I call this the moment before the OH SHITTTTTTTTTTTT!

 Monterey CA & Carmel CA

• Their toys are smarter them me:  Bakugan’s are Brandon’s new favorite toy.  I don’t even know what the damn things do but I having a feeling the reason he loves them so much is just because they make me so totally crazy.  Little pieces that have to fold up, tuck in, twist this way then that, and then if you don’t put it down with a feather light touch the mother fucker comes all apart again and my kids just crack up and make me do it again.
• Anything Transformers.  I really thought Brandon turning five would be the big breaking point.  I thought by by Transformers.  Fuck I’d even be nicer about Iron man.  BUT NO!!!! He got older and now he likes them more.  Transformers are smarter then me.  I have yet to meet a Transformer I can figure out. Even Codi’s just for two year old Transformers that My seventy three year old grandma could probably put together out smart me.  Seriously, I tried to play with one and couldn’t figure it out and my husband just shook his head and called me his "special little girl."  Not to mention the boys always ask me to play Transformers.  HOW DO YOU PLAY TRANSFORMERS?  I can play Barbies, I’ll outplay anyone in Barbies.  I can play dress up, play house, pretend I’m Bob Ross and paint a happy little tree but for the life of me I don’t know how to play Transformers.
• Attitude.  Brandon is in Kindergarten now which means he goes to school with a bunch of kids who have older siblings.  This means his friends pass on their siblings bad attitude and Brandon just loves to come home and try it out on me.  Both of my boys have perfected the STOMP.  Brandon can stomp from one room, up the stairs, up another flight of stairs, to his room and back down the stairs and never miss a beat.  Codi, whoah Codi can stand still and stomp his little feet so bad that I swear I give him anything just to make him stop before he busts a hole in the floor.
• They get all brave and shit.  Brandon decided he’s old enough to go to the bigger kids in the after school program and teach them the word FUCK.  Yes.  Codi isn’t that brave yet but I guess turning five makes my son put on his big boy pants and go teaching ten year olds the word FUCK.
• I have to shop over on the older boys section now.  I’m not okay with that.  Pants cost more, shirts are edgier, old lunch boxes are suddenly just not cool enough and now I have to buy special boxer briefs with certain designs because people are going to see them under his clothes??????  
• Brandon knows about money now.  The after school program allows them to bring money for snacks and suddenly every 3 days he wants money because he NEEEEEEEDS popcorn at this place or extra  money to play games.  Because he will just die if I don’t give him $5.00 to spend winning a .30 toy.
• They just look old.  Codi is the age Brandon was when he was born.  Brandon might as well be in high school he looks so old.  Kid is breaking my heart.  Every day when I pick him up he is 5" taller and 3 years older.  I don’t like it.  Why is it when I was 18 all I wanted was time to speed up so I could be 21.  When I was 15 it felt like 16 was four years away.  But now, I just finish cleaning up after a 4th birthday party and suddenly it’s time for a 5th birthday party.  I DON’T LIKE IT.  I like watching Wubzy.  I don’t like watching the big kid channel.  I don’t like them being to cool for Elmo. Fuck I don’t like them being too cool for me.  Brandon already doesn’t want to hug me bye in front of his friends.  Codi already tells me to get out of his room and that I can’t cuddle anymore.  What the fuck, I need like five more years of cuddling and these little shits are already daddies boys who are totally over mom.

Open note to time,

Go ahead and slow down please, I need another year of cuddles, another year of hugs, and another 3 years of having kids who don’t go to school and teach everyone the word FUCK!

How many tattoos do I have now?

 

(Facebook friends no cheating)

So. I would say the last 10 weeks or so have really kicked my ass.  Between my grandpa dying, thinking my family was making up to find out they were going to be bigger assholes, an adoption situation, an asshole tenant, literally not sleeping more then 3 hours at a time, and only sleeping with the help of valium, getting so worked up with kids and life that I actually started thinking smashing dishes against the wall sounded like the best idea in the world.  I’m not giving my husband the attention he deserves.  I’m yelling like crazy, I’m overwhelmed, preoccupied, angry, drained and lost in my head.  I lost a lot of income in the last month and went from putting away a lot of money to savings to being negative every week and being pay check to paycheck.

My psychiatrist spent the full hour shaking his head at me today and finally asked me how in the hell I had made it past the last 3 weeks.  The second to last time he saw me I had walked from the hospital where my grandpa was dying down a busy road, walked in his office while he had a client in and demanded to be medicated before I turned around walked to ER and asked to be sedated.  He ended up doubling my medication, more then doubling my dose of valium and telling me I can not go more then a month with out seeing him.  He has no idea what to do with me since I’ve pretty much admitted I’ve gotten lost in my head and I don’t want out because as shit tastic as my head is right now I’m comfortable in here right now, I know how to function this way.  

So.  Ginger and I want to go to San Francisco and spend a three days doing nothing but eat good food and go dick around at kid museums and ice cream shops.  I need to get out of town.  Get away from everything, spend a road trip blasting Miley, spend 2 hours in line in the morning to get into the best breakfast place in America, and follow that up with going to a fresh bakery and proceed to taste on of every single thing in there. I promise you, if I don’t get to go out of town in two weeks, shit will hit the fan, things will be broken, and people will be screamed out.