fucking met me.

7 thoughts on “It must be the alcohol

  1. I love Smore’s ice cream. Why is it considered a limited edition? It has been on the shelves for like 3 years. That’s more of a long term engagement.
    Last time I went out I wore jeans, a tank top and flip flops. Seriously. People don’t dress up in big city Boise. Which I love. Because I would much rather be wearing jeans and flip flops than anything else.


  2. Unless the boys are here we never close the bathroom doors, well Kirk does when he is reading the paper but it just stays open when we pee. I can pee anywhere in a parking lot, the mountains it doesn’t matter. I think Rob knows you shit that’s like having an orgasm does he know you do that. Its just part of your body don’t be ashamed of it. Have you ever had a farting contest? See when you grow up around boys you do. You missed out on things like that not having a bother if you did you would be used to things of that nature but then you did have Kirk and he would always embarrass you when your friend where there and come in fart in you room. Now that you have boys you will learn it’s funny to fart and everyone shits. Glad you got to spend sometime alone.


  3. I don’t know how many times I can tell you that I’m a lady and ladies don’t fart…or burp. And yes I may poo but that doesn’t mean it needs to be all obvious with Rob. Not to mention he has openly said a girl farting in front of him would be mega gross. I’m just a lady mom…That is all there is too it.


  4. Girly you gotta get over the poop thing. EVERY ONE POOPS! Even you. I suggest you go sit next to hubs n fart. A serious fart. You’ll laugh and get over it. Second, you need to wear some nice looking jeans (code: that fit well), heels (no need for 6″ tho) and a cute top (black halter, strapless or cute tank, etc – something sexy, but of age). You’ll look fabulicious!!


  5. Hey when I gotta go I gotta go. My bladder is not shy. That’s why Karen wanted me to download the sit or squat app for bathroom locations in malls etc. I really don’t need it. I know where all the bathrooms are because of my dad. Since his bladder cancer when he needs a bathroom the world stops until he’s comfortable. OK TMI there but whatever.
    LOVE LOVE the Google app.
    Download Foursquare and Around Me…love those too!
    seriously are you ever gonna forget the saute thing! LOL
    Oh jeans & a black shirt…anynight still in style.


  6. I think you need to get drunk and FART. (You like to tell me to get drunk and have sex… so I’m turning it around on you… pun intended. lol)
    Seriously…all guys say it’s really gross when a guy farts…but how come they can crop dust US and we can’t rip a big one on THEM? Double standards, and I won’t take that.
    Yes, I close the door too. Potty time is private time. Even with a certain 2 year old girl sitting outside the bathroom door whining for mommy. It IS really cute to see her stick her fingers under the door, though. lol.


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