If I’m going to eat carbs and butter I would like the chance to eat the WHOLE piece of bread thank you.

I am thinking of coming back….soon.  I’m missing you all.  Look out for me to return.

Do I just throw them all away?  Donate them?  Thats a lot of money sitting there.

To avoid embarrassing anyone I will change the names in this story to Bob and Sue.

Since I’ve had surgery I can’t drive for two weeks. This means people have been taking the boys to school for me.  Yesterday time was running out and the person who usually takes them couldn’t.  So Sue was going to take them.  Only Sue was running late because she was having bathroom issues.  Bob was watching the boys in the car and finally Sue came out and away they went.  This is the conversation that follows:

Brandon: Sue, can I have some of your Hersheys Squirts?

Sue: I don’t have any candy Brandon

Brandon: No, Bob said you have Hersheys Squirts.

So, Sue calls Bob and Bob starts laughing and explains that he didn’t want to tell the boys that Sue couldn’t get off the toilet so instead of saying Sue had the runs he said she had Hersheys Squirts.  Brandon was hell bent on getting some of that candy.  Finally they arrive at school and Sue has to take Brandon to the front office to get a tardy slip.  The secretary asks the boys in front of Brandon why they were late and they explained it was because of the bus.  Then she asked Brandon and he proudly said,

"BECAUSE SUE HAD THE HERSHEYS SQUIRTS."

Sue was mortified.  She tried to explain that she had bathroom troubles.  Luckily the secretary didn’t write that on the tardy slip.  It just says "Sues fault."

Sue called me after that and told me she was never taking Brandon to school again.  But I do know that I will never look at a Hersheys Kiss the same way again.

I have had a lot of surgeries.  Six to be exact.  Three laperoscopys for endometriosis, one gallbladder removal, and two C-sections.  I’ve pretty much breezed through all of them.  When it came time to have my C-section with Codi I got a little nervous.  I had a kid now.  Brandon could lose his mom and even if I died I would still be losing my son.  I had a little relief knowing I wasn’t going under but still, there is that one blog, where is wife died only hours after having a C-section so obviously I was afraid.

So now that I am having a major surgery (hysterectomy) in 5 days I’m a little terrified.  Now I have two kids.  Suddenly it’s hitting me so hard.  If something happened to me I’m leaving my boys behind.  They have four people in their lives.  Mom, dad and my parents.  I’d be taking a quarter of their lives away.  I would be leaving my husband to pack every lunch, handle every bath, every middle of the night wake up call.  I’d be leaving him to deal with ever horrible cry of Codi’s when I’m not there to put him to bed.  He would have no one to load the dishwasher wrong, or leave trash in his car or clothes on the couch.  I know he would miss all of those things.  

My mom would lose her only child.  She would have no one to mess up purchases at work anymore and I know that would make her sad.  But mostly I know the look that never left my grandmas eyes after my birth father died would be stuck in my moms for ever.  My kids would see it, it would effect them.  And not to be conceited but it would really effect the lives around me harshly if something happened to me.

After the shit with my grandpa and his wife (not my grandma) handling his advanced directive I decided I needed to pull the one I got from Rob’s surgery eight months ago out and fill it out.  In it there is a little spot that talks about your wishes. 

There are lots of options i chose two.

1. If I have an incurable or terminal condition or illness and no reasonable hope of long-term recovery or survival, i desire that life-sustaining or prolonged treatments not be used.

2. I do not desire treatment to be provided and/or continued if the burdens of the treatment outweigh expected benefits.  My attorney-in-fact is to consider the relief of the suffering, the preservation or restoration of functioning, and the quality as well as the extent of the possible extension of my life.

What it comes down to is, I don’t want to be a vegetable and I don’t want to be on a ventilator forever.

BUT.

Below that is a space for additional wishes.  I remember from Rob filling his out that they told him he could add more if he needed and write, "see attached." DUH of course I would need a see attached.  I had to again address the things that happened with my grandpa. So I grabbed a notebook and started writing. 

A few inclusions:

If there is a chance I could wake up and live a normal life give me three weeks to do so.  If it is determined I will not regain consciousness and if I did I would no longer lead a desirable life I want my family to wait FIVE full days from the doctors advice to make the decision with my life.

During either of the above times I want baths and I want my teeth brushed.

If the decision to terminate my life is made I want my whole family given notice.  I want a full twenty four hours to pass so that any and all family can make it to say good bye.  If someone important (IE Ginger is stuck in Hawthorne) can’t make it in that time and they want my family to wait THEN WAIT.  Everyone deserves a goodbye.

As much as it would bug some of my family I would want someone to talk to my boys about God, heaven and angels.  No matter what my belief on God has been I’ve always believed in angels and I’ve always believed my grandma was one.  Brandon knows about God, he knows about heaven and if it would make it a little easier for Brandon to cope then I would hope someone (Lisa & Katie) to remind him of where I am.

I want every decision discussed as a family.  Ultimately Rob has the final say but he would never make it a power trip like my grandma did, I know he would listen to everyone.  My family and friends all know me and I know each of them would know what I would truly want.  Ginger and I have discussed this a lot so if she tells you that I said something (like my uncle heard my grandpa say he wanted to live) believe her.  

I want to be buried.  Do not cremate me. I’m sorry but saying your final I love you by burning me to death is not my ideal way of going.  I want an outside funeral.  If you have my funeral in that fucking place my grandma and birth fathers was you can expect the haunting of your life.

Things to consider about reviving me or not:

I like to talk.  A LOT.  If I won’t recover enough to spend two hours bullshitting on the phone with my friends let me go.

If I don’t recover well enough to watch and understand episodes of Top Chef or anything Twilight related that would mean my brain isn’t functioning well, let me go. 

Donate my organs to science, doctors would have a field day with my brain.

If I am still medicated when I went into a coma please keep me medicated.  I think it would help my brain out a little if it didn’t start going bonkers while I was fighting a coma.  I wouldn’t even mind a valium here or there because if my brain is functioning I would need that to help keep me from going crazy listening to all my family go on and on and on while in my room.

Play me music.  Lots of music.  Eminem, Neil Diamond, Miley, Lynryd Skynyrd, etc.  Basically anything on my iPod besides Avril Lavigne because I’m still mad at her for being a cheating little slut.  Play me movies.  The last song, Eclipse, Pretty Woman.  If I can still hear I want to be entertained.

Don’t give in easily.  Try anything to wake me up.  Put some amaretto in my mouth (I swear grandpa responded to the whiskey, keep Salt City grapefruit vanilla candles burning (also those new ones in my kitchen drawer they are delish), keep me covered in Country Apple lotion, and maybe rub some chocolate on my lips.  I have a feeling there are a few things Rob would know to try too…hint:neck.

I want everyone to get along.  I would like it if no one had to be escorted off the property and I want everyone or at least as many people possible to be present when they read the 10 pages of handwritten things I had to say.

I don’t eat fish or meat.  Do not suggest to the doctors that maybe putting fish or chicken in my liquid diet would help.  It won’t it will piss me off.

My letter goes on to discuss what happens if I don’t make it.  My kids STAY in Reno.  If they move the whole family moves.  Moving them from may parents, and losing me would take 3/4 of their life away and that would be stupid.  Play my just in case song at my funeral, plus a few more. Don’t yell at my kids.  I went through a lot with all of my medications to stop yelling at them, thing of my face every time anyone would want to yell at them. Teach my boys to open doors for girls.  Introduce them to all foods.  Take girls on dates to movies.  McDonalds is not a date place.  When they are old enough if they want a tattoo they can have one. I was fifteen when I had my first one, who am I to tell them they can’t have one.  THEY CANNOT pierce their ears, it’s dorky and I’m sorry Rob but it ain’t happening.  No stupid straight leg emo pants either.

This is the point the letter changes.  I discuss everything.  I talk about my head, my crazy, my heart all of it.  Like I said I want everyone to read this.  Make copies, read it allowed, the whole world can read it, it can be retyped here, I want everyone to know what it was like to be me.

I never imagined a little "see attached" blank space could invoke such emotion but it did.  It’s terrified me.  It’s made me hug my boys more, let Brandon listen to Free Falling every single time he is in my car even if it means turning off a Miley song, kiss my husband a little longer and tell Codi how much I love him.

I have gone back and forth with what I should do with my letter.  Where do I put it so I know it is read?  Where do I put it so people know it was written by me, and where do I put it so it never gets "lost" or misplaced?  Then I realized I have a pretty open forum here.  I’m the only one with the password, so clearly anything written here was written by me.  Clearly there is a ton more in the letter but I think I covered the specifics in this post.

I have to ask, am I the only one this detailed or do any of you have special requests for your life?

PS, should anything happen to me, please bury me with my iPhone.

So.  I’m in California with my husband for a wedding. Sunday morning I wake up a little cranky and decide I’m going to hunt down the continental breakfast because nothing says happy vacation like shoving contraband pastries in your purse and running away.  I arrive in the amazing lobby.  The entire lobby faces the ocean and no matter what you get a great view.  I look to my right and spy some pastries.  Only…there isn’t very many and I’m the only one there.  I figure I’m early so I wander around and notice she isn’t putting out anything else.  Then I realize it isn’t continental breakfast it’s a little cafe and you have to pay for breakfast.  Obviously I wouldn’t be cramming any bacon in my purse for Rob’s lunch on the drive home.  I stomp off to the car get my computer and decide I will fiddle fuck around online staring at the ocean.  I get set up and order a cup of coffee from the lady behind the counter.  I have absolutely no idea what transpired but the next thing I know Andrea the coffee lady and I are off and running and having a full on conversation.  Somehow I mention books and I tell her I had been reading Chelsea Handler.

Let me side track for a moment (because I can’t stay on course with only one thought at a time).  I’ve started reading biographies.  Why?  I’ve read a lot of books.  A LOT.  I’ve been reading adult level books since I was in 8th grade.  Books are my life. I’ve read thrillers, romances, comedies, drama’s and everything in between.  The problem is, after you have read as many books as me they become predictable.  Every one of them.  That gets boring.  It’s pointless to spend $15.00-$25.00 on a book that you can predict the ending of four pages in.  So I stopped reading.  Then I stumbled upon Jennifer Lancaster.  She was hilarious.  I believe she has out four books and they are all great.  She talks about becoming unemployed, makes fun of herself, discusses having to put deodorant on the small of her back due to back fat sweat.  I could relate to this chick.  So I read every one of her books.  Then a friend recommended Chelsea Handler.  This chick I could really relate to.  An entire book about one night stands, embarrassing moments, making fun of people, and playing hideous pranks on her co workers.  I plowed through her books in no time.  Suddenly I realized the reason I was enjoying these books is that I had no way to predict the ending.  And even if I knew what was currently going on with Jen Lancaster so I technically knew the ending of her last book I had no fucking way of predicting the middles.  Maybe that was part of the draw of reading blogs.  That I had no idea what I would wake up and read today.

Back to the story at hand.  Andrea tells me that one of her favorite biographies was Dennis Rodmans.

 

I was a little shocked.  But she sold me on the book.  So I logged on to Barnes and Noble to discover HE HAS A NEW BOOK OUT.

 

We were equally thrilled.  She made a note to buy it that night and I added it to my shopping cart.  From there she told me that she had LOVED the LL Cool J biography.  It had some pretty serious stuff in it.  It discussed why he always wears a hat (you soooo have to read it to find out).  Click click added to my cart.

But then she lost me.  The next thing Andrea said had me seriously question her judgement.  I imagine you will do the same in about 4 sentences.  Andrea told me that she had SERIOUSLY enjoyed the Tori Spelling books.  I busted out laughing.

I CALL BULLSHIT!

But Andrea stood her ground and told me to look it up.  So I pulled up her first book.

The cover alone made me giggle.  Barnes and Noble allows you to preview the book.  A few sentences in and I was already laughing at her ass. 

FINE.

Andrea told me that I couldn’t just order the book I needed to read it now.  I had a six hour drive ahead of me so I figured, why not?  She gave me directions to the local Borders, refilled my coffee and told me to Google her second book.

I read a little more and agreed to purchase that book too.  Andrea told me that Tori had another book called Mommywood but since she wasn’t a mom she hadn’t read it.  I decided to hold out on that book. 

Somehow while Googling I stumbled upon this:

You bet your ass I preordered that bitch and Andrea quickly  made note to rush home and do the same.  Of course I was going to order my boyfriends book.  Andrea spent the rest of the morning analyzing John Mayers new music video, crying over Taylor Swifts new music video and discussing weather or not Miley butchered her version of "Every rose has it’s thorns," (she did not).  I left excited and happy after my two hour morning with this lady. 

Rob and I went to Borders I bought my two books and 5 hours later I had finished sTori Telling.  It was awesome.  The first book is a little serious but Uncharted TerriTori is hilarious.  HILARIOUS.  I highly recommend these books. 

Don’t laugh.

Seriously STOP.

Donna Martin as it turns out is funny, a great writer and bat shit crazier then me.  She has my fears, has to eat things in twos, makes sure there is equality for all of her stuffed animals, and believes in voodoo and other cosmic things.

Tori and I could be best friends.  I immediately followed her on Twitter (and her son), if I could afford it I would join her fan club and I swear if I ever saw her I would run up and engage in a much needed mutual "I totally understand your crazies and I feel the same" hug.

I ran to Borders today and saw a buy one get one 50% off rack.  The Kathy Griffin book was on the shelf.  I figured, meh why not.

Then I had to find a second book to get my 50% off.  Guess what I saw when I rounded the corner!!!!!

I snapped that bitch up so fast and practically ran to the counter so I could buy it and rush home to read it. 

 

With that I will leave you so I can hurry up and read.  My other books haven’t made it here in the mail which gives me time to finish Tori’s last book.

So there you have it.  My summer reading recommendation is rushing out to buy all three of Donna Martin’s books.  Then come back and thank me after you changed your panties from laughing so hard.

 

 

*I have provided links to each persons book section.