Reasons I don't like my kids getting older

  • Their toys are smarter them me:  Bakugan’s are Brandon’s new favorite toy.  I don’t even know what the damn things do but I having a feeling the reason he loves them so much is just because they make me so totally crazy.  Little pieces that have to fold up, tuck in, twist this way then that, and then if you don’t put it down with a feather light touch the mother fucker comes all apart again and my kids just crack up and make me do it again.
  • Anything Transformers.  I really thought Brandon turning five would be the big breaking point.  I thought by by Transformers.  Fuck I’d even be nicer about Iron man.  BUT NO!!!! He got older and now he likes them more.  Transformers are smarter then me.  I have yet to meet a Transformer I can figure out. Even Codi’s just for two year old Transformers that My seventy three year old grandma could probably put together out smart me.  Seriously, I tried to play with one and couldn’t figure it out and my husband just shook his head and called me his "special little girl."  Not to mention the boys always ask me to play Transformers.  HOW DO YOU PLAY TRANSFORMERS?  I can play Barbies, I’ll outplay anyone in Barbies.  I can play dress up, play house, pretend I’m Bob Ross and paint a happy little tree but for the life of me I don’t know how to play Transformers.
  • Attitude.  Brandon is in Kindergarten now which means he goes to school with a bunch of kids who have older siblings.  This means his friends pass on their siblings bad attitude and Brandon just loves to come home and try it out on me.  Both of my boys have perfected the STOMP.  Brandon can stomp from one room, up the stairs, up another flight of stairs, to his room and back down the stairs and never miss a beat.  Codi, whoah Codi can stand still and stomp his little feet so bad that I swear I give him anything just to make him stop before he busts a hole in the floor.
  • They get all brave and shit.  Brandon decided he’s old enough to go to the bigger kids in the after school program and teach them the word FUCK.  Yes.  Codi isn’t that brave yet but I guess turning five makes my son put on his big boy pants and go teaching ten year olds the word FUCK.
  • I have to shop over on the older boys section now.  I’m not okay with that.  Pants cost more, shirts are edgier, old lunch boxes are suddenly just not cool enough and now I have to buy special boxer briefs with certain designs because people are going to see them under his clothes??????  
  • Brandon knows about money now.  The after school program allows them to bring money for snacks and suddenly every 3 days he wants money because he NEEEEEEEDS popcorn at this place or extra  money to play games.  Because he will just die if I don’t give him $5.00 to spend winning a .30 toy.
  • They just look old.  Codi is the age Brandon was when he was born.  Brandon might as well be in high school he looks so old.  Kid is breaking my heart.  Every day when I pick him up he is 5" taller and 3 years older.  I don’t like it.  Why is it when I was 18 all I wanted was time to speed up so I could be 21.  When I was 15 it felt like 16 was four years away.  But now, I just finish cleaning up after a 4th birthday party and suddenly it’s time for a 5th birthday party.  I DON’T LIKE IT.  I like watching Wubzy.  I don’t like watching the big kid channel.  I don’t like them being to cool for Elmo. Fuck I don’t like them being too cool for me.  Brandon already doesn’t want to hug me bye in front of his friends.  Codi already tells me to get out of his room and that I can’t cuddle anymore.  What the fuck, I need like five more years of cuddling and these little shits are already daddies boys who are totally over mom.

Open note to time,

Go ahead and slow down please, I need another year of cuddles, another year of hugs, and another 3 years of having kids who don’t go to school and teach everyone the word FUCK!

4 thoughts on “Reasons I don't like my kids getting older

  1. I am right there with you! Just wait until they turn 7.5 — that’s where Hunter is and he told me to “shut your mouth” earlier. With anger. I didn’t handle it well. I’m not proud of how it all went down.
    Peyton got a note in her new pre-k class this week too. It read (and I know the teacher well, from church):
    “Julie, Peyton was in Level 3 time out today for calling a friend a ‘shit ass’. Please talk with her about how this is inappropriate”. Um, obviously.
    Help me, Lord!!


  2. You probably could have guessed this, but my kid taught the other kindergarteners the Fuck word last year. Even how to spell it. And when we discussed it after getting a call from his teacher he said “I don’t get what the big deal is…I don’t even know what it means.”


  3. OMG, fucking TRANSFORMERS. My 4 year old is obsessed with them and even the “easy” push button conversion ones are totally hard to do and pieces fall off and it makes me craaaaazy… Ugh.


  4. I had to learn how to “draw” boy stuff… instead of houses and suns and apple trees and cute puppies, I now can draw any variety of horrifying monsters, swords, ninja stars, and pretty much all flying aircrafts – both intact and burning with smoke everywhere!
    BTW, just wait until they love Bionicles…


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