So. I’m in California with my husband for a wedding. Sunday morning I wake up a little cranky and decide I’m going to hunt down the continental breakfast because nothing says happy vacation like shoving contraband pastries in your purse and running away. I arrive in the amazing lobby. The entire lobby faces the ocean and no matter what you get a great view. I look to my right and spy some pastries. Only…there isn’t very many and I’m the only one there. I figure I’m early so I wander around and notice she isn’t putting out anything else. Then I realize it isn’t continental breakfast it’s a little cafe and you have to pay for breakfast. Obviously I wouldn’t be cramming any bacon in my purse for Rob’s lunch on the drive home. I stomp off to the car get my computer and decide I will fiddle fuck around online staring at the ocean. I get set up and order a cup of coffee from the lady behind the counter. I have absolutely no idea what transpired but the next thing I know Andrea the coffee lady and I are off and running and having a full on conversation. Somehow I mention books and I tell her I had been reading Chelsea Handler.
Let me side track for a moment (because I can’t stay on course with only one thought at a time). I’ve started reading biographies. Why? I’ve read a lot of books. A LOT. I’ve been reading adult level books since I was in 8th grade. Books are my life. I’ve read thrillers, romances, comedies, drama’s and everything in between. The problem is, after you have read as many books as me they become predictable. Every one of them. That gets boring. It’s pointless to spend $15.00-$25.00 on a book that you can predict the ending of four pages in. So I stopped reading. Then I stumbled upon Jennifer Lancaster. She was hilarious. I believe she has out four books and they are all great. She talks about becoming unemployed, makes fun of herself, discusses having to put deodorant on the small of her back due to back fat sweat. I could relate to this chick. So I read every one of her books. Then a friend recommended Chelsea Handler. This chick I could really relate to. An entire book about one night stands, embarrassing moments, making fun of people, and playing hideous pranks on her co workers. I plowed through her books in no time. Suddenly I realized the reason I was enjoying these books is that I had no way to predict the ending. And even if I knew what was currently going on with Jen Lancaster so I technically knew the ending of her last book I had no fucking way of predicting the middles. Maybe that was part of the draw of reading blogs. That I had no idea what I would wake up and read today.
Back to the story at hand. Andrea tells me that one of her favorite biographies was Dennis Rodmans.
I was a little shocked. But she sold me on the book. So I logged on to Barnes and Noble to discover HE HAS A NEW BOOK OUT.
We were equally thrilled. She made a note to buy it that night and I added it to my shopping cart. From there she told me that she had LOVED the LL Cool J biography. It had some pretty serious stuff in it. It discussed why he always wears a hat (you soooo have to read it to find out). Click click added to my cart.
But then she lost me. The next thing Andrea said had me seriously question her judgement. I imagine you will do the same in about 4 sentences. Andrea told me that she had SERIOUSLY enjoyed the Tori Spelling books. I busted out laughing.
I CALL BULLSHIT!
But Andrea stood her ground and told me to look it up. So I pulled up her first book.
The cover alone made me giggle. Barnes and Noble allows you to preview the book. A few sentences in and I was already laughing at her ass.
Andrea told me that I couldn’t just order the book I needed to read it now. I had a six hour drive ahead of me so I figured, why not? She gave me directions to the local Borders, refilled my coffee and told me to Google her second book.
I read a little more and agreed to purchase that book too. Andrea told me that Tori had another book called Mommywood but since she wasn’t a mom she hadn’t read it. I decided to hold out on that book.
Somehow while Googling I stumbled upon this:
You bet your ass I preordered that bitch and Andrea quickly made note to rush home and do the same. Of course I was going to order my boyfriends book. Andrea spent the rest of the morning analyzing John Mayers new music video, crying over Taylor Swifts new music video and discussing weather or not Miley butchered her version of "Every rose has it’s thorns," (she did not). I left excited and happy after my two hour morning with this lady.
Rob and I went to Borders I bought my two books and 5 hours later I had finished sTori Telling. It was awesome. The first book is a little serious but Uncharted TerriTori is hilarious. HILARIOUS. I highly recommend these books.
Donna Martin as it turns out is funny, a great writer and bat shit crazier then me. She has my fears, has to eat things in twos, makes sure there is equality for all of her stuffed animals, and believes in voodoo and other cosmic things.
Tori and I could be best friends. I immediately followed her on Twitter (and her son), if I could afford it I would join her fan club and I swear if I ever saw her I would run up and engage in a much needed mutual "I totally understand your crazies and I feel the same" hug.
I ran to Borders today and saw a buy one get one 50% off rack. The Kathy Griffin book was on the shelf. I figured, meh why not.
Then I had to find a second book to get my 50% off. Guess what I saw when I rounded the corner!!!!!
I snapped that bitch up so fast and practically ran to the counter so I could buy it and rush home to read it.
With that I will leave you so I can hurry up and read. My other books haven’t made it here in the mail which gives me time to finish Tori’s last book.
So there you have it. My summer reading recommendation is rushing out to buy all three of Donna Martin’s books. Then come back and thank me after you changed your panties from laughing so hard.
*I have provided links to each persons book section.